


Hanging on the words you say

by bellofthetolppl



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Best friend's brother, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Epistolary, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, The Delinquents, doctor!clarke, soldier!bellamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-09-28 12:46:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 56,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10101407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellofthetolppl/pseuds/bellofthetolppl
Summary: Bellamy Blake is on his second tour when he emails the only person he can't stand aka the obnoxious Clarke Griffin just because he doesn't have a choice and has managed to push away everyone else from his life. What was a one-time thing turns to be a constant flow of emails.





	1. Sandstorms

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey, guys! You know I am a sucker for soldier!bellamy/doctor!clarke and yes I know I already have one fic on the subject but I can't seem to be able to stop myself. This time things happen while he's still on tour. This fanfic will mostly be with them exchanging emails but there will be the occasional phone calls or chats here and there too. I have no idea if I'll keep writing about this so I would be glad if you tell me whether or not I should continue this.

_**From: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_**To: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_Hello Princess,_

_I know that I said you’re the last person I would ever turn to for help even if the apocalypse came, but don’t feel too smug about this email. The truth is-the apocalypse kind of did come, at least over here, in the form of the worst sand storm this place has seen in over ten years which resulted in us being cut off from the world for the past three days. All the computers had to be fixed and re-installed and it turned out the only email address left was yours._

_So yes...I am turning to you. Again, don’t be too smug about it._

_I just wanted to know how everyone is doing. Is my sister alright? Is she safe? Do you two have everything you need over there in that crappy apartment you currently reside in? Tell me if I need to send over money, I know my sister will refuse them, but you are smarter than that and I know rent is a pain in the ass._

_How is Jasper doing? Is he still being that smooth around your co-worker Maya? What about Raven? Her leg alright? Please tell Monty that Miller will try to call as soon as our phones get fixed. Might take a couple more days, but we’re alright._

_Either way, I have to go there’s a line of angry soldiers waiting behind me. I would appreciate you answering this as much as you hate my obnoxious persona._

_-Blake_

_P.S I don’t know if you’ve seen Murphy lately or if you two have any shifts together at the hospital but tell him I need him to give me a call._

_**From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_**To: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_Hello Bellamy,_

_You’re right-your email did come out of the blue. I thought indeed I am the last person you would message, but I am sorry you guys have been going through hell over there. I hope things are better now. But still...I have every right to be smug about this so let me glow. What an irony that you had to write to the person you can’t stand being around, huh?_

_Octavia is doing fine. I know that you guys haven’t talked ever since she found out you’ve reenlisted and I know you think she hates you, but she misses you too. I often catch her drifting off while we’re out with everyone else or during movie nights and I know she’s thinking about you. Give her time. You were after all a complete asshole the last time you talked...you weren’t right you know? But I am sure I don’t need to tell you that. We’re okay on the money, we’re both working our asses off, but she’s fine. She’s doing great at college and as much as you dislike Lincoln, he’s the one who keeps her afloat. The guy is good for her, maybe one day you can realize that for yourself._

_Jasper actually invited Maya on a date this week so I am fingers crossed to see how this goes. She’s more exited than when we scrubbed in on our first brain surgery together. I have a good feeling about them. I was actually with Raven last night-we had a girl’s night at our place. She’s doing fine, I am trying to convince her to start physical therapy but she’s just too stubborn. Now is my time to ask for a favor-I know you only talk to her and Murphy from everyone that are here-maybe you can convince her to do this. It would help her a lot. And it will prove to me that you’re not the asshole that you are so hard trying to be all the time._

_Monty was really worried util I told him that you emailed and explained what’s going on, so thank you for doing that. I hear he and Miller are going to talk tonight._

_I saw Murphy this morning and told him you’re asking for him to call. He seemed worried. I am sure there’s a reason for that that you won’t share with me. Whatever it is, I hope you’re not doing anything stupid, Blake._

_Stay safe,_

_-Griffin_

_**From: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_**To: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_Hello Princess,_

_Well, well I never thought you were one to care about me, but after the last email I am starting to think I had the wrong impression. Who knew the cold princess actually had a heart?_

_Thank you for all the update on my sister. I..am wondering if it’s too much to ask if I continue sending you emails and you keep updating me about her? If that’s not too much trouble for you. I know I have to give her time. I haven’t tried calling her in over two weeks. The last time I did, Lincoln picked up, said that she doesn’t want to hear from me right now, so I gave it up. I don’t suppose she would ever understand and maybe that’s the way it will always be. I know we talked about this before I left (which to this day is probably the only serious, non-fighting conversation we’ve had, princess), but please, keep an eye on her._

_I assume Jasper’s date with Maya went well? There could be no other way. Our boy might be a goof, but I’ve never seen him that smitten before. He deserves this, especially after everything he’s been through. I am supposed to talk to Raven tomorrow, so don’t worry about that, I’ll take care of it. Is there really a chance for you guys to ease her pain? The secret with Raven is this-she needs to be reminded that she doesn’t have to be so strong all the time. That’s just the heads up for you, princess. But consider it handled._

_I know Monty had it hard, but Miller did too. You should see Miller pouting. He’s adorable._

_Don’t worry about Murphy and I. I am not doing anything stupid._

_Are you doing alright? How are stuff at the hospital?_

_-Blake_

_**From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_**To: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_Hey Bellamy,_

_You’re being a total ass you know that right? Just because we are not each other’s favorite person, doesn’t mean that I am the cold-heart privileged bitch you’re making me out to be. Quite honestly that was a low blow even for you, Blake._

_I will keep updating you on Octavia. But I am doing this more for her than for you, I hope you realize that. She hasn’t mentioned that you called though, but the other day Raven was talking about you over the phone with Murphy and she was trying to eavesdrop. She worries about you. No matter how much you’ve screwed up, you’re family. I am sure eventually things will be alright between the two of you and then you can stop emailing me which I am sure would be a relief for you._

_Jasper and Maya are officially a thing as of last week. Our boy has grown so much! I am very happy for the both of them. They deserve it. Maya has had it hard too in the past you know? She deserves a nice guy like Jasper. We had a movie night last Friday and I wish you would’ve seen them! Monty wouldn’t stop teasing them all evening._

_Thank you for talking to Raven. I know that...you probably got the worst of it. She mentioned you guys got in a fight and she yelled at you. When I asked her if you’ve talked this week, she said she’s pissed at you and needs time to cool off. I don’t know what you’re doing, Blake, but if you’re trying to push every person who’s willing to be your friend out of your life...you are succeeding. Either way she came to the hospital this morning and that’s part of the reason I am responding to you so fast. I wanted to thank you. Whatever you did...worked on her. She promised to come once a week._

_Snap me a picture of Miller pouting! I need to see that plus you owe me._

_I am doing alright. I am quite honestly surprised you’re asking about me, I thought you didn’t care and you certainly haven’t mentioned it so far. I have lots of work at the hospital, long shifts, no sleep, the usual. These days coffee is my best friend._

_Hope you guys are doing alright over there. I know I’ve never said it before, but I do appreciate what you are doing as much as your sister can’t understand it now._

_Stay safe,_

_-Griffin_

_**From: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_**To: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_Hello Clarke,_

_First off, I want to apologize for the way I acted. I am sorry for all the stuff I wrote in my email. I realize now what I dick I was. It wasn’t fair to be like that, I know you have it hard too and I appreciate you taking care of everyone over there for me._

_I know you’re doing this for Octavia and not me, but it still means a lot. Thank you for keeping an eye on her and being there for her when I can’t. As far as her caring, I guess you maybe have a point, but the truth is, I think it’s better the way things are now. She has it easier without me in her life. She surely doesn’t need me or my protection anymore. She’s grown to be a strong beautiful woman and I can only be proud of her. I guess my only regret would be not realizing this sooner._

_I am happy about Jasper and Maya. Sorry to hear that she had it hard before too. Maybe they can both heal now._

_I had to push Raven in order to get her to you. I might’ve pressed a bit too hard but I let her yell at me and let it all out. She needed it. She’s in a lot more pain than she’s letting out and I don’t mind being the one to tell her the truth about what she has to do. I also don’t mind her yelling at me. You’re welcome, Griffin. You can thank me by helping her. That’s all I ask._

_I’m sorry I didn’t ask about you before. It was insensitive. You work too hard. Coffee might be your best friend, but don’t forget to eat. I know how you and my sister are when you’re overtiring yourself-you forget that actual food exists. Take care of yourself, Griffin._

_-Blake_

Clarke stared at the screen for full five minutes before her eyes scanned the email once more. Something was wrong. Bellamy sounded...off. His email was way too brief and inconsistent in comparison to his previous ones. And he sounded...sorry? Sad even. 

And it’s not like she thought he’s an insensitive ass-she knew how much he loved his sister. He had a good heart-he would help Raven when she was too stubborn to use her crutches or make sure Murphy doesn’t drink too much when he’s too sad for his own good, but he’s never been nice to her. 

Well with the exception of their last meeting when he came by her flat and asked her to keep an eye on Octavia for him. This was the first time she had seen him...be nice and well, vulnerable. It had surprised her as much as this email did.

She knew that she shouldn’t worry. She had no right to worry-they were never best friends. They bickered constantly and were hardly on the same page about anything at all. The only thing they silently agreed upon was taking care of their group of delinquents. It was something they never talked about yet it came that naturally for them to be the responsible ones. To keep it all together. 

The truth is, that without Bellamy here, it was all a bit too hard for Clarke. Monty often pined over Miller and some evenings wouldn’t even talk. Jasper was freaking out over Maya and asking her for advice every time they went on a date, afraid that he’ll screw it up. Raven was ...well Raven, she was in pain half the time and she was overworking herself in the other, refusing to let anyone give her a hand and Murphy was trying to actually help her out, but his despair and his constant drinking prevented him from being useful when she most needed him too. 

But now...now something seemed off. The way he talked about Octavia, about her being better off without him, that wasn’t right. And Raven? He let her hate him for the sake of her getting help. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised. How much did she actually know him?

She closed her lap top and settled down on the couch, browsing through the channels and deciding on a rerun of How I met your mother, trying to take her mind off stuff. She couldn’t though-that’s the thing, somehow the way he wrote this rubbed her the wrong way. 

It wasn’t like Bellamy Blake to be apologetic. At least not to the extent he was in that email, but it wasn’t only that. He sounded lonely and even though she knew he didn’t need her empathy and that yeah, maybe he didn’t even deserve it, she felt like she has to do something.

So the next day when Raven came by with Monty for movie night, she excused herself while everyone were engrossed in their usual fight about which Harry Potter movie was the best, snatched Raven’s phone from her jacket pocket and found the number she used to call Bellamy under the name Sergeant Asshole.

She didn’t waste any time and rang right after they were all gone and Octavia was out for her night run with Lincoln. (who does a night run anyway? But she can’t say she isn’t grateful right now).

It takes a while for her to finally get a response, but she recognizes the voice immediately.

“Hello?“

“Miller!” she exclaims, she never realized how much she’s missed Miller.

“Clarke? Is that you?” he seems as surprised as she is ”How the hell did you get this number?” he doesn’t wait for her to respond though, fear settling in him as he realizes how late it must be there ”Is everyone alright? Is it something with Monty?”

“No, no, everything’s fine” she hurries to assure him as she leans on the kitchen counter ”I am actually calling because...I wanted to talk to Bellamy. Isn’t this his number?”

“It is, but we both share it. I use it a lot to call Monty.” he explains ”I wouldn’t have even heard it if I haven’t come by our tent. Is it something with Octavia? She alright?”

“She’s fine. I am calling because of ...him.” she admits, she knows that Miller can keep his mouth shut so she knows she can tell him this ”We’ve been exchanging emails since that sandstorm fucked up your connection and he’s been asking me to keep him updated on stuff here.”

“Okay?” he still couldn’t get where she was going with this, especially since she promised there was nothing wrong going on there.

“He sounded strange in his last email. Is everything alright with you guys over there?”

“We’re fine” -he assures her, but it seems like he knows something else, because his voice changes ”We’ve been on a few missions this week, he might’ve just been tired. I can go get him for you if you want? He’s out there working on our rover.”

“I would really appreciate that” she wants to get to the bottom of this ”And hey, Miller!”

“Yeah?” 

“Could you...keep this between us? I haven’t told anyone else about it and you know how hard things are between him and Octavia right now, I don’t want to...make it worse.” both her and Miller realized perfectly that this had nothing to do with Bellamy’s little sister, but Miller just chuckled and promised he’ll keep his mouth shut.

She could hear him moving out, men voices yelling everywhere around him, some greeting him, some just passing by and by the time Miller got to Bellamy, she was trying to picture exactly what it looked like being there.

“Bellamy!” she heard him calling his friend “Get your ass out of there, Clarke is on the phone!”

“Who?” he sounded surprised and then Clarke lost track of what they are saying since Miller was probably covering the phone with his hand on purpose. Well either him or Bellamy. “Hello?” she finally heard his voice and God did he sound tired.

“Bellamy” she sighed, realizing how much she actually missed his obnoxious voice.

“Princess. To what do I owe the pleasure? Is my sister alright?”

“Jesus, do you and Miller ever do anything but panic?” she exclaimed and hears him chuckle ”Everything’s fine. I wanted to talk to you.”

"Oh yeah? What for?” she hears him move, probably jump off the rover and she imagines him walk away from the rest of the crowd, because it’s suddenly a lot less noisy around him.

"Your last email” she cut to the chase and he fell strangely silent on the other side ”Look, I am not going to pretend like we’re best friends, but as I told you I care about you and I can tell when something’s wrong. So...do you mind telling me what it is?”

She was surprised by the silence on the other end. Bellamy was not one to lack words.

"You care that much that you actually called all the way from there, Griffin?” she would’ve thought he was trying to be snarky again if it wasn’t for the sadness in she sensed in his voice. He seemed surprised that she would do that and that made her heart clench. 

"Of course I care. You’re my best friend’s brother and you may be an asshole half the time but there is some decency left in you still. I have to make sure you preserve it.” she jokes but he remains silent on the other end and for the first time since she’s known him, she wishes she could actually see his face ”Seriously, what’s going on?”

"Everything’s alright, Griffin. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Come on, Blake, indulge me.” she keeps pressing and hears him sigh.

“We were on a recon mission last week” he begins and she slowly moves her body up so she could sit on the counter and listen carefully to him.

"Okay” she says when he doesn’t continue right away

“We usually go to this village and give away food and clothes for the kids every other week when we’re on our way back from recons” he keeps on, his voice hoarse and tired ”We even had a football for them this time. Miller and I managed to figure out how to order one from Amazon. I had no idea it could take that long to reach this part of the world but it finally did” she knew hew as prolonging the moment with that explanation but she let him ”Anyway...we were giving away the packages and talking to some of the locals when the first blast happened.”

“A bomb?” she asked worriedly

“Yeah. One of the houses just behind us. I guess they’ve been keeping an eye on us.”

"Are you alright? Are you hurt?” she realized she sounds a bit too worried but strangely she didn’t regret it.

“I’m fine, we all were. But...three kids and two women died. Miller and I were the ones who tried to save the rest of them from the fires afterwards. It still didn’t felt as if we did something good.”

“I’m sorry, Bellamy” she knew the words were no comfort ”Really.”

"Thank you” his voice shook again, she was certain he was going back to it all, probably reliving it over and over again ”I would appreciate it if you didn’t...tell anyone about this, though. Especially not my sister.”

"I won’t. But you were wrong you know” she continued because she knew he needed to hear this ”Octavia is not better without you in her life. She needs her brother.” he remained silent on the other end, obviously disagreeing with her ”Just because you don’t talk right now, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or worry about you. Bellamy, you are her brother.”

"Somehow I don’t think that’s enough anymore” and he sounds like he has given up all hope which scares her a bit, because if he’s out there like this then he could easily not care enough to save his own life when danger occurs. She has heard Miller explain how fast he puts himself before everyone else in battle and she remembers Bellamy brushing it away like it’s nothing, which was something that show-off Bellamy Blake rarely did. 

Someone shouts his name out so loud that she’s able to hear it herself.

“Hey, I have to go, Griffin. Some of us still have jobs to do” he tries to be smug and she can imagine him smirking but she knows better now-it’s a facade.

"Bellamy” she says seriously ”Keep writing, okay?”

"Be careful, princess” he jokes once more ”You don’t want all our friends to think that you actually care.” she wants to tell him that she does. She does care, but for some reason she doesn’t let the words out loud and a few seconds later he hangs up, probably because he never expected an answer at all. Probably because...he was too used to being on his own.

_**From: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_**To: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_Hello Princess,_

_I want to start by thanking you for calling. I am not saying this in a mean way, but I really never expected you to do that. I guess that is mostly my fault. Either way, thank you for doing that. It was nice, to know someone out there thinks about you._

_I am sorry if my email scared you or made you worry, that wasn’t my intention. It was a bad day, but I am alright and I assure you there’s no reason for you to think too hard about this. I can take care of myself._

_How are you doing? Raven told me she hasn’t seen you this week. And yes, she finally called yesterday, even if she was still a bit mad. She did mention that she’s started the physical therapy. Still claims is a bunch of crap but I can guess by the sound of her voice that she actually has some hope about this for which I thank you. She mentioned you’re overworking yourself and that you look way too skinny for your own good._

_Now you know that you can’t keep doing that, right? Do I need to tell you all this really? You’re the doctor here, you should know how to keep yourself healthy. Seriously, though, I know you love your work, but don’t forget to have some fun too. I can’t let the only person I can count on over there, get sick. What would our delinquents do then?_

_Now that I am done with this lecture Murphy mentioned that you guys lost a patient yesterday, a boy who hurt himself? I am really sorry about that. Out of all the friends in our group, you are the only one who sees as much death as I do so I understand in a way how hard it is to want to help someone but not be able to. I also understand how difficult it is to watch someone die. But heads up, princess, you’re out there saving lives and knowing the way you work, I am sure your patients are lucky to have you._

_I have to go now. Don’t expect me to answer soon, we’re being send on a recon mission for a few days so it might take me a while to get back at you._

_Chin up and EAT!_

_-Blake._

_**From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_**To: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_Hey Bellamy,_

_I am sorry I am responding so late, it’s been a crazy couple of days at the hospital and I assume that you’re already away on your recon mission, but still...maybe you will see this when you come back from it._

_No need to thank me for calling, it wasn’t anything that big of a deal. But you know, I am not the only one who thinks about you out here-Murphy and Raven are always talking about you whenever they are in the same room, exchanging information about you and asking each other what you’re up to if they haven’t heard from you in a while. Your sister is one of those people too you know? Never forget that._

_Your email didn’t scare me. It’s just that you didn’t sound like yourself. Though lately I realize, I am not sure I do know you very well. I don’t think all of our miscommunication and bickering is your fault. I think some of it is mine too and now that you mentioned it, I tried to go back and figure out when and why we started fighting in the first place but I couldn’t?_

_Maybe we should try starting from scratch again? I don’t know about you, but I am tired of fighting you all the time. If anything, those emails we’ve been exchanging prove that we can be better than that. I am not asking to be your best friend, but maybe we can try to get along for the sake of our delinquents, what do you say?_

_I am glad you talked to Raven again. Sorry to hear that she was still pissed at you. Truth be told, she came by for another session yesterday and left quite discouraged, I think it was just a bad day. She was in a lot of pain and refused painkillers. The reason she talked that much about me is probably because she was trying to distract you from asking about her._

_I am all good by the way, no need to worry about me. It’s just been a crazy couple of weeks. And no, you don’t have to give me lectures about it, I already have Murphy over here. He’s taken it upon himself to bring me something to eat every time our shift starts and he always takes me to the cafeteria when we’re on a break. He’s driving me nuts! And somehow he’s made sure that we have shifts together for the next three weeks. I think he’s fucking with our boss Emori and apparently that comes with benefits._

_Thank you for saying this about our patient. It was really hard to see this boy go. The fucked up thing was that I wish someone had noticed he wanted to do this to himself. That’s what really got to me you know? But you’re right, out of all the people here, we’re those who see the most death. I am not the only one who saves people’s lives you know? You’re doing that too. While being shot at usually. So yours is a lot harder than mine and I appreciate it._

_Murphy just passed by the coffee room and said you were supposed to call yesterday but you didn’t probably because your mission took longer than expected? He doesn’t seem worried though, said it often happens. Either way, I am hope you’re save._

_-Clarke_

_**From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_**To: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_Hey,_

_I know that sending you this probably won’t change anything and I am not sure why I’m even typing it right now. I am just worried I guess. Murphy’s officially going a bit crazy over here. Said it’s six days since he last heard from you. You were supposed to be back three days ago. He said he’ll try getting in touch with your CO tonight to get more information. We haven’t told Raven. Or your sister. Raven thinks your mission is supposed to take this long. We’re wondering what to do and whether or not to let them in on it. I know you don’t want Octavia to worry, but I think she deserves to know._

_Please when you can, call Murphy._

_Be safe._

_-Clarke_

“Clarke!” she almost jumps from her chair when Murphy enters the room. Losing track of time and being tired like that often led to her napping in the locker room. She was exhausted and she couldn’t wait for this shift to be over so she could go home ”Jesus, you know there are beds in this goddamn place, right?”

“I wasn’t sleeping, Murphy” she lies and he cocks his eyebrows as he shakes his head ”What is it?”

“Get your ass up, Bellamy is going to skype with us in five minutes.”

“What? He’s back!” she literally jumps off the chair this time and he smiles. It’s been two days since she send him her last email and eight days since Murphy last heard from him. To say they were going out of their minds would be an understatement. 

“He’s back” he reassures her with a bright smile that she rarely sees on his face ”The mission went south, took them a lot longer to come back but they finally did.”

“He told you that?”

“Miller did. I called and finally got in touch with them. Said Bellamy was sleeping because it’s been one hell of an awful week, but he woke him up and our asshole promised to drag his ass to the computer room.” he explained enthusiastically ”Come on, we need to go now. I’ve got it all set up in one of the call rooms.“

"Are you sure he would like to...see me too?” she asks a bit worried as she follows him down the hallway, but Murphy waves his hand annoyed with her stupid question and she decides not to argue with him. She did want to see Bellamy after all.

They locked themselves up in the room, with Murphy’s PC in his lap as they settled down on the bed so that Bellamy could see both of them. Clarke never thought she would be sharing a bed with John Murphy of all people, especially not if it was to talk to Bellamy Blake.

When he finally called, ten minutes later than when he promised, they were both taken aback by the tired wrecked face that appeared on their screen. His eyes were red, dark circles surrounding them and his hunched shoulders gave the impression that he was carrying the world and all its problems on them.

"Hey, Murphy” he greeted , his voice hoarse and very sleepy until he realized that his friend wasn’t alone ”Clarke? What are you doing there?”

“For god’s sakes Bellamy, finally!” Murphy exclaimed, without giving him any explanation to as why Clarke was there too ”Why didn’t you call the minute you got back on camp? And why do you look so much like hell?”

“Nice to see you too Murphy” he responded with a smile, but he did look terrible. So much that Clarke felt Murphy tense next to her which meant he was worried. And Murphy was rarely worried ”Princess.” he greeted her too.

“Hey, Blake. Nice bruise you got there” she referred to the big cut under his right eye and he shrugged ”Adds to your bad boy bravado.”

“As always so polite, aren’t we, princess?”

“Shut up you two and tell me what happened?” Murphy cut them off, clearly not willing to let them bicker too long ”Is everything alright with you guys over there?”

“We’re fine, Murphy” he exclaimed as if his friend were asking the most boring questions ”Just a very tough mission. You know I can’t talk about it, but we’re all good” he promised, even though he sounded too much like hell. ”I read your emails just before I called you know, Clarke” he turned to her and Murphy raised his eyebrows ”I am sorry I couldn’t answer earlier. You didn’t tell my sister anything right?”

"We didn’t. But the next time this happens, we will.”

“Murphy!” Bellamy said with his voice warning. 

“I’m not kidding, Bellamy. I can’t keep that kind of stuff away from her!”

“Hey, you don’t have to worry. If something happens to me, my CO will try to get in touch with you” he explains as if talking about him being hurt or dead as if he was discussing the weather ”or her. It’s protocol. If they haven’t called you, then everything’s alright and you don’t have to freak out.”

“Oh, wow, you just made everything so much better, Blake” Murphy said sarcastically while Bellamy tried to suppress a yawn.

“You look terrible. Are you guys having other missions these days?” Clarke finally managed to interrupt Murphy and ask something.

“I honestly don’t know I think we’ll stick around base these days but-”

“Hey, Bellamy!” they hear Miller’s voice interrupt them and Murphy tenses next to her once more ”Jackson is looking for you.” Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows and cursed Miller under his breath.

“Sorry guys, I have to go” he apologized.

“It hasn’t even been five minutes!” Murphy protested.

“I know...this is not up to me really, I’m sorry. I’ll call you tomorrow, I think we’ll be here for the next few days, okay? Princess, I’ll make sure to answer your emails” he adds with a smirk before he hangs up without them being able to properly say goodbye. He seemed to be in too much of a rush as if he was trying to get rid of them.

They stare at the screen for a few minutes before Clarke realizes Murphy’s been too quiet.

"What is it?” she asks when he doesn’t speak up first.

"Jackson was looking for him” he says as if he’s trying to let something sink in. Clarke raises her eyebrow confused at him begging him to explain ”Jackson is their medic.” he adds and she sees worry settle in his eyes ”He was lying. Something’s not right.”


	2. Birthdays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: First of all, thank you all so much for reading. I started this more or less as a joke, I had the idea for a while and I didn't plan to post it at all, I didn't think people would like it, so thank you for leaving a review and asking me to continue. I think this story might be a bit sad though, that's how I write them usually, so keep that in mind. Anyway, hope you all enjoy this!

_**From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail. com** _

_**To: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_BELLAMY FUCKING IDIOT BLAKE!!!!!_

_HOW DARE YOU! HOW FUCKING COULD YOU, YOU ASSHOLE!_

_Yes, I am mad, I am so pissed off that if you were actually in front of me right now, I would kick your ass so hard, you won’t be able to say your goddamn name!_

_After you didn’t call the next day, Murphy and I figured something’s wrong and called Miller. I don’t know if he told you already but we know everything._

_Why on earth did you hide that you’re hurt? He said that you disobeyed your CO during the mission after he told you to retrieve! You got back in that burning building and kept on taking people out even though it was extremely dangerous! I can not believe you!_

_I am mad, yes, but I am also fucking disappointed in you. You should’ve told us. If not me, then Murphy. Miller said you inhaled so much smoke, they had to practically carry you to the infirmary. He spilled it all out, he was feeling so guilty to have to rat you out. He almost forgot to mention that you burn your arm too while taking that man out of the fire._

_Later Murphy and I connected all the dots, why you were trying to get rid of us so fast, why you didn’t call right away when you got home! It all made sense, you just couldn’t do it, but I still don’t get why you didn’t tell us the truth. Miller kept apologizing on your behalf, said you didn’t want to worry us or tell your sister. He mentioned that you’ve refused to stay in the infirmary but that you’ve been coughing your ass now. I hope it’s a good lesson for you._

_If you can’t trust us to tell us such stuff how can you even call us your friends? Honestly, I can’t make sense of this. I am sure somewhere in your twisted brain this is all logical, but let me tell you something-when you get hurt, you tell those you care about just like we do, even though we know you’re out there and every little thing can set you back if your mind is not in the right place._

_Anyway, I won’t keep this going. It’s obvious that if you don’t want to talk to us, you won’t even consider my words now._

_Just adding down here that we’re preparing JJ’s birthday party. Murphy’s pissed off at you as well, so if you call he probably won’t pick up, but still…I wanted to remind you that your godson is turning four tomorrow, though clearly you can’t think straight even when your brain is not clouded by the smoke you’ve inhaled._

_-A very pissed off Clarke_

_**From: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_**To: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_Hello Clarke,_

_Judging by your last email, I doubt you would have forgiven me enough to read this one, but I will still write it._

_I am sorry that I got you and Murphy so mad. I really wish you could see things from my perspective, though even if you did, I still realize that…you do have a point here._

_I am sorry. I hid all this from you because honestly, it wasn’t anything serious. I’ve been far worse, especially last year, so I didn’t want to add to all your troubles. It wasn’t fair, I know this now, you are my friends but exactly because you are, I didn’t want to do this to you._

_I know you might think I am not the most selfless person, but as I’ve told you, I can take good care of myself and when I can’t, I have a team that always has my back, so I wanted to spare you this. I know how much I can count on Miller and the guys, moreover telling you all this wouldn’t have changed anything, you’re not here and you’ll just worry too much over nothing._

_If it’s any consolation both Miller and my CO Jaha, were extremely pissed off at me. Miller cursed all the way to our base and Jaha has given me latrine duty for the next three weeks. He lost his son last year and he’s taken it upon himself to keep us all safe. I basically did the one thing he didn’t want me to. I promise you, I am all good now, my burns are not that serious and Jackson will probably clear me soon._

_I understand your frustration but if I had to do this all over again, I would’ve still gotten back in that building, I would’ve still saved all those people. I am not sure I could’ve lived with myself if I haven’t. I think you can understand this. I know how hard you guys fight to save your patients. I was doing the same thing. You’re free to curse me all you want though, I don’t mind that._

_Of course, I would never forget JJ’s birthday. I can’t believe this kid survived that long with Murphy as his father. Jokes aside, he’s doing a great job raising him on his own. I wish I was there to see it all. Did you have fun? Did he get my present? I gave it with Monty and Jasper before we left so he could have it on time._

_I know you hate me, but I would appreciate it if you tell me how it went. Murphy picked up when I called, but he refused to talk to me. Only gave me JJ and I got to listen to the kid talk. He talks so damn much! I can’t believe it. I still remember waking up at three in the morning to feed him when Murphy and I still lived together._

_Anyway, I know that we hoped to start over but considering the recent events I am not sure you would still want to talk to me. If you do, I would definitely appreciate it, though I am not sure I deserve it._

_Staying safe,_

_-Bellamy_

**Open chat window:**

**Wednesday, 11:00 PM**

**C:** Bellamy? You there? I have the day off tomorrow, so if you come by, message me.

**Thursday, 10 AM:**

**B:** Clarke, you here?

 **C:** Yes I’m here. 

**B:** Hello, princess. Thanks for reaching out.

 **C:** It’s not like you deserve it, but you’re welcome.

 **B:** Still giving me a hard time, I see. Is everything alright? 

**C:** Everything’s fine. I haven’t been able to answer your email because I am swamped with work and…honestly because I needed some time.

 **B:** I understand that. How are you doing? How is everyone else?

 **C:** I’m fine, currently occupying your favorite spot on the couch while your sister is making dinner in the kitchen. Let’s hope she doesn’t burn the whole place down.

 **B:** That’s usually your specialty, Griffin.

 **C:** Hey! That was one time! And it was just the pan, not the whole kitchen.

 **B:** You were pretty close to causing an explosion, princess…

 **C:** Anyway. We’re all good. Raven and Monty are coming by this evening. I wanted to send you some photos from JJ’s birthday party which is why I am writing you in the first place.

 **B:** I would really appreciate that. Raven said he got cake all over his face, made you guys laugh.

 **C:** He was a perfect little disaster. Just like his father. His latest obsession is playing soldiers. I assume that’s your doing. Murphy goes pale whenever he takes his toy rifle out.

 **B:** Definitely not my doing. It was Miller. He bought it for him before we left. When I see him, I’ll make sure to tell him that it’s not a great idea for him to become a soldier.

 **C:** Should’ve told yourself that two years ago if you’re asking me…How are you doing by the way?

 **B:** Almost healed up. Jackson will clear me on Monday and we’ll probably be send off somewhere right away. Thank you for caring, princess. I meant everything I said in my email.

 **C:** I know. Still pretty pissed off over here. But I am glad you’re better. Look, I have to get going, your sister is hovering around me and I am sure you don’t want her to see us talking. 

**B:** I have to get going too. Jackson would want to change my bandage. Hope we can talk more soon. Please convince Murphy to stop hating me.

 **C:** No can do. You made your bed, Blake, now you get to lay in it. Talk soon, soldier.

**Chat ended**

_**From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com** _

_**To: bellblake@gmail.com** _

_Hey Bellamy,_

_Sorry for not responding sooner, things here are kind of crazy right now and between my shifts at the hospital and trying to keep everyone together, I haven’t really had the time to sit down and write._

_First off, I know we chatted after your last email and I have taken the time to cool off but I won’t be lying when I say that I am okay with this. I am not. I can only hope that you won’t do this again._

_I want you to realize we all care about you which was the reason for our strong reaction. I know you’ve had it worse. That was after all the reason you and sister got into this big fight. You almost died last year and she had every right to not want this for you anymore._

_I can’t imagine how hard it is for you out there, but I wish you could see how awful it is for us too. Not being there, not knowing what’s happening-that can really crush you. Since communication are often messed up and the time zones are different, the news getting the wrong information and scaring everyone off-that all adds to it. When we hear that something has happened we always think the worst and what’s more-we can’t find out if you guys are safe or not fast enough. So you can see why Murphy and I were so pissed off at you._

_Anyway, enough about that. I had to talk to you about something else. Jasper’s not been doing great lately. He is in one of his dark periods these days (you know it’s the anniversary of his dad’s death) and Maya and I have been trying to help him but he still feels pretty shitty. We’re all gathering tomorrow at our place, your sister will be staying with Lincoln, so you can maybe call? Skype with us? I am sure it will mean a lot to him._

_On top of all that JJ fell pretty bad on the playground and broke his arm. Murphy went nuts, I am pretty sure he hasn’t slept since it happened and Raven hasn’t had a day off in two weeks, so…I would appreciate it if you can give me a hand._

_If you can’t and you’re being sent somewhere, I can understand it, but tell me when you’ll be available so we can figure something out. Hope you’re all better by now? Raven said you were cleared and you’re all fine._

_Have to go now, your sister just came home. She’s been doing fine by the way. Started working with Lincoln in his tattoo place. (don’t worry I’ve checked it out and no, it’s not a randevouz place for drug dealers so don’t make a big deal out of this)_

_As always, stay safe_

_-Clarke_

“Monty, pop corn!” Clarke yells as she raises the bowl reminding him to give her a hand. Movie nights were always crazy like that, she bought a bunch of stuff, ordered the pizza and they brought the beer. Clarke didn’t complain, a nice evening with her friends was doing wonders to her after the awful hospital shifts.

“Get your ass off this couch, Murphy, this is my spot!” Raven complained, making Clarke chuckle.

“Will you two stop it!” she scolded them lightly

“I would, if he moved his ass” Raven slapped Murphy’s shoulder and he grunted as he moved away unwillingly.

“Monty!!! Come on!” Clarke called him out again and as she finally turned around she saw him staring at the TV screen which she usually wouldn’t have bothered paying attention to if was he not looking like a ghost ”Monty?”

“What is it dude?” Raven asked as she notices him frozen in front of them.

“The remote” he gasps ”Give me the remote, Murphy!” he exclaims worriedly

“What’s wrong?” Murphy jumps up from the couch and stands beside him as Clarke leaves the bowl at the counter and hurries to get to them just as Monty turns the volume up.

_“We’ve been informed that our troops have been involved in a surprised attack and are currently fighting against local opposition groups-”_

“That’s Miller and Bellamy’s platoon!” Murphy states the obvious as he reads through the news feed line at the bottom of the screen.

_“Over ten casualties and more than twenty wounded are already-”_

“The phone! Where’s my phone!” Monty frantically starts moving away the stuff on the coffee table in desperate search of his discarded phone. As soon as he finds it with shaky hands, he starts dialing their number even though it’s clear he probably won’t reach them. If they’re out there on the field there’s no way they would have it with them.

“Monty, calm down!” Raven puts her hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” he yells back as he pushes her away. Clarke seems completely taken aback as she scans the screen and tries to make sense of what they were reporting before his voice snaps her back to reality.

“Hey, hey you guys, stop it! Let’s think straight, they might not even be out there. Didn’t Bellamy say-”

“Clarke” Murphy shakes his head ”I talked to him last night, he was getting ready to leave in the morning.”

“Okay, we can’t panic. We will figure this out” Raven tries again but Monty is already throwing his jacket over, getting ready to leave.

“No, no! Wait, you can’t go now” Clarke grabs his elbow. She knew that when he panicked he hardly even knew what was happening around him ”Stop, let’s think this over. There’s a hotline, see” she nods at the screen ”Let’s just call and see if they know anything about them.”

They coax Monty into settling down on the couch, Clarke one side, Murphy on the other while Raven grabs him a glass of water. They start calling the hotline but they can’t get in touch with anyone and that scares Monty even more while Clarke and Murphy are trying not to freak out. 

The next hour is hell for them, staring at the screen, trying to make sense of what they were reporting, Monty refusing to let his phone go for a second, continuing to call the base and every goddamn number he has that could help them reach their friends.

When they get to the point of yelling at one another because dear lord they are out there and they could be dead, Murphy’s phone rings.

“It’s Bellamy!” he shouts out over them and suddenly all of them stop talking as Murphy picks up and turns the speaker on ”Bellamy!” he calls his name desperately.

“Hey, Murphy!” he sounds horrible and they can barely make out his words, it’s so noisy around him.

“Bellamy are you okay, are you fine?” Clarke interrupts.

“You’re on speaker, dude” Murphy explains a little bit calmer now that they’ve heard his voice.

“I’m fine” he says and relief washes over them ”I need you to listen to me I don’t have much time. Is Monty there?”

“I’m here.”

“It’s me, Raven, Clarke and Monty, Bell” Murphy explains ”What’s wrong? We saw the news, you guys were ambushed?”

“I assumed they already freaked you guys out, which is why I am calling” he explains ”I have to be at my captains tent in five, but I had to call.”

“Where’s Nathan?” Monty asks, without bothering to hide his shaky voice ”Is he alright.”

“Okay, I need you all to calm down” Bellamy begins as they hear him move away, trying to maybe find a quiet place which seemed to be impossible ”Miller got shot, but he’s fine, I just dropped him off at the infirmary and they took him to surgery.” they all explode with questions the minute he says this

“Guys, PLEASE!” he shouts out and they all quiet down preparing to listen ”He’ll be fine. He lost blood but I don’t think the wound is that serious. Jackson took him in the minute I got him there. Promised me he’ll do everything he can. He was talking up to me the entire time, he was conscious.”

“Where was he hit?”

“The shoulder and his right side. But I managed to stop the bleeding on his shoulder. I am sure he’ll be fine, I need you to stop panicking right now cause that’s not doing anyone any good.”

“Are you alright?” Raven asks again

“Fine, a bit shaken but fine.”

“How did this even happen?” Murphy seems angry but his hand never leaves Monty’s shoulder, gripping him tightly, trying to keep him grounded. Clarke is holding his hand and Raven is listening carefully to every word Bellamy says.

“I have no idea. It came out of nowhere. There are many casualties. Twice as wounded. I was one of the lucky ones.”

“What happens now? When will you get news on him?”

“Not soon. That’s why I am calling. I’m probably going to be send over there again, we’re still fighting. I’ll leave the phone with Miller or at least I’ll try to give it to one of the nurses. You should wait a few hours before calling, it will be a while before he’s out of surgery and moved to the room. I know you’re freaking out but you can’t call every ten minutes okay? You’ll just drive them nuts and they’ll turn it off.”

“We’ve got it” Murphy promises.

“Why are you going out there again?” Clarke can’t make sense of it. He can’t risk his life twice in one day ”You should be staying there.”

“Those things are not up to me. I am in one piece and quite honestly, I want to go back there. We need to get this over with, can’t let it continue too long.”

“Don’t do anything stupid, Bellamy, okay?” Raven warns.

“I won’t, it will be fine. I have to go now, Jaha is waiting for me.“

“Stay safe!” they all yell in the same time and it makes him smile

“And hey, Blake-” Murphy adds

“Yeah?”

“Don’t die on your birthday, you asshole” Clarke covers her mouth, they have been so worried in the past hour that they’ve completely forgotten about it ”Johnny Junior made you the best birthday card ever. I need you to see it.”

“I’m looking forward to it.. Bye guys.” he hangs up before they know what’s even happening.


	3. Furloughs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you all for reading once again! It turned out so, that this chapter doesn't really have emails and it's mostly just dialogue, which I hope you won't mind. I tried to make it a big lighter. I'll get back to the letters in the next chapter since that's the basic idea of the story.

For the next few days they stayed together, all hanging out in Murphy’s or Raven’s place since they couldn’t stay at Clarke’s where O could come by and wonder why they looked like ghosts. 

They were each other’s anchors. 

When Monty was freaking out why Miller wasn’t picking up, Clarke pulled him down on the couch and convinced him to calm down and get something to eat. When Murphy was asking why the hell hasn’t Bellamy still called, Raven scolded him for being a pussy and not giving the man time to breathe and when Raven was tired and fussy after a long day’s work, it was Monty who reminded her to take a shower and stop trying to bite their heads off. 

The anxiety and stress of it all was killing them. They were running up and down from work, to home, to someone else’s place in a desperate way of trying to keep things together, but deep inside they were ticking bombs getting ready to explode. All of them but Clarke who, though worried about Miller and Bellamy, was the one who had to get over her own feelings for the sake of the others.

Surprisingly Monty broke after he finally talked to Miller for the first time. They all huddled around him on the floor and hugged him, suffocating him with love and sympathy until they were sure he was fine. 

From then on it got a little bit better though Murphy and surprisingly for him, Clarke were a bit on edge because of Bellamy. Miller told them he came back the next evening after he got shot and he made sure to come by and check on him before even going to his tent first, but he hasn’t called or written and all they knew was that he was in one piece, that he wasn’t wounded. Other than that he seemed to have been trying very hard to ignore them. 

“Hey, Monty, I’m here!” Clarke yells as she opens the door of his flat with her own set of keys. They’ve decided they are going to hang out at his place for a bit before hitting the bar later-they could all use a drink. 

“Come in!” he yells from the living room which means Jasper’s not home or she would be able to hear them playing games on the play station and arguing loudly. Instead, when she makes herself in, she finds Monty sitting on the floor with his legs crossed, smiling widely as he explained something to his boyfriend.

“Miller!” she exclaims happy as she drops the bags she was carrying and Monty turns to wave and greet her ”I’m sorry guys, am I bothering you? I am a bit early.” 

“Not at all!” Monty assures her ”Miller’s nurse agreed to wheel his ass to the computer room so we could skype. Come over here.” he pats the place next to him and she happily obliges.

“Hey, Nate!” she greets him as she finally gets to see him in one piece or well…almost in one piece. 

He was sitting in a wheelchair, dressed in one of the hospital nightgowns she knew so well, his arm fixed in a sling, a few bruises marking his face and a very tired and sleepy look in his eyes. He was probably being given a lot of sedatives in order to ease his pain.

“Clarke, nice to see you.” they exchange a few pleasantries and talk a bit about him going through the surgery and how long will it take him to recover while Monty gets up and grabs the groceries she brought, carrying them in the kitchen, letting them catch up with each other. She decides to use this opportunity to get some information.

“What’s up with Bellamy? Where’s he?” Miller sighs as he looks down at his feet for a minute before answering.

“He was supposed to skype with us now but when he passed by to check on me, he looked so tired, that I just send him off to bed. He checks on me at least twice a day, keeps me company in the evenings.”

“So he’s fine, but just tired?” she tries to calm herself down, which makes her ask herself why on earth was she worried about Bellamy Blake in the first place? Miller shrugs.

“He’s always been like that you know” she furrows her eyebrows, trying to follow his train of thoughts ”ever since he was a kid. He has troubles sleeping” she swallows hard. This is the first time she hears about this and it makes her feel awful ”Jackson gave him some pills to knock him out cause he looked like shit.”

“Did something happen?” she asks the most logical thing and Miller runs his hand through his hair before looking up at her.

“We lost a guy from our team” his voice doesn’t shake but his eyes give it all out ”Riley.” she has heard the name but she can’t remember what he must’ve looked like ”Bellamy basically carried him in the infirmary but he was already gone.“

“I’m really sorry, Miller.” he just nods and for a few seconds none of them know what to really say until Miller clears his throat ”This is probably why he hasn’t reached out. You know how he is” no, she doesn’t, because she’s not sure really has a right idea of the kind of man Bellamy Blake is ”he won’t let anyone in if it comes to him needing help. Just…give him a few more days to get himself together” he fiddles his thumbs ”to accept it.”

“Have you tried…talking to him?” she asks not because she doubts him but because she needs to know someone tried to help him when none of his friends did.

“He’s pushing me away too. He thinks it’s all his fault, me getting shot, Riley dying…He takes it all and carries it on his shoulders.”

“But it’s not true!” she raises her voice and Monty shots her a worried look from the kitchen. 

Her friends seem to have noticed that lately she’s been asking a lot more about Bellamy than she used to, yet they were smart enough not to bring up the subject.

“Convincing him of that might be harder than moving a mountain, Clarke” he smiles sadly and shrugs lightly ”I’ll keep an eye on him, I promise” her heart swells a little at his words. 

He was hurt and couldn’t stand on his own but still promised to take care of his best friend. Though it still worried Clarke that Bellamy was refusing to open up even to Miller. 

“Should we call? Write him?” she asks feeling dumb since she had no idea what to do.

“Let me try to get to him first” he suggests instead ”I’ll talk to him tomorrow. Though there is one thing that would definitely cheer him up.” she looks up hopeful at him ”It would be great if he could see JJ. He loves that kid more than himself.”

“That can be arranged, I am supposed to babysit him on Saturday, you think we can figure something out?”

“I’ll try my best.” Miller promises and even he seems a bit lighter after they’ve figured out what they could do to help him.

They talk some more and then Harper comes by to take Miller back to the infirmary. 

Later on, Clarke tries to have fun with her friends but she catches herself spending time, thinking over Bellamy, imagining how he would be if he was here and she can’t seem to fathom when all this suddenly changed for her. 

But she can see him maybe throwing a remark, bickering with her over the movie she chose for them, pulling O’s hair playfully, elbowing Murphy when he starts cursing too much, lending his hand for Raven without asking her when she needs to get up and go to the bathroom, taking the coke and chocolate away from Jasper because it makes him too excited. She can see him doing all those things.

And he wasn’t even here.

 

 

“I told you that we should’ve came back ten minutes ago” Bellamy huffed as he helped Miller get back in bed, wincing slightly when his friend’s grip leaves his sore shoulder ”Harper was mad at us.”

“She’s probably just had a long shift” Miller shrugs as Bellamy helps him pull the blanket up ”And you have to ask her to check your shoulder too.”

“It’s nothing” Bellamy waves as he sits down on the chair next to the bed and raises his feet up.

“That’s not even sanitary, you asshole” Miller tries to push him off with his healthy hand but Bellamy’s too strong and he doesn’t even bulge ”You know I talked to Monty and Clarke last night” he carefully starts the subject and Bellamy raises his eyebrow. Miller tries very hard not to notice the dark circles under his eyes.

“You talk to the princess? That’s new.”

“She came by Monty’s place while we were talking” he explains while he tries to gather his thoughts ”Anyway, she mentioned Murphy wanted to talk to you, I told her you’ll probably find time tomorrow” he was hoping he sounded convincing and Bellamy wasn’t looking right through him.

“I don’t know, Miller I-” he starts trying to find a way out of this right away.

“Bellamy!” Miller scolds lightly ”You haven’t talked to them since I got shot. They’re your friends, they are worried, plus I am sure Murphy would be just his usual self-he’ll talk stupid shit and curse everything around him even if he has a four year old kid.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll talk to him.” Bellamy agrees as he leans back on the chair again and pouts like a little kid which would’ve made Miller laugh if it wasn’t for the fact that he wanted to discuss something else with him.

“Look, recovering is going to take a while and Jackson said that when I get on my feet I can get a furlough and go home for a week” Bellamy hums approvingly as he looks for the cigarettes in his pocket even though he knows he can’t light it in the damn infirmary ”What do you say you come with me?” his head snaps up and he looks really funny for a moment there, with his eyebrows furrowed, his jaw clenched, his hands gripping his pack. It seemed as if he can’t even process what Miller was saying.

“You know I can’t” he then huffs annoyed as he looks away and keeps trying to find something in his pocket.

“Why not? I am sure if you ask Jaha for a furlough, he’ll try to do everything he can to get you one.” he tries to press this just a bit further, testing the ground, hoping Bellamy won’t get mad.

“No, Miller” he just cuts him off and Miller notes that his friend is trying to come up with some excuse and leave.

“Bellamy!” he tries again ”Come on, man, let’s go home.”

“I don’t have a home to go to” he states coldly as he gets up but Miller can see the tears in his eyes ”Don’t you get it, Miller? I don’t have a Monty like you do. I don’t have anyone waiting for me.”

“Of course you do! You have Octavia and Murph-”

“My sister hates me” he interrupts him ”She wouldn’t even call on my birthday. She doesn’t know what’s going on here. And the fucked up shit ”he is getting angrier by the minute, but not at Miller, at himself ”is that it’s better this way. So…no, Miller, I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to meet up with all our friends and pretend like I am having the time of my life.”

“Then what do you want?” Miller asks genuinely looking for an answer.

“Right now? I would like to get drunk, but I can’t.” he shrugs implying that he is alright with not being alright ”And I want to fight. That’s all.” he puts his cap back on and gets ready to leave ”I’ll see you tomorrow, Miller.”

“Bell, wait!” he begs but Bellamy doesn’t stop and he watches him walk away, slowly and a little hunched, heading to the door as if it was his saving grace, because God forbid, he ever talked about his feelings.

 

 

Bellamy sat tiredly on the chair in front of the old computer and clicked twice on the skype icon, waiting for it to load in so he could type his name and password. Quite honestly, he wasn’t in the mood for this, he was tired and he wanted to do anything else but talk to Murphy right now, but he has promised Miller and if he knew his friend wouldn’t nag him, he wouldn’t even be here right now. 

“Murphy” he called out after he dialed and Murphy obviously picked up both of them waiting for the video window to load though once it did, all Bellamy could see was the familiar empty couch in his friend’s place ”Murphy, come on man, I don’t have time for games” he begged. Murphy had the tendency to prank him whenever he called and though before that used to fix his mood, right now it wasn’t something he was up to.

”Murphy, goddamn you!” he raised his voice a bit annoyed and when nothing and no one appeared on the other side he just sighed ”Fine, I am hanging up. Call me when you find your brain back” he was about to press the red button on the screen when all of a sudden there was a loud yell and everyone jumped either from behind the couch our from left and right yelling “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!”.

He jumped slightly in his chair, first a bit scared, then after realizing that this wasn’t someone trying to kill him but just his crazy ass friends trying to surprise him, he relaxed on the chair and tried to hide away his smile, though unsuccessfully.

He looked at them all-Monty in the right left corner of his screen, wearing the funniest birthday hat he had seen with small Einsteins on it, then Jasper hugging him, his goofy face never failing to make Bellamy smile, though he didn’t miss the dark circles under his eyes either. Then came Raven, his stubborn smart-ass Raven who was as usually dressed in her red bomber jacket,probably because she just came home from work, then there was Murphy, who was supporting Raven and on the floor right in front of him was no else than Clarke with four-year-old JJ in her lap, holding a big colorful poster saying “Happy birthday uncle Bell!” which was surely made with Clarke’s help though he could see JJ’s work on it too.

“Jesus Christ” he said and he felt himself smiling. It’s been months since he was like that-so light suddenly, so…happy to see them all right in front of him ”You guys are something else.”

“Did we manage to surprise you?” Jasper asked enthusiastically like the little kid JJ was ”We’ve been practicing this for a few days.”

“You’ve been practicing jumping up in front of a screen? Wow, you guys, who knew you could do something like that, right?” he joked and they all started talking at the same time, explaining how they all came up with it and telling him how happy they are to see him.

“I’m glad to see you all too” he said and he meant it ”How are you all doing? How’s my favorite boy doing?” he asked as he leaned closer to look at JJ

“Ucle Bell” he mumbles ”Ucle Bell, wanna hug?” he asks and stretches his hands towards the screen. Clarke’s hands hover behind him because he’s a little imbalanced with his arm broken like that and the blue cast on his hand makes Bellamy’s heart clench.

“Of course I wanna hug buddy. When I come home I am gonna hug you and never let you go” he promises.

“Never!” JJ exclaims. He looked a lot like Murphy, his hair, his face, but his eyes were his mother’s and that often dug a hole in both Murphy and Bellamy’s hearts because they knew her and they had to watch her die a few days after she gave birth.

“Your dad told me you fell and broke your arm, huh” -he asks and JJ nods his little head seriously. Everyone are watching them carefully, smiling behind JJ but Clarke’s face is practically beaming when she looks at JJ. He knew Murphy trusts her enough to leave his son with her but it was different to see them so close together.

“I’m like robot” JJ raises his arm and explains ”Dada says I can break someone’s nose if I hit them.”

“Father of the year, aren’t you Murphy?” Bellamy jokes as he looks at his friend ”Teaching the kid to fight when he can’t even say his name right yet.”

“Hey, he gave me this the other day!” Jasper defends Murphy when he points at a bruise on his cheek ”He’s quite the bad…uh butt”. Bellamy chuckled at Jasper’s failed attempt to censor his words, though the effort was obviously approved by Murphy who nodded gratefully at his friend.

“Guys, please” Clarke interrupts as she buries her hands in JJ’s hair and plants a gentle kiss on his cheek ”He’s the sweetest little pumpkin” JJ giggles and Bellamy can’t help but smile. 

He wishes so bad to be there right now but at the same time he knows it’s better if he’s not.

”Come on, sweetheart, show uncle Bell what you drew for him” she urges him and JJ happily obliges as he starts looking for something on the coffee table. In the meantime the rest of them keep asking him stuff but his eyes somehow always fall on Clarke’s who’s not pushing him to say anything but just looks at him. That takes him aback a bit since he was used to being invisible for her or when he wasn’t-to just bicker with her. But now her eyes were scanning him and she was even slightly furrowing her eyebrows as if she saw something she greatly disapproves of.

“Ucle Bell!” JJ interrupts them when he finally finds what he was searching for ”LOOK!” he yells and practically smashes something on the screen, hiding everyone away from Bellamy’s view.

“Not like this, sweetheart, you have to hold it like that so he can see it” he hears Clarke explain and in a few seconds he sees her helping JJ raise a yellow birthday card he has made for him “Now tell him what you drew.”

“That’s ucle Beeeeell” he says when he looks at his own piece of art, making everyone beside him smile ”And that’s his rifle” he points with his good hand while Clarke holds it for him ”And that’s his helmet and his big boobs.” at that Bellamy bits his lips so hard because he can’t laugh out loud in front of the kid and he can see everyone else doing the same.

“You mean his boots, son?” Murphy helps out, his voice shaking with laughter. JJ looks up and nods.

“Yeah, boobs!”

“Hear that, Blake, you’ve got big boobs” Raven jokes, though her voice is absolutely serious. Jasper has covered his mouth with his hands and Bellamy can see the tears in his eyes. He excuses himself because he just can’t help but laugh. Monty shakes his head and for the next few minutes they are trying to calm themselves down.

“And what is he doing?” Clarke asks JJ next.

“Well he’s getting old” -JJ explains as if he can’t understand why Clarke doesn’t seem to grasp what having a birthday means ”Dada said he’s an old man now.”

“I am 26 Murphy!” Bellamy protests and Murphy shrugs.

“You still are an old man and I am sure everyone here will agree with me.” Bellamy whispers fuck you so the kid can’t hear him and Murphy sticks his tongue out.

“No, I mean what is his job?” Clarke gets back on asking JJ ignoring Bellamy and Murphy’s childish behavior and he smiles proudly because he knows the answer.

“He’s a soldier. He keeps us safe.” Clarke hugs him and places a kiss on his forehead for the right answer and he hugs her. He seems to love being with her and deep down Bellamy was a little jealous because he’s always been JJ’s favorite person besides his dad.

They talk for a while, about Miller and everything else but he makes sure to ask the questions and not them. He was good at diverting the attention from him. By the time it was almost an hour since they started talking, Raven got a phone call from work and went to talk in the other room. Monty took it upon himself to check on Jasper who went to the kitchen to make the pop corn for their movie night, Murphy took a tired JJ to his room so he could get him to sleep and the only person left was Clarke, still sitting on the floor, looking at him with the same expression as before-like she knew something wasn’t right, which made him uncomfortable.

“So, Blake” she asks and notices him rubbing his hand over his shoulder for the fifth time since they started talking ”Now that everyone else are gone and you don’t have to pretend, how it is you’re really doing?”

“I’m fine, Griffin” he tries to play it cool as he shrugs but the move makes him wince a bit ”You look like hell though?”

“A 20-hour shift would do that to you, but don’t try to be smart with me-I know you’re changing the subject.”

“It’s never easy with you, princess, is it?” he smirks but she won’t buy his shit ”Always so bent on getting to the bottom of things. You know, not everything is that complicated?”

“What’s with your shoulder? You keep favoring it.” she adds instead and he laughs as he leans back on the chair, refusing to indulge in a serious conversation with her.

“Don’t trouble yourself with stuff that are not worth worrying over, Griffin” he says that and somehow his voice sounds sadder to her, way more quieter.

“Bellamy” she says, her voice threatening, as if she can get to him and slap the back of his neck because she’s pissed “Seriously, what’s with your shoulder?”

“I fell, princes” he sights as if annoyed with her ”While I was fighting. Because that’s what I do-I fight and I try my best.” he says simply ”See? You’re making it all so complicated when it’s not. You gotta look at the bigger picture sometimes.” he jokes but she just furrows her eyebrows and he can’t help but smile at the way she pouts. Angry Clarke was his favorite.

“You want me to look at the bigger picture? Fine” she was pissed off and he was starting to feel guilty for doing this to her ”You look like shit, you probably hasn’t slept for more than two hours, you talk to your friends and pretend like everything’s perfect for you and when you get hurt you either lie or try to hide it. Or both. Am I right?”

“Don’t overthink it, princess”he says with the calmest voice ”I’m fine. Thank you for taking care of our rebellious delinquents” he tries changing the subject and she sighs when she realizes she won’t convince him of her words. Or make him talk about himself.

“You’re welcome. I could do a lot better if you were here too. Sometimes I… I really can’t figure out what to do. Especially when it comes to Jasper or Raven. You are great with them.”

“Don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing great.” he assures her ”And hey, whenever you need it, you can always email or call and I’ll do my best to help you out” she nods and he watches her hug her knees as she leans on the couch ”Don’t put all the world on your shoulders, princess. They don’t need you holding their hands all the time, they just need guidance here and there. And I am sorry that you’re dealing with all of it on your own.”

“Come back, so I won’t have to” she says and he smiles, but he doesn’t respond which makes her tense for a second. Why didn’t he respond? ”Okay?” she adds but he’s not paying attention to her anymore, he’s checking his watch and running his hand through his hair.

“Sorry, princess, gotta go if I want to get some dinner tonight. Hope to hear from you soon again.”

“I’ll write” she promises and he smiles before they say their goodbyes and he goes offline.

She stays there on the floor, replaying the whole conversation in her head for a while and even though she tries not to read too much into it like he suggested, she can’t help but feel like something’s wrong, because why on earth didn’t he promise her he was coming back.


	4. Phone calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you all for reading! Hope you like this one and I am sorry for any pain I might cause. I really appreciate all the comments, it's what makes me keep writing so thank you for that.

**_From: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

**_To: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ ** __

_Hey Princess,_

_So, it might’ve taken me a bit longer to figure out why come you haven’t emailed in the past few days but thanks to Murphy, I did. Or more like-I had to squeeze the truth out of him, he said you didn’t want anyone to know. I honestly can’t believe that after all the speeches and nagging that you give me, you are being such an asshole about your own health._

_He said you came to work and you were so sick they basically had to kick you out because you refused to go home. Murphy said your cough is makiing him shiver-it was that horrible. Honestly, thank God he’s there, princess, cause if it was me, you wouldn’t have gotten away with it all so easily. Seriously? Like, I don’t get it, Clarke! Getting sick and exhausting yourself to the point where you collapse…that’s something else even for you._

_He said he drove you home, took care of you and right now, he’s honestly my favorite person, because it’s clear that even though you’re a doctor ( a fucking doctor, Princess!!! Doing surgeries and being perfect in every goddamn thing you get your hands on), you failed to make sure you’re fine. I won’t lie to you-he was pissed. But he was a lot better than Jasper and Monty-the kids called me basically crying, asking me to do something, to make you fucking rest and not fight them about everything they try to do to help you! They said they’ll be there tonight too-make sure you take your meds and have enough to eat, since obviously you don’t do that either, even if Murphy was so bent on making sure you gain more weight._

_You can imagine my reaction after all this-I was mad, yes, but I was helpless too. I wasn’t there to make sure you have your stubborn ass glued to the bed, I wasn’t there to make my famous chicken soup (that’s why I gave Murphy the recipe, but I think you and I both know I make it better, still…hope it helped). If this was some twisted way for you to get it back at me for the fire accident well…here it is, you did it. You freaked me out. I sincerely hope this is a good lesson for you and that maybe you’ll start thinking more about yourself and less about the others (I feel like I am asking you for the stars here)._

_Anyway, I won’t nag you anymore, but I am still pissed. I hope you get better soon (and don’t you dare go to work before that cough is completely gone!). Miller suggested I send you some of the pics he took at our last successful mission, so I have them attached in this email. Hopefully, they will make you smile._

_I noticed that Murphy never said anything about my sister being there for you or noticing something’s wrong (even though she LIVES THERE), so some englihtment on the subject would be good. Seriously, what’s going on with her? I promise, I won’t freak out, just tell me the truth._

_For once, my message to you is what you always tell me_

_Stay safe, Princess_

_-Bellamy_

**_From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

**_To: bellblake@gmail.com_ ** __

_Hey Bellamy,_

_I am really sorry I couldn’t email, unfortunately, much to my dismay, you found out why. I was planning to give you the “too much work” card, but you caught me, thanks to Murphy. I should start by saying that I am being a good patient now, still in bed (under three heavy blankets Murphy brought), but I am feeling a lot better. Honestly, you guys freaked out way too much, it’s just the flu, but I appreciate your concern. I am beyond the point where I am surprised by your emails, but I didn’t expect the big speech from you._

_Your soup did miracles and Murphy and Monty were hovering around me basically non stop. Monty didn’t leave my side until my fever broke and Jasper brought Maya too, to supposedly “check on me” since she’s a “doctor and all” (his words) but I could definitely use the company. The best thing about her, is that she doesn’t freak out. I am sorry that I worried you and the kids, as you so stubbornly call them, so much. I admit that I might’ve pushed myself a bit too hard, I promise I’ll try to take better care of myself, but you know that I am not the only one who’s being a stubborn idiot. What happened with that shoulder of yours? If you think I’ve forgotten, you seriously don’t know me._

_Murphy came by today after work. Interesting thing, though, he brought some stuff with him, honestly he looked like Santa with all the bags he was carrying. He was a bit pissed off at me (still) but he took out a blue jacket that…I know is yours. He said you guys talked and you told him to get it from your room, that it no longer fits you and even though a bit old, it would definitely do a better job than my one. (which he described as thin as paper) He also bought me new gloves, a hat and a pretty warm light blue scarf. And to complete all this-he even got boots, that Raven picked for me. Apparently, you all are trying to tell me that I can’t pick my own clothes. I admit that it’s been a while since I went shopping, with all those crazy hours at the hospital, but you all didn’t have to do this. Murphy didn’t want to hear any of my excuses of course, he just made me try them out and once he was sure it all fit he said that if the next time I came to work, I wasn’t dressed like that, he was going to fire me. I told him, that he is a nurse and he is not my boss and technically…can’t do that, but he promised he’ll find a way and I don’t think he was joking._

_So now you can rest assure that I am warm and there’s no way I’ll get sick when I am dressed like a fucking austronaut. I am sure that a polar bear would start sweating in those clothes. Anyway…jokes aside, thank you. Thank you so much for caring. Murphy said you called every night to check on me even if you were sometimes busy or on a mission. I haven’t had that since…my dad. And that was a long time ago, so I appreciate it._

_As far as Octavia goes…okay so the thing is that ever since you left for your tour she’s been spending more time with Lincoln, which of course, I would never mind, was it not feeling like she’s completely ingoring us. She rarely spends movie nights with us and whenever we invite her out, she always finds some excuse. I barely see her anymore between my shifts at the hospital and trying to catch on my sleep, it feels like she doesn’t really live here anymore. I’ve been trying to talk to her about it a few times but she doesn’t really want to give me any explanation. The last time she hang out with us she seemed annoyed and she barely talked to any of us. Monty got quite pissed off at her when he was discussing Miller and you with Murphy and Raven. They got into a bit of a fight about you guys sacrificing yourself for your country (obviously she had a different opinion on the subject) and I had to literally prevent a fight. I’ve never seen Monty and Jasper that angry, you know it’s not like our boys to get too pissed off. I’ve assigned Raven to try and talk to her and we decided to drag her ass out for a cup of coffee and make her spill it all out. I’ll tell you how that goes._

_I’m sorry, that I haven’t mentioned that before. I always hoped that things will change and I won’t have to trouble you needlessly. I am sure things will work out eventually. Please, don’t call and make a big deal out of it before we’ve talked to her. We will figure it out together but your mind needs to stay where it is, okay?_

_Now I’ll end this long email by saying that I loved the photos you send! I admit that seeing you play with JJ and being so careful and smart with him always made me a bit jealous, but the pictures all these kids, playing and hugging some of them that was heartwarming. You guys are awesome. I wish Octavia could see things the way we all do. If you have more of these, please send away!_

_As always, stay safe_

_-Clarke_

**_From: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

**_To: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ ** __

_Hey Princess,_

_I’m going to try and keep this short, because we’re being sent on a recon mission in about twenty minutes. I wanted to wake up earlier and get to the computer room before everyone else but it turned out everything was already taken when I got here and I had to wait for half an hour to finally sit down and write you this. So I am sorry about that. I am very happy that you send me such long emails and explain everything in detail. It helps me picture how things are going there and it’s quite different from talking on the phone._

_I had to pass by and check on Miller too. He’s getting very anxious sitting in the infirmary all by himself (quite honestly, I think he’s going crazy). I don’t know if Monty told you already but he’s coming home next week and I am sure that will do him some good. He deserved the furlough, plus he needs some time to recover from everything that happened._

_This is my first mission without him in a long while. The first one without Riley too. We had a new guy arrive yesterday…to replace him. He’s a boy quite honestly, Nineteen years old. He just got out of boot camp and he is still very confused and doesn’t even know half of the things that are going to happen to him. He reminds me of me and Miller when we first got here._

_Anyway, I am glad you’re doing better. I talked to Raven yesterday. She said you’ve been listening to them, though they won’t let you go that easy, for which I am beyond grateful. Don’t forget to eat, princess. I know I keep repeating it but it’s important. I haven’t seen a picture of you lately, but when we skyped the last time when you had JJ in your lap, you looked a bit thinner than I remember._

_Now, onto my sister. Because I really don’t have the time-I am not mad that you didn’t tell me what was going on. Quite honestly, I am more angry at myself because I am sure this is because of me. Octavia never approved of me getting in the army even if she tolerated it at first. I think she just can’t accept that her brother is a killer now and I am not sure I can blame her. Still…what she’s doing to you guys, the way she’s acting…that hurts and I wish I was there, I wish I could fix it somehow, though I realize she doesn’t listen to me anymore. It doesn’t sound like her to be that way._

_The thing is, I don’t believe Lincoln is the problem for it either (yes, I am actually saying this). I appreciate that you and Raven will talk to her, I only ask one thing of you-please, when you do, no matter what happens, or how she acts, tell me. Tell me what it is (if there’s something wrong), just be honest with me. I can’t get it out of my head that she’s acting like this towards her friends. It keeps me awake at night. So please, just be honest, I won’t get mad, I just need to know._

_I really have to go now,_

_Be safe, princess_

_-Bellamy_

_P.S Don’t even mention the jacket, princess, it was my pleasure. And as far as caring about you, that won’t ever change, so get used to it._

~~~~

**_From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

**_To: bellblake@gmail.com_ ** __

_Hey Bellamy,_

_I don’t know how to start this, I am pretty upset right now, but I figured that I should do what you asked of me in your email and be honest with you so I won’t beat around the bush, I just want you to promise me, that after you read this, you won’t do anything stupid._

_Promise okay?_

_Alright. So now that we have that, here is what happened. Raven and I met with Octavia and it was…quite honestly a disaster. It didn’t start good to begin with, I think that she didn’t even want to meet us, but maybe Lincoln made her. She was quite annoyed and seemed to be in a rush to get rid of us so even though we were trying to make small talk at first, she just cut us off and asked us what the problem was and why she was here. Raven got mad at this, she didn’t snap, but she told her the truth-that the way she’s behaving lately will leave her without friends, that she’s been treating us like crap._

_Of course, Octavia started defending herself, saying she has a life of her own now and then turned to me with the news that she’ll probably move out next month and I should start looking for a roommate. It all happened so fast and there were so many things said that I can’t order my thoughts right now. More or less, Raven and her argued and I tried to intervene and be the mediator but that didn’t do any good. At the end I snapped too, telling her that I don’t even recognize the person she is right now and she bit back saying that I never knew her at all. It seemed like she wasn’t much of herself for whatever reason and at the end when I pushed harder and mentioned college, she snapped at me saying that she dropped out months ago and that she is not spending as much time with us because she hates Monty and Murphy always talking about you guys. She said she doesn’t understand how we support this, you being out there, that it’s stupid and you’re getting yourself killed for nothing. That you’re killers and that you only enlisted because you ruined your life and didn’t know what to do with yourself._

_I…I honestly hate even writing all this. There were many things she said about you and us, all of them hurt a lot. I’ve never seen Raven so pissed off, I was on the verge of tears and when I got home I hid in the bathroom and let it all out while Raven was making tea in the kitchen._

_I am so sorry, I didn’t want you to find out about it like this. I can’t make much sense of it myself. I wish I could call you right now and try to explain it better so you don’t have to puzzle the rest of it by yourself, but Murphy said you’re still out there on your mission._

_When you read this, please don’t freak out okay? I am sure that we’ll figure it all and if we can’t, then she has to figure for herself that we’re not the enemy here. But I am begging you, don’t do anything stupid, alright? You asked me to be honest and tell you the truth and I am, but don’t be an idiot. When you read this, call me so I can explain better. I don’t want you going over this on your own._

_That’s what comes to mind right now, so please please call me._

_Stay safe,_

_-Clarke_

~~~~~~

**_From: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

**_To: clarkedeprivedgriffin@hotmai.com_ ** __

_Hey Clarke,_

_I am going to keep this short because I am not much myself now either. I called Lincoln after I came home and read your email. I know you told me to get in touch with you right away…but I wanted to know, to hear and talk to her myself. I realize now it was a mistake._

_He gave me the phone and she was…she was quite horrible. We had an awful fight, way worse than the one we had before I left. I can’t even begin to explain all the stuff she told me, she yelled a lot too. I uh..I will call you when I gather my thoughts together, I promise. I just need to process this._

_Don’t be mad at me and don’t worry. Everything will be alright._

_I hope you’re safe and sound too. I am sorry for the things she told you and Raven. I can’t recognize her either anymore._

_-Bellamy_

~~~~~~~

**_From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

**_To: bellblake@gmail.com_ ** __

_I just came home after an awful twenty hour shift only to find out from Murphy what happened to you. I never got the chance to read your last email and I feel guilty not doing so, especially after everything that happened. I knew something went wrong when you didn’t call…but I didn’t expect this._

_I won’t say I am disappointed, because I am not. I am just angry. I’m angry at her and at this whole situation. Murphy said Miller called to tell him what happened. He found out from Bryan who passed by in the infirmary looking for Jackson, but seriously, Bellamy? Getting drunk like this? Exchanging your stuff for alcohol so you can be an idiot and drown your misery in a bottle of jack and then get in a fight with another officer…When Murphy said something happened with you, I honestly never thought he would say this. It doesn’t sound like you to do so, though Miller obviously didn’t seem that surprised. He said you’ve been having a hard time with Riley dying and the last missions being so tough. I guess Octavia was the last straw, but that still doesn’t give you an excuse to get drunk and attack another soldier just because you’re looking for a fight or a way to get it all out. Bryan told Miller you’re in trouble, that Jaha was mad because you didn’t show up for duty and when you finally did, your face was unrecognizable, but he did cover for you as best as he could and gave you extra guard shifts as a punishment. Miller said that’s not good because you won’t get any sleep._

_He also said something else…that you asked Jaha for a furlough after you realized things are bad with Octavia at home, I assume that you thought coming here would give you the opportunity to fix things. I guess after you talked to her that must have changed if you managed to get yourself in this mess. He said you were denied furlough and you’ll have it hard for the next few weeks, which was only fair considering what happened. That was all news to me, I still wish you’ve done as I asked you to since I did what you asked me to-I was honest with you about the whole thing and in return you just had to call me. If you had, maybe none of this would’ve happened._

_I am worried about you but I am also angry because I wanted you for once not to be the idiot that you are and rush into things like you always do. Murphy and Miller are going way easier on you in that department, they say they understand but I’ll be honest-I don’t. When we started emailing, I thought I saw a different side of you, a side I know that exists. You are a good man, I just don’t get why any of this happened. I am sure there’s a lot I don’t know, probably many of the things she told you hurt you and aren’t true but that doesn’t excuse what you did. You could’ve gotten yourself hurt. You actually DID that. Miller said you provoked the guy and let him beat the shit out of you-he was scared because he’s never seen you like that before and that in turn scared me._

_I don’t know what’s going on in your head but I know something’s wrong and I wish I was there so I could help you. I am mad that you were denied furlough because I think coming home would’ve done you some good. I need a few days to cool off, I am sure you do too but when it’s over and you’ve put the pieces back together you should talk to us.If not me, you can call Murphy or Raven..or just talk to Miller. He said he’s leaving tomorrow and he hates that you won’t be going with him._

_Be safe and don’t do anymore stupid things,_

_-Clarke_

~~~~~~

Miller coming home was the best thing to happen to all of them in a long while. They haven’t even realized how much they needed to see him, to let a breath of relief that he was there, alive right in front of them, even if a little bruised and battered. But he was home.

Monty organized a big welcome back party and they all helped. Clarke hadn’t seen him so enthusiastic in a while. Jasper joked that he smoked too much weed last night and now he doesn’t know what he’s doing, but it was clear to them all-he was just happy to see his boyfriend. 

And Miller was happy to see them too. After Monty, he hugged Clarke the longest. Even though they haven’t really been that close before, they always had this mutual respect for one another and ever since the last events, they got to talk a few times over the phone too, which brought them closer. 

Clarke smiled and laughed with all of them that evening, but the truth was…she couldn’t help but feel sad. She couldn’t stop thinking about Bellamy and what it would be like to have him here with Miller. At some point, when the party was at its peak and they all danced around in Monty’s living room, she separated herself from the crowd with a beer in hand and leaned on the wall, watching them from afar with a sad smile on his face.

She tried to picture what he would say if he was here. He always had this annoying habit of joining her whenever she got tired of dancing or fooling around and he would often come by just to tease her. She smiled at the thought of him but something told her, that if he was here now, he wouldn’t be mocking her or trying to tease her. She liked to think they would just talk, be happy that their friends are happy and that would’ve made all the difference in the world for her.

She tried to picture where he was right now, what he was doing but she knew she won’t get answers. He had gone completely radio silent after their last few emails and the thought of him being out there on his own, without even Miller by his side, tortured her.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t noticed when Miller has made his way to her.

“May I join you?” he asked gently and she nodded as she took a look at his tired face and the way he leaned exhausted on the wall. His arm was still wrapped up in a sling, but otherwise he looked intact.

“Of course,” she reassured him and granted him a smile ”You enjoying yourself?”

“I am,” he chuckles as he looks at Monty and Jasper who were being goofs, trying to dance around in the middle of the room ”But you’re not,” he stated and she tensed. She had no intentions of ruining his night and she thought nobody would call her on her bullshit mood, but apparently she was failing at the task “It’s okay. I am worried about him too,” Miller admitted and it seemed to be the most normal thing in the world for him that Clarke was thinking about Bellamy right now.

“Do you think he’s alright?”

“Punishments are always hard,” Miller shrugs. ”Can’t say he didn’t deserve it, but Jaha was pretty tough on him too. He looked pretty tired the last time I saw him.”

“Can’t you call?” she asks hopefully but he just shakes his head as he gives her a curious look.

“Jaha took his phone away. He’ll get it back when this whole thing is over.” She sighs as she rubs her forehead with her hand, not noticing Miller’s look on her. ”You care about him,” he states and her head snaps up at his words. She’s glad it’s quite dark so he can’t see her blushing, because she feels like her face is on fire. ”Don’t worry, I am not accusing you or anything, I am…happy actually. He needs someone in his life who cares. I mean, someone besides me.”

“I wish he knew that.” She swallowed hard as her eyes moved away from him.

“Maybe one day he will.” He nudges her with his good shoulder. ”I’ve got something for you.” She looks at him curiously as he struggles to dig something out of the inner pocket of his jacket. He finally manages to take a crumpled paper out and hand it to her. ”He gave me this before I left.” She looked at it the envelope and for a minute she wasn’t sure what to feel when she saw her name written with his uneven handwriting. ”He probably knew he won’t get to send you an email soon so he wrote it out the old-fashioned way.” Her fingers trembled slightly so she squeezed her grip in order to steady her hand.

“Thank you, Miller,” is all she manages to utter and she’s completely taken aback when he leans down and gives her a hug with his one good arm. She hasn’t realized how much she needed it until she wrapped her arms around him too. It was great having everyone else here. Murphy, Raven, Monty, they all cared about Bellamy, but somehow she felt like Miller understood what she was going through best and that made it better.

“I’m glad he has you,” he whispered in her ear before he let go of her and smiled. He turns away then, rejoining everyone else in the middle of the room. She refolded the envelope, the same way Bellamy has when he gave it to Miller and excused herself to Monty, saying she has an early shift tomorrow and needed to rest. She then threw Bellamy’s blue jacket over her skinny arms and practically bolted out. 

She was in such a rush to get home. She felt the letter burning her hand as she kept it hidden in her pocket. Outside it was snowing, but not hard. It was like the sky was having fun, slowly spreading the snowflakes on the ground and many of them got caught in her blond mess of hair, many of them getting stuck on her red nose or her blue scarf. The cold air threw her off at first when she got to the street, but now she welcomed it as it helped her cool off. She hasn’t even realized how red her cheeks were until she looked herself in the mirror once she finally got home. Of course, the flat was empty. Octavia hadn’t been here in over a week and right now Clarke definitely didn’t mind that.

She didn’t take his jacket off, it didn’t feel right to do so. She just threw her shoes off, got her hat and scarf away and tossed them on the table, cursing Murphy for making her wear so many things before jumping onto the couch.

With shaky hands she tore the envelope open. She sucked in a breath to steady herself and she began to read.

_Dear Clarke,_

_I can’t imagine how angry you must be at me right now and honestly, you have the right to be. So I am not sure you’ll even read this letter but I had to write it anyway._

(She gripped the yellow page harder with her white hands and didn’t even realize that a whimper escaped her lips.)

_You were right about everything you said in your last email-I rushed into things when I should’ve just called you and let you explain. I once again disappointed you and Miller and I realize that I am out of excuses anymore. I think, unfortunately, maybe you were wrong about me. Maybe your first impression of me was correct - I am not a good man, I am just an idiot who does stupid things and doesn’t care much about what it does to others. I am selfish and stubborn and I’ve realized that I’ve dragged enough people in my life because of it. And the truth is…I don’t want to drag you in too. I don’t want to be selfish or stubborn with you, because I know you deserve better. You know, the thing is, I had a wrong impression about you, I saw only what I wanted to see and I kept stubbornly insisting that I was right even after I got to know you better and saw you for the person you are. Maybe because it was easier hating you than admitting I was wrong._

_Unlike me, you’re a good person. You are compassionate and caring and you take care of everyone, refusing to let them go until you’re sure they’re fine. I know this, because you’ve shown me that too and that’s why I refuse to hurt you anymore. I know you won’t let me be until you’re sure I’m fine and for the first time in forever, I’ll be the selfless one and refuse to hurt you. You don’t have to care about me anymore, Clarke, I am letting you be._

_You know, my sister was wrong about one thing - I wasn’t lost when I joined the army. I remember very vividly the moment I decided to enlist and I remember what I did when I got home after I filled out the papers. I haven’t even told Murphy. I haven’t told anyone and I was wondering how I was going to do it. I picked up JJ from his crib. He was still a baby and I held him close and he nuzzled in my shoulder and I remember thinking that everything would be alright. I knew where I was going, I might not have known how hard it would be, but I realized very good that I might not come back or that when I do, I won’t be myself anymore._

_The only thing, I haven’t thought through was that I will hurt people along the way too. That they will worry about me or try to figure out ways to help me when I can’t even help myself. I realized that last year when I got shot. But for you…I’ve always been happy that you hated me because it meant that you’ll be alright and you will be the person to keep them all together if I were to die. And now…now things changed and trust me, reading your emails-that’s the best part of my day but I won’t do this to you. I won’t hurt you, I don’t want to._

(She hasn’t even realized when she started crying. With blurry eyesight and shaky hands she read the last two lines.)

_Be safe, princess. Be happy. Be alive._

_Thank you,_

_-Bellamy_


	5. Photographs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you guys for reading! This chapter is not exactly full of emails or letters, but I've tried to include other stuff like dialogue and a bit of flashback too, so I hope you still like it.

Two days after she read his letter, Clarke is on her way to Monty’s place since they were having another gathering tonight before hanging out at the bar. 

She hasn’t seen anyone since the night Miller came home, mostly because she’s been buried with stuff to do at work and mainly because she was avoiding everyone. They haven’t really noticed or if they have, they were waiting for the right time to corner her and make her spit it out, which she wouldn’t do. 

She was too confused, still trying to make sense of everything he told her. She understood what he was doing and she hated it but the reason why she hasn’t reached out yet wasn’t because she was pissed at him (on some level she always was), it was because she realized that if she was in his shoes, she would’ve probably done the same thing.

For the first time in her life she had no idea what to do. She should’ve known it would be Bellamy Blake to leave her speechless and confused at the end. She should’ve.

When she slowly opens the door of Monty’s place and kicks her nikies off, she balances her way to the living room door and just as she is about to yell for them to give her a help, she stops dead in her track once she hears Miller and Monty talk.

“What’s on your mind?” Monty asks and Clarke blushes suddenly looking around herself uncomfortable, wondering if she should just go back and pretend she never made her way in, since obviously they haven’t heard her.

“Bellamy” Miller huffs out tiredly and she peaks through the barely opened door. 

She knows she should go but she just couldn’t make herself move. She couldn’t see them good, she only assumed they were cuddling on the couch since the TV was on and a movie was going without them paying any attention to it.

”You know” Miller continues before Monty could interrupt him ”After I found out I could come home, I asked him to get a furlough and fly with me.”

“I thought he did that after all?” Monty seemed confused.

“He did, but only after he figured out things with Octavia aren’t fine. Before that…he didn’t want to. He said he won’t come home.” Clarke squeezes her eyes and for a minute it feels like her breath got stuck in her throat.

“Why not?” Monty voices her thoughts.

“He said he’s not like me” she heard Miller clearing his throat ”That he doesn’t have a Monty to go home to. That he was all alone and Octavia didn’t care about him anymore.” 

“That’s not true” Monty protests quite passionately and Clarke’s heart warms at it ”He has us, all of us, Murphy, me, Raven, Clarke too. Clarke cares about him.”

“I know she does. And I am sure on some level he realizes it too, it’s just that he can’t get it you know?” Monty doesn’t say anything maybe because he’s confused ”He can’t understand how someone could love him. He thinks of himself as a monster. He told me so last year when he got hurt.”

“You never talked about this” Monty’s voice was barely audible now and Clarke heard them shifting which made her press her back closer to the wall. 

“That’s because it was one of the worst things to ever happen to us” Miller admits ”It was horrible. And on our way home when I held him in the back of that damn rover, his head all bloody, his uniform was soaked and he was scared, so scared…and I was too” his voice breaks a little ”I was rambling all kinds of stupid things, hoping to make him feel better and at some point he just-” he stops, obviously having the need to gather whatever strength he had inside him.

“.You don’t have to tell me about it” Monty tries to reassure him but Miller obviously disagrees and Clarke hears a grunt escape his lips.

“No…it’s fine, I want to” she hears a heavy sigh escape his lips ”He just looked at me and said _“It’s fine, I deserve this, I am a monster”_ and it fucked me up so bad, I didn’t even know what to say. You know that’s the funny thing that when I got shot he was such a rock for me, he didn’t panic, he didn’t get scared like I did. He patched me up as best as he could and he kept saying stuff like _“Your skinny ass still awake, Miller? Great, stay with me cause I don’t want to have to fight your boyfriend, I am afraid i’ll kick his ass. By the way remember that time-”_ and he would talk and talk and talk and he even made me laugh. At some point it didn’t even hurt me that bad.”

“I’m glad you have him there” Monty admitted after a few minutes of complete silence in which they were both buried in their thoughts.

“Yeah…I only wish he had someone too. Someone to convince him he was not a monster.”

Clarke closed her eyes and slowly, very carefully made her way back to the door. She could hear that they changed the subject, turned the volume of the TV on and she carefully put her shoes back on and found her way out. She would come back in an hour, she had work to do.

She had a letter to write.

_Dear Bellamy,_

_It’s been a few days since Miller gave me your letter. Considering the content, I think you understand why it took me a while to respond, if you were even expecting a letter from me at all._

_You know the thing that pisses me off is not that I don’t really get what you were trying to do and why you were doing it. What made me mad was that you didn’t give me any say in the matter._

_You just decided all this for yourself, you sat down, wrote it all and said goodbye to me without asking if I want to stop talking to you at all. So you deprived me of my choice, Blake and that’s really not a gentleman thing to do. For a person who thinks so much about the others, you screwed up._

_Then again comes the other problem and that is that I just refuse to let you go. You might be all fine with cutting me off completely, but I am not. And do you know why? It’s becase as much as you won’t like it, we are the same, Blake and what you did in that letter is something I should’ve done too were I in your shoes._

_But since we’re both so similar then you must realize that I am too stubborn to let you go. You may hate me, but I won’t stop. I’ll call Miller every day if I have to, asking him about you and making sure you’re fine until one day you get so sick and tired of us nagging that you’ll talk to me._

_I get it, Bellamy, you you were trying to be selfless, but in your supposedly selfless act, you were selfish. You don’t want me to think and care about you because you are afraid that one day I might get hurt._

_Let me tell you something though-I am not our friends. I am not Monty or Miller, I am not Jasper and Raven. I am not your best friend Murphy-I don’t have illusions about the situation you are in. I am not bold enough to believe you are untouchable and that you will always be safe and nothing wrong would ever happen._

_I know where you are, I realize you are at war and just like you have accepted that you might not come back, I have too. It’s why we are the so called mom and dad of our group, that’s why we take care of them all-it’s because we realize those things._

_That is not to say that I won’t give a fuck if you die. I would probably be mad at the whole world if you do. I would be a wreck as much as you probably can’t imagine it, because you are my friend and you are also the person next to me when we have to deal with every shit life throws at us. And I realize that our relationship so far has been rocky and mostly consisting of bittering and teasing and now that that has changed, it fucked you up a bit. I know it kind of screwed me too but that doesn’t mean I would give up on whatever relationship we have right now. I thought you are a fighter, Blake? Want to fight for it?_

_So…after that long rant, I hope that when you get to read this letter, you won’t be a complete ass and at least give me some sort of response. Miller is coming back in two days so I’ll give it to him and I’ll wait for you to call._

_Stay safe,_

_-Clarke_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miller was observing the gates as he leaned back on the rover. He has come back this morning and Bellamy, who was guarding the front gates welcomed him with a smile which was fake and weak and he saw right through him. 

His friend looked exhausted and seemed like he was barely standing on his feet. Miller had no idea how long he’s been on post, but he was sure it must’ve been since last night. It was almost evening now, which meant he’s been standing there for almost a day. 

Now there were five minutes left till the guards switched and he was ready to jump in and help him get to their tent. They haven’t even been able to talk properly. 

The minute the next shift arrived he was by Bellamy’s side. He saw how once done, Bellamy moved away from the gates and started walking in the direction of their rover. 

He was moving so slowly, lifting his feet with effort as if every step was not getting him closer to his bed but was rather leading him to some path of destruction. Miller moved up, deciding to meet him halfway and once he got a better look of his face, he shivered.

“Hey, Blake” he said trying to be cheerful but Bellamy barely looked at him, it seemed like he was trying very hard not to collapse on his feet ”Come on, let me help you” he offered as he tried to shove his arm under Bellamy’s but he pushed him off gently.

“I’m fine, Miller” he uttered and his voice was so barely audible that it scared him.

“You look like hell” he commented but not in a scolding way, he was concerned. 

He has never seen him that fucked up and he couldn’t have imagine what a whole week of long ass shifts must’ve done to him. Punishments were designed that way-he must’ve gotten no more than five free hours a day and knowing Bellamy, he probably managed to get rest for one or two so how he was managing to walk right now, was a question Miller couldn’t give an answer to.

“Let’s get you to our tent” Miller suggested again and put his hand on his friend’s elbow, trying to support his weight at least a bit. 

But Bellamy was stubborn, he would never let anyone see him weak, no matter how tired or hurt he was. That never ceased to piss Miller off. 

There were so many occasions on which he had seen him hurt or barely standing or on the verge of collapsing and yet he kept on because he wouldn’t want to look like he can’t fulfill his duties. 

The last time that happened was after that awful fire he almost died in, where he had inhaled so much smoke and yet stubbornly persisted on walking on his own even though he barely breathed. 

Now the situation wasn’t really that different-the dark circles under his eyes made Miller furrow his eyebrows in anger, his whole body seemed to hurt, his hunched shoulders and his glossy disoriented eyes told Miller that his friend was about to collapse if he didn’t get to his bed in a few minutes.

“I have to report to Jaha” he said, again his voice almost a whisper but he made a right turn, changing their direction as he headed to their CO’s tent. 

Miller cursed under his breath as he followed him and tried to ignore the looks some of the soldiers threw at them. They knew Bellamy, who’s always been the perfect sergeant, has gotten himself a punishment and they were curious, wondering whether or not he’ll be one of those who collapsed in the middle of camp or kept on pretending like everything’s fine. Needless to say, Bellamy was not going to give them the satisfaction of providing enough gossip for the week. 

They entered Jaha’s tent and saluted him. He seemed to be buried in some papers and although he greeted back, his gaze barely left the folder he was looking at.

“I’m done with my shift, sir” Bellamy’s voice was louder now, but he still sounded weak. Jaha’s attention was finally caught and he lift up his head, pushing the papers aside and leaning back on his chair.

“And so is punishment.” he commented but he still seemed to be a little pissed off that Bellamy has gotten himself in this situation in the first place. 

He cared for them all and he has often praised Bellamy, but when you fuck up, you had to own up to your mistakes. Miller still thought that the shifts he gave him and the pressure he put on him was a bit too much but who was he to defy him

”Corporal Miller, I see you’ve come back” Miller nods curtly ”Are you feeling better?”

“Almost completely healed, sir” Miller responded as he made sure to stay close behind Bellamy in case he staggered.

“Good. I assume you’ve learned your lesson, Sergeant” he turned back to Bellamy ”I hope I won’t have to do this again.”

“No, sir” Bellamy promised and Jaha nodded, getting his attention back to the documentation ”You’re free to go.”

“Sir, I was just wondering” Miller carefully spoke up ”if we would be send anywhere in the next few days?”

“Don’t know yet, corporal, but considering the shape you two are in, I surely will refrain from doing so.”

“Sir, with all due respect, I made a mistake” Miller shot him an angry glance. Now was not the time to argue with Jaha ”Not my team. They shouldn’t be punished for it.”

“I’m not punishing them, sergeant” Jaha lift his look and Miller could see that beyond his calm expression, he was surprised Bellamy was still trying to pull up a fight about anything at all ”I am making sure they don’t die” Bellamy swallowed hard. 

That was a low blow. Jaha was trying to tell him that if he as a team captain was not in shape, then he couldn’t keep his teammates safe. Miller saw Bellamy clenching his jaw as he nodded without saying anything else. Miller was sure he heard him let a shaky breath out-Jaha was surely punishing him more than already necessary

”As I said, you’re free to go.”

They saluted him and turned around ready to leave when they heard Jaha’s voice again.

“And Bellamy” he used his first name, which meant he was dropping any captain facade he was keeping up until now and was trying to approach him on a more personal level ”Go get some sleep, you look like hell.”

“Sir” Bellamy uttered, clearly still upset after Jaha’s last remark as he turned again and they both left the tent in a rush as if they couldn’t spent another minute in there.

Bellamy fastened his pace, although it took Miller to realize why-he was so tired and afraid he’ll pass out, that he just wanted to hide away from everyone as fast as possible. Once they made it in, before Miller could even realize what was happening, Bellamy collapsed on his knees and a tired painful grunt escaped his lips.

“Hey, Bell” Miller kneeled down and when he looked at his face, he finally saw surrender. Bellamy was ready to give in. He exhaled relieved as he threw Bellamy’s arm over his shoulders and carefully lifted him up ”Come on, let’s fix you. And don’t you dare fight me” he warned but Bellamy was so exhausted, he barely even looked at him.

He moved him up to his cot and Bellamy started taking his jacket off with shaky hands. 

“My boots” he mumbled as he leaned down and tried to untie them but Miller slapped his hand away as he slowly started taking them off. Once he did, he gasped-there was blood on his socks.

“Oh, Bell” he exclaimed and Bellamy turned his head away as if ashamed that he was seeing him so weak. 

Miller slowly took his socks off to reveal his bloody feet. He’s been standing like this for so long, having shifts for over 12 hours every goddamn day-his feet were full of blisters and small wounds which must’ve been there from day one. Only there was no one to take care of them. Not even Bellamy.

“I’ll get Jackson” Miller suggests but Bellamy puts his hand on his shoulder, making him look up.

“No. No doctors. I just want to sleep” and Miller agreed. He was exhausted beyond humanly possible, he needed to rest. So Miller started helping him take his clothes off because he was barely moving his hands. When he pulled his sweaty shirt off and saw the scars from when he got hurt last year, he was brought back to the moment Bellamy almost died and it made him look away. 

“When was the last time you ate?” he seemed to have lost weight too.

“Yesterday morning…at breakfast I think” Bellamy responded with a shaky voice.

“Idiot” Miller scolded lightly as he shook his head ”Sleep?”

“I don’t even remember anymore” Bellamy shrugged ”It’s all such a blur. I don’t know…I don’t know how” his voice shook.

“Hey, it’s fine, I’ve got you” Miller promised as he squeezed his shoulder and pushed him down on the cot ”Sleep, I’ll go grab you something to eat and wake you up later.” 

Bellamy just nodded as he finally relaxed and ten minutes later, after Miller has gone out to get them everything they needed like food and bandages for his feet, he found his friend sleeping.

When he was done, he sat on one of the chairs and buried his head in his hands, rubbing his forehead slightly, trying to figure out how they got themselves here.

Until half an hour later, Bellamy woke up abruptly with a loud gasp-he didn’t scream, didn’t yell, didn’t even toss around in bed-but when Miller’s eyes met his, he saw the demons that plagued his friend. Bellamy tried to brush it off and turned his back to Miller as he breathed heavily but he had nowhere to run because you can’t escape your own hell.

The nightmares woke him up a few more times throughout the night. And Miller was there to witness them all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clarke was slowly making her way up the stairs to her apartment, desperate to just get to her bed and collapse after the two long shifts she’s just had. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she was trying not to worry too much about the fact that it’s been two days since Miller left and there was no word either from him or Bellamy. Yes…she was trying.

But her worry washed away when she jabbed her keys in the door and tried to turn the key in order to get in, only to find that it was already opened. She froze as she made her way inside and found Lincoln coming out of Octavia’s room carrying boxes.

“Hey, Clarke” he greeted her politely and with an apologizing smile.

He has never done anything wrong to her, never said one mean word so of course Clarke returned his smile, even though she was feeling extremely uncomfortable. It was clear what they were here for.

“Hey, Lincoln.” she responded as she refused to take her jacket off or drop her keys. It was clear she had to get out of her anyway and just as she was about to make some lame excuse Octavia came up from behind him carrying another big brown box of her belongings. 

She froze for just a few seconds when she saw Clarke and their looks met briefly before Clarke cleared her throat and continued

”I didn’t know you guys would be here.”

“We left a message, but I assume you didn’t have the time to listen to it” Lincoln explained and just as he did the phone on the coffee table in front of the TV rang. Clarke looked around feeling even more awkward as she was about to head to get it when Octavia, who clearly wasn’t disturbed by the noise kept staring at her in disbelief.

“Is this my brother’s jacket?” she asks bluntly and Clarke stops dead in her tracks, ready to bang her head in the wall. She looked at herself as if she could magically switch what she was wearing just by staring at it and swallowed hard.

“Yes” Clarke answers her voice getting lost in the big room. She wasn’t up to fighting with Octavia, she couldn’t even look at her, because every time she did, her thoughts brought her to Bellamy and the mess he has gotten himself into because of her ”I’m sorry for intruding, I’ll leave you guys to it” she mumbles as she attempts to turn around and leave.

“Won’t you pick the phone?” Lincoln asks after he threw Octavia a confused look. Maybe he, just as them, had a hard time dealing with her.

“It’s probably Murphy, he said he’ll call me when I get home. It’s okay” she tries to explain as she looks at her former best friend once again. 

Octavia was still staring at her curiously, obviously ignoring everything she and Lincoln were talking about. As well as the still ringing phone.

“Are you _fucking_ my brother?”

“Octavia!” Lincoln raises his voice but just barely.

“What the hell?” Clarke exclaims, starting to get angry at this whole thing. 

Who was she to come here and act like she had the right to judge her? Just as she was about to tell her that what’s going in her life is none of her business the phone stopped ringing and the voicemail turned on.

 _“Hey Clarke”_ all of them froze when they heard Miller’s voice coming from the machine _”I guess you’re still at work so I’ll leave you a message.”_ Clarke swallows hard but doesn’t move, she won’t talk to Miller in front of Octavia of all people _”I just wanted to let you know Bellamy’s all done with the guard shifts, but he was exhausted so he’s sleeping right now. He’s all good though, I’ll take care of him. Your package came by this morning. Thanks for all the cookies and the sweet stuff you send as well as the bandages, that was really smart of you, we could use them. I gave him your letter too, but I don’t know if he had the time to read it. When he gets back on his feet, I’ll make sure he calls you.Talk soon and take care of my boy Monty.”_

The beep that followed could cut the tension in the room like a knife. Clarke slowly turned her head towards Octavia and swallowed hard.

“What the hell is going on with my brother?” she takes a step forward after finally placing the box she was carrying on the floor ”What does Miller mean he was exhausted?”

“I didn’t think you care” Clarke finally bit back because she was tired by her behavior ”It’s a good think there are still people out there who give a shit about him even when his own sister doesn’t.” she turns around, getting ready to leave, she won’t stay here and fight her. They’ve already been there done that last week.

“Clarke” she calls out again ”What the hell happened?”

“What happened” Clarke turns back only to almost crash into Octavia who’s come closer ”Is that after your fight last week, he got himself drunk and started a fight which got him a punishment.”

“Maybe he deserved it” Octavia responded after she crossed her arms over her chest and stared at Clarke, her eyes empty of any emotion. Clarke shook her head, refusing to believe that she could be such an asshole about her own brother.

“I’ll see you around, Octavia” she just said as she decided to finally take off and not look back but her friend’s voice stopped her for the second time today.

“You think you know everything, but you don’t” there was this anger in her that seemed to echo in everything she did ”My brother only joined the army because he was trying to atone for the mistakes he did after our mother died. He’s not a saint, he’s a fool.”

“What do you mean?” she furrowed her eyebrows confused and Octavia just smiled victoriously, happy that she made her question his brother.

“Why don’t you ask Murphy how he met my brother. It’s an interesting story.” she leaned down and picked up the box she left on the floor, indicating that she’s done with the conversation and achieved her goal.

Clarke left the place lost in thoughts and by the time she came back home, she wasn’t even that sleepy or tired anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clarke has just come home after the longest shift she’s had this week and she tiredly tossed her (Bellamy’s) jacket on the couch alongside her phone and bag as she headed to the fridge to grab some water-she easily forgot to eat or even stay hydrated when she spent 10 hours in surgery. 

It was a regular night, a night she would spent alone just because she was dead tired and would pass out in about twenty minutes, a night in which her friends were either working or catching up with their loved ones. 

And she was alone. 

She tried not to think too much about this but since things with Octavia went wrong, she couldn’t help but feel like although she had all the delinquents by her side whenever she needed them, they had their own lives-Murphy was always busy with JJ, Monty was hanging out with Jasper (when he wasn’t hanging out with Maya) and Raven…well she had some secret admirer at work for whom she hasn’t talked yet, but yeah…she wasn’t by herself either.

She grabbed the fridge handle but stopped as something caught her attention for the second time this week. 

Octavia has glued this photo of all of them there with a crappy pineapple magnet and she caught herself staring at a picture of Miller, Bellamy, Octavia, Monty, Murphy, Raven and even herself at the airport. 

It was taken by Jasper, the last time the boys came home and they went to get them. Bellamy and Miller were still in their uniforms, smiling tiredly because they were jet lagged. The funny thing about it, was that one of Bellamy’s arms was hung around his sister and the other…around Clarke. 

She very vividly remembers how awkward she felt that it happened like this, it was accidental, she had somehow found herself just a few feet away from them, giving Octavia the time to hug her brother but when Jasper yelled for a picture, Bellamy has wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer.

_“Nowhere to run now, princess” he had whispered in her ear and she had slapped his arm annoyed, trying to free herself from his grip. She really wasn’t up for a picture, not after having spent the day at the hospital and not getting the time to shower. She has been trying to avoid the photo but Jasper was relentless. So was Bellamy._

_“You are insufferable” she had told him._

_“Why thank you. Yet I came home alive” he adds and she notices Octavia shivering at this. He still had this big tight bandage around his head that he tried to cover with his hat. She knew he’s gotten himself pretty hurt and felt bad for being an asshole to him now ”Much for your dismay I am sure.”_

_“Shut up, Blake.” she has huffed as she made the mental note to maybe check his medical file if he brought it with him and get to know his condition. He still seemed pretty fucked up-his eyes were a bit dizzy and his skin felt hot to the touch. She knew, because she only wore a t-shirt and his hand, currently wrapping her body to his, was burning._

_“You’re not getting rid of me that easy, princess” he had joked back then just before Jasper yelled for them to look at the camera._

She almost jumped from the sound of her phone ringing, snapping right out of it and rushing back to the living room. It could’ve been ringing for a while but she was just so lost in thoughts, she hasn’t even heard it. She saw an unknown number and was about to ignore it when she remembered the last time someone called like that, it was Miller.

Her heart stopped just for a second as she slid her thumb across the screen and pressed the phone to her ear.

“Hello?” she said and she couldn’t recognize her own voice. God, she was tired.

“Hello” his voice made her cover her mouth. 

It’s been about five days since Miller left. He has called her to tell her Bellamy was fine but needed some time to get back on track and that everything’s fine. Bellamy himself, though, has made no effort to get in touch with her. Quite honestly, she was starting to lose hope she could pull him back

”Clarke, do you hear me?” it was loud around him, it felt like he was moving, but there were so many voices yelling, it made her press the phone closer to her ear.

“Bellamy” she said his name relieved. He was calling. God, he was finally calling ”Hey” she added weakly and heard him open up some door and moving inside, probably to a quieter place because the voices suddenly disappeared.

“Sorry, it’s always a bit louder here when people head to lunch” he explains, his voice sounds hoarse, tired, but it was his voice and she couldn’t have been happier ”I jumped in the rover now, you should be able to hear me better.”

“I hear you just fine” she promises as she settles down on the couch. She expects and awkward silence to settle but he keeps talking which surprises her.

“I’m sorry for calling this late, I guess you just came back home from work, Murphy said you had a long shift.” so he talked with Murphy before he called her. 

“It’s fine” she smiles at the thought of him checking her schedule before doing anything ”How are you doing? Are you better? Miller said you had it hard.”

“I’m all good” of course he would say that ”Just needed a couple of days to catch up on my sleep and get my shit together” he won’t mention to her how bad it really was, he won’t tell her about the nightmares or the bleeding feet. He didn’t think it mattered ”Also…I needed some time to think” he stumbles with his words ”After I read your letter.”

“Oh yeah?” she asks after a few seconds of silence, she knew she had to be careful with her words, but to get a response out of him, she also had to push him. 

That way, he was a bit like Raven, maybe that’s why they understood each other so good

”And what did your stubborn ass come up with” she asks a bit boldly now ”Are you ready to stop with the self-sacrificing bullshit?”

“You made some decent points” he mumbles as if a bit embarrassed and she can imagine his lopsided smile.

“I meant everything I said, Bell” she says gently ”You don’t have to do this on your own, I can’t get why are you so bent on pushing everyone away-Miller, Murphy, me and-” she takes a deep breath ”I get it, I get that you want to-”

“No, no, it’s just that” he was good with words, but why he was lacking them now he had no idea ”I…can’t explain it.”

“Try” she asks gently again ”Please.”

“When I’m out here” he begins and it’s clear he is thinking of what to say and how to explain himself because he takes his time but she waits patiently ”when we are on a mission, I’m a soldier, that’s all I am, Clarke. I am not someone’s brother, I am not someone’s friend-I am a guy with a rifle, I guy who sometimes kills, a guy fighting for something way bigger than him. I’m…I’m no one.”

“Okay” she plays with the hem of her shirt.

“But outside of it, I am still no one right now” she furrows her eyebrows ”Because my sister…she doesn’t really want to have anything to do with me anymore” she senses the sadness in his voice ”And my friends…they are better off without me.”

“That’s not true.” she opposes him violently, straightening herself up on the couch as if he was right there with her and she was ready to fight him.

“Clarke-” he pleads.

“No. That’s not true, Bellamy.” she raises her voice in a desperate attempt to make him understand ”WE are not better off without you. We need you, I need you and I know you can be an asshole half the time but you keep everyone here together-you know what they need, you are always there when Jasper has one of his bad moments and feels like he doesn’t want to live anymore, you’re there when Murphy needs help with JJ, you practically raised the kid with him and Raven? Her stubborn ass won’t listen to any of us but you. And they all care about you so much. You can’t push everyone away just because you think you’ll hurt them.”

“I’m pushing them away, because I am not a good person. You know Octavia” he sighs and she can imagine him rubbing his forehead ”Octavia has a point, she has a reason to be mad at me and it’s not just about the Army.”

“Does this have anything to do with how you and Murphy met?” she asks and he goes silent for a second ”The last time we talked she told me to ask you about it.”

“That’s a story for another time, Clarke, trust me” he just mumbles clearly not feeling up to talk about this.

“Okay” she agrees, she won’t pressure hiм ”Let’s just make a deal then-let’s just…agree to keep talking, emailing, alright. Don’t pull back, Bell. Please, just don’t.”

“Why do you care so much, Clarke?-he asks but not in a mean way, he just wants to know, he’s genuinely curious, just like the first time they talked ”I am not worth that.”

“I care, because I feel like you are on a suicide mission” she admits and his breath gets stuck in his throat ”Whatever you’re doing, you’re always making sure you save everyone else before you save yourself and you get yourself hurt in the process but that’s not even the worst thing-it’s like you don’t care about it, Bell. You don’t care about dying and that’s just…wrong.”

“Clarke, I-” he tries but she interrupts him.

”I don’t know if something changed along the way while you were there, if it’s because of all the death and blood you saw or if you signed up feeling like this to begin with. I don’t know what happened before that but I don’t care because I know what’s happening right now. And it’s wrong.” she knows she’s right about it or he would’ve been violently disagreeing right now.

“I don’t want to kill myself if that’s what you’re implying” he says barely above a whisper.

“But you don’t care if you die either.” his silence gives her the answer she expected ”And it’s not like I am trying to fix you or anything, I just feel that you could use somebody. So…just take my deal, okay?” there’s a long pause in which he says nothing ”Bellamy? You there?”

“Alright, princess” his voice sounds heavy with feelings unexpressed, unsaid ”Let’s see how it goes then.”

They talk some more, actually a lot more, so by the time he has to leave because Miller’s been calling him for a while to grab lunch, it’s almost an hour. She hangs up unwillingly and think about the person Bellamy Blake really is and how little she knew him up until now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s just another regular day for Clarke-she can’t even say she’s that tired even though she’s been through two surgeries since her shift started. She had six more hours to go but currently she was dragging her just a bit sleepy self to the coffee room, hoping to grab a cup of the drink that always saved her ass and maybe even something to eat (she has promised Bellamy, she’ll try to take better care of herself). 

“Hey, Clarke” Murphy greets her once she makes it in-the room is empty apart from him and she relaxes-she liked being around Murphy, having someone to talk to ”Rough shift?” he hands her a cup of coffee that she supposes he just poured for himself but gladly gives to her-there’s enough to go around. 

It still warms her heart that he thinks of her first, it was such a Bellamy thing to do that she wondered if maybe he was the one who instructed Murphy in the first place to keep an eye on her.

“Not really, no, I just need to catch up on my sleep these days” she leans on the counter.

“Let me guess-the midnight talks with Bellamy are tiring you up, huh?” he winks, suggesting that he knows what’s up and she huffs pretending to be annoyed.

“Jeez, Murphy, please cut it off” she doesn’t have the strength to fight him right now and she pretends to ignore him as she takes a sip from her coffee.

“I will” his serious voice startles her and she turns to meet his eyes” Because I know it’s not me that’s keeping him afloat-it’s you” he smiles gently as he puts his hand on her shoulder. 

She nods and clears her throat, feeling a little bit awkward cause Murphy smiling and being all emotional is something she’s not very much used to unless she was watching him play with his son.

“Guys” they both turn around a bit surprised by the sudden intrusion when they see Maya, who’s hair is all messed up, trying to catch her breath while leaning on the door ”You need to come, there’s been an accident, I need your help” she explains and Clarke leaves her cup on the counter as she takes a few steps towards her.

“I am supposed to get in surgery with Cage in about an hour, isn’t there anyone else who can give a hand?” she tries explaining while Maya shakes her head impatiently.

“It’s not that” she waves her hand, urging him to follow her down the hallway ”It’s your friend, Octavia.”


	6. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you guys for reading and taking the time to leave me a comment. This chapter lacks letters for...obvious reasons but it's also longer than the others just because I didn't want to cut things in half. It took me a lot of time to write all this so I would appreciate your comments on it. I expect of you to yell at me after this one but I hope you also understand why it had to be the way it is.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr- broodybellamys.tumblr.com to personally kick my ass.

Clarke stops dead in her tracks and she feels Murphy bump into her from behind. He puts his hand on her shoulders to steady her, because for a minute she does lose her balance. 

She can’t even process most of what Maya is saying-head trauma, internal bleeding, they are about to get her into surgery-and before she knows what’s happening, she’s running to the room where Maya said they could find her only to see Cage-their boss already treating her.

Her lips escaped Octavia’s name without her even realizing it.

“You know her?” Cage asked and she nodded as she looked at the monitor, checking her vitals ”Vie” he turned to Maya ”I guess you’re gonna assist me then.”

“No, please, I need to be in that operating room” Clarke begged and instinctivelly grabbed Octavia’s hand ”I can do it, please” she begged him. 

He was an asshole most the time and treated them as if they were not interns but minions. Still, he was a pretty good doctor, if Clarke had to trust someone with her friend it would be him.

“I don’t think so, Griffin” he cut her off as he motioned to Maya again ”Prep her.”

“Doctor Wallace, please” Clarke stood in his way ”I think I’ve shown you so far that I can be a professional when I have to.” he looked at her obviously estimating whether or not he could rely on her

”If you let me in, I promise I’ll do the shittiest stuff for the next two weeks, just…just please.” he sighed, she knew that she was his favorite intern, though he rarely appraised her publicly. There was hesitation in his eyes.

“Fine” he sighed, giving in and for the first time in forever she felt like she could hug the man. There was no way anyone could stop her from being in there with her friend. She would turn the entire hospital upside down if she had to ”But if I you screw up, you won’t get anywhere near an operating room for a month, you got it, Griffin?” she nodded and barked a few more orders before he headed to the second floor, getting ready for the surgery himself.

Clarke became her doctor self after that, she did everything mechanically, checking Octavia and preparing her for what was to come. She knew things weren’t looking that good right now, her condition was serious but damn her if she was going to give up on Octavia. 

A little bit before they were about to head out Murphy appeared on the doorway. For a minute he seemed so taken aback to see Octavia just laying lifelessly there and he admired Clarke for her ability to separate herself from her feelings and be the doctor she had to be.

“I talked to Lincoln” he briefs her in, talking fast, he knew they had to time ”He’s got a broken arm and a light concussion but he’s fine.”

“What even happened?” she asked as Maya and her began wheeling Octavia down the hall, towards the elevator.

“Some drunk idiot crashed into them. He obviously didn’t see the stop sign. It wasn’t their fault” Clarke takes a deep breath, trying to make sense of it all. 

This shouldn’t be happening to them. Even if Octavia was acting like a total asshole, she knew her-she was her friend, the first person to reach out to her when she moved into this goddamn city, a radiant girl who was also a hurricane-unstoppable and unpredictable, but also compassionate and always willing to help-she didn’t deserve this, she was still so young. 

And Bellamy? What the hell were they going to tell Bellamy?

”I’m going to have to call Bell” Murphy said as if reading her thoughts ”I don’t know if he can find a way to come home or not but I have to tell him.” her mind took her back to their last conversation. He was so broken at the time. This would completely ruin him, she knew that, but there was no way to hide it. 

“Okay, just…” she wasn’t sure what to say, they had no time, they were already in the elevator.

She lacked the words-did she want Murphy to tell Bellamy that everything will be alright? How could she promise such a thing? Octavia was bad, she had no idea what would happen on the operating table and she sure as hell didn’t want to lie to him.

“I’ve got it, Clarke, don’t worry” Murphy saw her hesitation ”Go save her life.” he disappeared behind the elevator’s doors and she looked down at the unconscious girl on the bed. Before she got her in the operating room she leaned down and whispered in her ear ”You better not pull any stunts right now, O. We need you, Bellamy needs you.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six hours later she emerges from this goddamn hell and heads down the hallway only to find Monty, Jasper and Raven sitting next to each other in the waiting room. 

They all jump when they see her and start asking questions right away-she does her best to explain what happened-Octavia suffered a pretty bad head trauma, had some internal bleeding but they managed to fix it. They had to take out her spleen but she would live just fine without it and the broken leg and ribs would heel with time. She was still not completely out of the woods but they would move her to a room if her vitals are fine by tomorrow.

“Where’s Murphy?” she asks after they hand her a coffee they grabbed for her (god, she loves them) and settles down next to them.

“He’s picking Bellamy from the airport early tomorrow” Raven explains and by the look on her face it seems like the older Blake definitely didn’t take the news good ”He begged Jaha for a furlough and he agreed to give him three days.”

“It’s not enough” Monty commented as he pushes some of the snack he was holding in Clarke’s hands and she tries to fight him but he doesn’t pay any attention to her ”He’s going nuts.”

“Damn right he’s going nuts, it’s his sister” Jasper added ”She might’ve been a bit off lately, but she’s also our friend and we’re going crazy, I can’t imagine what it is for him.”

“I should call Murphy” Clarke picks her phone ”Update him on her condition so he could tell Bellamy.”

“He’s probably already on the way, I doubt anyone can get in touch with him” Raven shook her head sadly but Clarke still dialed Murphy’s number because if anyone knew how bad Bellamy Blake was, it was him.

Turned out, as Murphy said, Bellamy did indeed go out of his mind but managed to get his shit together and called back two hours later, telling Murphy he’s figured out to get a furlough. 

It seemed they have just came home from a mission, because he sounded tired to which Clarke wanted to say that lately, he always sounds tired. She wished she could go pick him up with Murphy but he told her it’s better if she stayed there so when they come she could update him on Octavia and she agreed. She wasn’t going to leave her friend even if they tried to drag her out of the hospital.

She send the delinquents home, told them there was nothing they could do now and they promised to be back tomorrow, urged her to get some food into her and at least take a nap. 

She wanted to listen to them, but her mind was loud and it refused to let her rest-she spent some time with Lincoln, who was mad out of his mind and blamed himself, even though it wasn’t his fault and after he fell asleep, she got back to pacing in front of Octavia’s room, checking up on her every hour despite Maya’s promises that she’s got it. 

She seemed to be doing fine and early in the morning Clarke finally slipped in a chair in the hallway and her exhaustion took the best of her. She dreamed of telling Bellamy Octavia’s dead and woke up from someone shaking her harshly only to find Maya trying to get her up because Murphy was obviously here, together with some soldier.

She jumped off her seat and practically ran down the hallway, taking a sharp right turn only to find Murphy and Bellamy a few feet away from her. 

She stopped abruptly and looked at them-they didn’t notice her right away, Murphy was holding some paperwork and was obviously trying to explain something to his friend but Bellamy briefly looked up and she thought that for second he won’t recognize her-she knew she had a hard time recognizing him-but he did and stopped too, causing Murphy who was trying to keep up with his fast pace, to crash into him. 

Her breath got stuck in her throat-he seemed so different from the last time she saw him-he was still in his uniform, which caused some people passing by, looking at him curiously, but that’s not what caught her attention-he seemed to have lost weight, his face has lost it’s boyish charm, his expression was tired and serious, the dark circles under his eyes were way bigger than hers, he seemed a bit pale, causing his freckles to stand out, his hair, which was cut short was still somehow sicking under his hat, making her smile.

“Bellamy!” she had no idea what she was doing, her legs moved without her really realizing and she threw herself in his embrace hugging him tightly. 

She felt him hesitate for a bit, obviously because he was surprised by her reaction but just a few seconds later she felt his strong arms wrap her up. She breathed him in-he smelled like gunpowder, cigarettes which made her furrow her eyebrows, and sand, but he was here. 

He was alive and she was hugging him.

“Hey, Princess” he whispered in her ear and she felt him smile even if for a brief moment. She was reluctant to let him go but she was also very much aware of the fact that he needed to see his sister.

“Never thought I’d see this” Murphy joked lightly once they separated, but Bellamy ignored him, instead taking a good look at her, as if estimating how she is. 

He wasn’t the only one doing so-she made a mental note to make him let her check him out later-his face had a few bruises and cuts on it which seemed kind of fresh but were obviously cleaned up so she decided to pick the subject again when things settled down.

“Can I see her?” he asked, his voice breaking a little and she nods as she starts leading him down to Octavia’s room while updating him on her condition. 

When she told him that his sister has survived the night and passed through the worse she felt him tense, probably because he was blaming himself for not being there for her through the worst of it. 

When they made it in, he suddenly stopped, his eyes widened and filled with tears before she could assure him that everything was alright. Octavia was still sleeping, pretty much sedated by all the painkillers they’ve given her but it was true that she looked still weak and very pale. 

It knocked the air out of him, how much she has changed, how different she looked…how vulnerable. It’s been over seven months since he was home, since he last saw her and their fight from the night before he left wasn’t something he liked to recall.

She felt someone intertwining their hand with his and it took him a few seconds to realize it was Clarke. She tightened her grip and tried to give him a small reassuring smile.

“She’ll be alright” she promises and he suddenly remembers he has to breathe. He nods and clears his throat as he sits down on a chair next to her bed and carefully takes his sister’s hand in his while Clarke checks her vitals. 

“Murphy said it wasn’t their fault” he speaks quietly, though there was no way to wake her up ”The accident.”

“It wasn’t, it was some drunk driver, I think he was detained but I don’t know any details” she puts the folder hanging back on side of her bed ”They questioned Lincoln about it. He’s in a room downstairs, I am sure he can tell you more about it.” he shakes his head stubbornly.

“I’m not leaving her side” he refuses to even glance away ”I don’t have much time as it is, I already lost almost half a day just in traveling.”

“I’m glad you could come” she says sincerely, hiding away the fact that she wasn’t happy only because he was being here for his sister. She was happy he was here because she hadn’t even realized how much she wanted to see him.

“Me too, Princess” he looked so fucked up to her, so tired, she doubted he got any sleep at all since he found out, maybe even before that. His punishment ended only a week ago and it clear how much it took its toll on him.

“I should probably go get doctor Cage in case you have any other questions” she begins, deciding to give him some privacy but he suddenly looks away from Octavia, slightly furrowing his eyebrows.

“Do you have to?” he asks and suddenly feels too self-conscious about it, which made him blush slightly ”I mean…ugh, you already told me pretty much everything and I guess” she wanted to laugh at how innocent and unable Bellamy Blake was when it came to asking someone for help.

“I could stay too, if that’s what you want” she tries to make it easier for him and he clears his throat as he rubs the back of his neck still embarrassed.

“Well, I mean if you have stuff to do and like-”

“My shift ended last night” she explains with a smile as she pulls another chair and sits down next to him ”But I would never leave her, no matter what.” he nods as he stares down at his boots for a while and then back at Octavia.

“Thank you” he then says sincerely and looks at her, making her heart stop for a second-there was so much pain in his eyes ”Thank you for being here for her when I couldn’t.”

“Bellamy” she reaches out to cover his hand with hers and he doesn’t shiver, doesn’t push her away, the warmth of her fingers somehow gave him the reassurance that he was not alone ”Don’t tell me you’re blaming yourself for this one too.” she says seriously and he looks away ashamed.

”You have got to be kidding me!” she doesn’t raise her voice but she is a little pissed off ”None of this is your fault!”

“Let’s not talk about it” he suggests instead ”I haven’t been home in forever, tell me how everyone are really doing?” 

So she tells him all about Jasper and Monty and their endless game competitions, she explains how Raven’s been doing a bit better since he urged her to start the physical therapy, she talks about Murphy and how she caught him having sex with one of their bosses Emori in the call room last week. She manages to crack a smile out of him, but what really warms her heart is when he asks about her, really asks. He genuinely wants to know what’s going in her life an it makes her heart swell. He scolds her a bit for getting sick and refusing to get help and makes her promise she’ll never do that again. 

“What about you?” she finally gets to ask after she answered all his questions ”How are you holding up? For real.” she begs him to be honest.

“I’m fine.”

“The day you don’t say that the earth might probably stop spinning” he smiles and shakes his head but she won’t have it ”Seriously, Bell. Miller said the punishment was hard.”

“It was”he shrugs it off ”But I went through it.” he fails to mention how much effort it cost him to get back to his tent after it was all over ”We had a mission the other day.”

“Hence the cuts, I suppose?”

“Some of them are from the fight” he looks away clearly again feeling unsure whether or not he could talk about this with her. 

She puts her hand on his shoulder and even though he doesn’t pull back he winces and she once again makes the mental note to check him out later.

”I’m holding on, I promise, princess” he adds trying very hard to convince her it was alright. She stares in his eyes, trying to find out if he’s actually telling her the truth and since they were both so damn buried in having a silent confrontation about his problems they almost jumped when a loud groan escaped Octavia’s lips.

Both of them stood up and Clarke immediately got to her side, leaning down and checking her pupils with a flashlight.

“Cl…arke?” Octavia says her voice hoarse and barely audible.

“Welcome back” Clarke greets her once she’s sure everything with her is fine ”You’ve been in an accident” Bellamy is on the other side of the bed, watching them closely, afraid to step forward and take her hand back in his, knowing he might get rejected while Clarke explains shortly what happened to her and how hurt she really was “You might be a little lightheaded from all the drugs.”

“I think I am” she adds and looks in Bellamy’s direction ”Because I am actually seeing my brother next to the bed and there’s no way he’s here.”

“I’m here, O” he finally comes close again and takes her hand in his. She tightens her grip, surprisingly strong around his cold fingers ”I’m here” he can’t hold his tears now, he lets them go freely and the smile she gives him even throughout the pain makes his heart fill with hope. 

He gathers enough courage to lean down and wrap his arms around her as best as he can, she returns it even if a bit weakly but he is the happiest man alive to see her awake and responsive

”I’m home” he adds.

Clarke excuses herself and leaves them alone to catch up while Octavia still isn’t too tired. She gives them some time before she finds Cage, knowing that he has to check on Octavia and she watches them from the hallway. 

She sees them both cry and talk, Bellamy must’ve said sorry a thousand times though Clarke had no idea what he was apologizing for and Octavia definitely didn’t seem to be as pissed off as the last time she spoke to her. Clarke knew that things won’t change for a day, that she won’t suddenly be alright with him doing what he was doing but it was a good enough sign for her that she didn’t kick him off the room and started yelling at him. She needed her brother as much as pissed off she might be at him. A near-death experience definitely reminded you of that.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bellamy refused to leave her side that day and though all their friends tried to coax him into going to Murphy’s and getting a sleep and a shower ( _”You kind of stink, dude”_ Jasper had said before being tickled by Bellamy). It wasn’t until Raven pulled Clarke away from them all and convinced her to take him home, that they succeeded. 

An hour after midnight when Octavia has fallen back to sleep after Lincoln passed by (during which time Bellamy and Clarke waited in the hallway and she tried to convince him to stop huffing and groaning every five minutes just because Lincoln was in such a close proximity to his sister), they finally left. 

He agreed to go to her place since he refused to bother Murphy and JJ so late-his friend didn’t need to deal with a screaming-in-the-middle-of-the-night four-year-old who was too excited to see his _ucle Bell_ , plus he had his bag with him and everything he needed to change after a shower.

So on their way home they picked up some food since they knew well enough they were both too tired to cook, that or Clarke might set the kitchen on fire if she tried, and with their last remaining strength made it to her place.

He was exhausted, she had no idea when was the last time he had gotten some sleep but when he winced once again as he was putting his bag down, she urged him to go take a shower and come back so she can take a look at him. He protested loudly of course, claiming that he was all good and he doesn’t need any help but she wasn’t stupid and she wouldn’t get him off the hook.

“Seriously?” she scolds lightly when he comes back all clean and fresh but completely dressed too ”Get your ass over here and take that shirt off, you’re not going to fool me” she orders and he sighs as he makes his way to the couch and the coffee table where she had unpacked all the food. She had grabbed her medical kit while he was taking a shower and was full back in doctor mode.

“You know if you wanted to see me-”

“Oh, no, not that cheesy line, Blake, we both know you are better than this” she cuts him off again and a laugh escapes his lips. He settles down slowly, every movement requiring too much effort and carefully peels his shirt off.

When he does, she stops dead in her place and forgets about the bandages she was taking out of her bag-he gives her a sheepish look but her eyes are scanning his body and she tries to swallow down her tears and hide away from him how taken aback she really was. 

There were so many bruises and cuts all over his body, the biggest and most noticeable one was on his right side where his ribs were, there was a tight bandage on his arm too that has now gotten wet. 

He must’ve forgotten to take it off while he showered and she couldn’t blame him for it-he had too much going on. But besides all this, there were scars, old big scars-some of them, like the one on his bad shoulder, obviously from a bullet, but there was a long big mark a little down under his heart that clearly was a surgical incision. There were others too-smaller, cuts that must’ve been too deep that they had to be stitched, old bruises that were almost healed, but none of it was okay.

“Clarke?” he asks, raising his eyebrow confused ”Are you alright?”

“I’m fine” she says quietly as she settles down next to him ”But you obviously aren’t.” she glances back at the big bruise on his ribs, ignoring for a moment everything else. His dog tags hang loosely from his neck, hitting his chest whenever he moved a bit more abruptly.

“Oh, that’s from the fight” he explains and shrugs it off like it was nothing ”It’s okay, it’s almost healed up I think.” she’s angry that he’s taking everything so lightly but she won’t fight him. She starts unwrapping his old wet dirty bandage and reveals a deep cut there.

“That’s starting to get infected” she scolds but she doesn’t look up, she’s still so pissed off and he can see it in the way she moves, everything she does is filled with anger-she probably hated him and he would let her hate him, if it made her feel better, he could take it ”How did you even get this?”

“A bullet grazed me” he says the same way as before-like it was nothing, like if it had passed just a little bit to the left, it wouldn’t have hit his heart. He talked about being close to death like it was the most normal thing and she hated it ”Jackson told me to change the bandage but then I had to leave and I completely forgot about it” he excuses himself, hoping to tame her anger. 

He’s not successful though, she cleans it up and starts bandaging it with her eyebrows furrowed, cursing here and there under her nose, her movements sharp and angry.

“Hey, Clarke” he stops her, grabbing her hand,hoping she would look up so she could see he’s sorry, but she doesn’t so he has to gently move her chin up as well. He’s surprised to see tears in her eyes ”Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” they are so close to one another, their noses almost touching, he could feel her breath on his face.

“Nothing, I just…” she shakes her head and looks away ”It’s nothing.”

“I thought we were friends, princess” he says gently again, cupping her cheek and turning her face towards him ”What is it? Did I scare you? Does all this…do you want me to put my shirt back on so you don’t see it?” he asks, his voice breaking a little too.

“The scars don’t scare me” she promises as she puts her hand on his wrist. Feeling his strong pulse under her fingers makes calms her down. She had him here, with her. She didn’t have to wonder how he was doing or what was wrong half the time-he was right there with her and she could breathe easier

”What scares me is how you talk about it all, how you don’t pay attention to any of it.”

“Clarke” he leans even closer and smiles, she knows they have crossed a line with this conversation, she felt like they were about to cross another one and strangely she wasn’t scared ”I’m sorry” he whispers and she furrows her eyebrows.

“What could you possibly be-” 

She doesn’t get to finish her sentence because she feels his lips on hers and the strangest thing is that even though she’s a bit surprised, she responds right away. She pulls closer to him and his hand moves on the back of her neck-he wants to take her all in, to feel everything she did and so he kisses her-their worlds become one just like that, it was the most simple thing in his life, yet it felt so good. He wasn’t sure he deserved it, she herself, wasn’t sure if she deserved it either, but they melted into one another, let themselves freely explore each other’s bodies-her hands roamed freely all over his chest and back and he moved her with his strong grip on his lap. When they finally stopped, in a desperate need to catch their breaths, they remained close to one another.

“That’s what I’m apologizing for” he utters breathlessly.

“Well don’t” she chuckles and she leans down to kiss him again. 

They don’t really know how long they keep doing that-getting to know each other in a whole different way, but it’s fun and it makes their chests lighter and somehow even when they separate to take their breaths, they can’t wait too much, because they’re both aware that they don’t have much time to be around each other, that soon, very soon, he’ll be gone. 

“Bell” she stops him when it gets too heated between the two of them and she isn’t sure what’s about to happen, he pulls right away when he hears the way her voice sounds and she swears she can almost see fear in his eyes-he was wondering if he did something wrong.

”I love all this” she puts her arms on his shoulders and plays with the end of his short hair ”But…whatever it is that’s going on between us, I want to take it slow, okay?” she doesn’t want them to rush into sex just because he has to leave in less than a day, she wanted it to be real, because it felt like that and he saw all that in her eyes, she didn’t even need to say it.

“I agree, princess” he smiles and pulls back a little, deciding to give her some time to adjust but she chuckles.

“I didn’t say stop kissing me, Bell” he cocks his eyebrow and tickles her, making her squirm in his hands ”BELL!” he picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, she felt him pushing her close to his chest, like he wanted to be as physically close to her as possible. He carried her to bed and gently placed her down and then he kissed her and he kept kissing her until they couldn’t breath anymore and once they were done, he collapsed on the pillow next to her and pulled her close.

They didn’t fall asleep, even though they were tired, instead her fingers started tracing his scars and bruises.

“Where did you got that one?” she asked for the bullet wound on his shoulder and he watched her hand carefully as it moved around, but he wasn’t tense or uncomfortable.

“I was shot during my first mission” he explains and smiles ”I was so dumb and inexperienced” she listens to him carefully and watches as he drifts back to that moment ”Jaha wanted to kick my ass that day for being such a stupid idiot and making people from our team risk their lives to get to me after I got shot. I just wanted to reach Jackson.”

“Your medic?” he nods.

“He was trapped in one of the rovers, couldn’t get out, they were shooting at us and I just..wanted to save him.”

“And this one?” she traces the long scar on his right side under his heart.

“That’s from last year” he swallows hard and his eyes get darker ”With the bomb and all” she didn’t know exactly what happened back then, but she was well aware that the scar on the right side of his head that he tried to hid under hats and helmets was also from that day ”We were…in a way ambushed you can say” he swallows hard, his breathing deepens.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” she hurries to assure him but he shakes his head and takes her hand in his, squeezing it hard-he wanted to and so she let him speak.

“They lured us into this place where they had planted bombs. We were with another team” he stares up at the ceiling ”they all died. We were lucky, Jaha figured something’s wrong and we started running back, but Miller tripped over something and he lacked behind, so I got back to pick him up. Once he was on his feet I just pushed him forward-he was in shock, a bit frozen-there were bombs exploding all around us. I started running too while staring ahead, making sure he was far before me and then…it just happened I guess” she pushes herself closer to him and he tightens his grip around her ”Something on my right blew up and I was tossed away. I don’t remember almost anything-the last thing I knew was Jaha and Miller screaming something at me but I couldn’t hear them and then I just blacked out.”

“I remember when they called your sister” she says and he looks down at her, he has never heard that side of the story ”I was with her, she was making dinner and the delinquents were about to come by. When they told her they weren’t sure if you’ll make it, that you’re in a comma she just…she collapsed on the floor.”

“I’m sorry, princess” he says sincerely ”I’m sorry you were dragged in all that.”

“Don’t be” she feels him kissing her head ”Even back then when we were stubborn asses fighting all the time, you were family, I worried about you.”

“I can’t believe it took us that long to get where we are” he smiles sadly and she smiles too, knowing far too well that he’s done talking about the war, the stories behind the other scars will be for another evening. And she was fine with that ”I never hated you, though” he adds ”I hope you know that.”

“I never hated you either.” she promises and they stay like this for a while, just hugged in each other, the light of the moon coming from the window,allowing her to take better look at his face.

”What are we gonna do now, Bell?” she asks and the blue ocean that is her eyes, fill with worry.

“Well, I am willing to try this if you are, princess” he says his thoughts out loud, unafraid ”We can take it slow.” she nods.

“One step at a time?” she asks and he smiles as he kisses her forehead.

“One step at a time, princess.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clarke woke up from the loud noise coming from the kitchen and with a groan she rolled on her back. It took her a few seconds to realize that Bellamy was no longer next to her and she suddenly opened her eyes, as if afraid he’d done something stupid and left her behind. The clock on the nightstand showed her it was almost noon and when she listened carefully to the noise that woke her up, she realized it was his voice talking loudly and explaining something. 

She smiled and closed her eyes as she took a deep breath-he hasn’t left, he wasn’t being a stupid asshole, he was just unable to rest when the sun was up. 

Clarke tried to remember what time they had gone to sleep to last night but couldn’t-she only knew they talked for a while and after he told her the story behind his scars, they remained like this, in silence, holding each other’s hands. At some point she must’ve passed out, but she had no idea if he had gotten any rest at all. 

She slowly dragged herself out of bed and put his shirt on since she shamefully hadn’t done the laundry this week. As she made her way towards the living room she finally realized who he was talking to, recognizing the voice coming from the lap top-it was Miller.

“We will be fine, it’s not like we have never been on a mission without you before” she heard him say as she finally got in and found Bellamy sitting on the couch with the computer on the coffee table. 

He wasn’t wearing a shirt and she found herself admiring his strong arms for a while. He hadn’t noticed her yet, he seemed to be too buried in his conversation and she didn’t want to interrupt them right away. She was about to surprise him and jump from behind when Miller’s words stopped her 

”By the way your re-enlistment papers came in this morning with the air mail.”

“Oh yeah?” Bellamy said, seemingly glad to hear that ”What does Jaha think? Am I approved?”

“Most probably, yes” Miller responded, obviously not very pleased with his friend’s choice.

Clarke couldn’t think. She was suddenly frozen, she couldn’t move, breathing proved to be a challenge for those few minutes while Bellamy continued talking to Miller, she had no idea what about, because the only thing going through her mind was that this can’t be true.

No…he wasn’t doing that.

“Bell” she finally called him and he turned around abruptly, quite disturbed by the sound of her voice. 

When he saw her face, he knew that she has heard everything they’ve been talking about. She didn’t move when he got up and closed the lap top, after promising Miller he’ll call him later. Her eyes were filled with tears and he carefully took a step forward until she rose her hand, silently begging him to stop

”You’re re-enlisting?” it escaped her lips like a whisper.

“Clarke, I-” he tried to explain himself and carefully took another step forward but she moved back. She didn’t want him to touch her, she was afraid if he did, she would break.

“Tell me you’re not doing that!” she begged him ”Please, please, tell me I misheard you.”

“You didn’t” he looks at his feet for a moment, escaping her judging glance ”I applied a month ago.”

“Why?” she asked, desperately trying to find a real reason behind his actions ”Bellamy, you almost died last year!”

“Clarke, this is my job” he hates explaining himself, but he has to, because he wants her to get the reasons behind his actions ”It’s what I do, it’s what I like doing. I thought of all people you would be able to understand that.”

“I do” he shook his head and she finally made the attempt to approach him, she wanted him to understand her too ”I just…I though that-” she thought she was changing his mind. 

It’s not like she expected him to give it all up, she wouldn’t want him to be unhappy, but she was scared…she was worried he was throwing himself out there just because he thought there’s nothing good for him out in the world.

But at the same time…after last night, she couldn’t help but feel betrayed. Feel angry.

”Were you going to tell me?” she asks, her voice changing, getting colder. He furrowed his eyebrows, his dog tags hung from his neck loosely, standing out from the bruises all over his body-she couldn’t take that, she couldn’t look at him that hurt.

“Of course I was.” he whispers ”Clarke, I’ve never lied to you.”

“Then what about last night?” a tear escapes her eye and she feels it roll down her cheek. Angrily, she brushes it away and doesn’t move when he makes another step forward.

“What about it? I meant everything I said.” he sounded so sincere, it made her look away and breathe in, in a desperate attempt to calm herself down. ”Please, try to understand me” he says when she doesn’t speak up right away. 

He begs of her, his voice breaks. They both do.

“It’s not that I don’t understand it Bellamy it’s just-” she looks at him, she owes him that ”I can’t do this when you’re not here-he clenches his jaw at this ”We can’t have a relationship when you’re 6000 miles away from home, when I don’t know where you are, what you’re doing!” she tries to explain herself now and when she approaches him, he doesn’t move.

”When I know you’re putting yourself before everyone else and getting hurt! Goddamn it, Bellamy, you don’t even tell us the truth when something’s wrong!” she puts her hands on his shoulders but he still doesn’t reach out in any way to her ”I can’t…I just…I don’t think that I can take it.”

“And last night you were willing to? But now something suddenly changed?” his voice might’ve been cold, but god, his eyes-his eyes were full of so much pain and she was doing this to him, she was fucking him up.

“Last night you told me you wanted to try this but I thought you’re coming home. I thought that after two tours you would-”

“I would what, Clarke?” he pushed back, her hands fell lifelessly to her body ”Do you get tired of practicing medicine after two years? Do you just like…give it up?”

“It’s not the same and you know it!” they were yelling at each other now, the pain finding it’s relief in loud voices and angry words ”You never told me you planned to make a career out of this! And then you come here and you kiss me and we talk and you say nothing about re-enlisting!”

“I’ve got two months left of this tour, Clarke!” he buries his hands in his hair ”I was going to come home, we would have time to be together.”

“And then you’ll go back!” she cries out ”You’ll go back and you will risk your life every day and I will be here, Bellamy! I will be waiting and not knowing where the fuck you are.” he closes his eyes and takes a sharp breath ”You don’t know what will happen to you, you can’t promise that you won’t get hurt, that you’ll come back to me.” he looks at her for a while after she’s done with all this, he looks at her and he realizes that he can’t ask of her to love him like this. 

He realizes that it’s wrong, that it will cause her more pain than good and he realizes…how selfish he’s been since last night. Selfish and stupidly bold to think that he can have something good in his life, that he can have her.

He wants to tell her that he’ll come home, he’ll always come home to her, but she’s right-he can’t promise that and he was wrong to mislead her last night, he should’ve never kissed her. And now he’s hurt her.

He managed to ruin the only thing nice he had going. He lost Clarke too.

“You know what” he says silently, calmly now ”You’re right, princess” he smiles sadly and she furrows her eyebrows, surprised by the change in his attitude ”I’m sorry” she sees the tears in his eyes ”For everything.”

“Bellamy” she watches him as he picks up his army jacket from the couch and glances at the bag near the door ”Bell, you don’t have to-”

“It’s okay, princess” he adds as he dresses himself as fast as he can ”Once again you are the smarter one out of the two of us” she follows him to the door. _Stop him!_ she tells herself, _Stop him, don’t let him go! Don’t let him leave like that._

”Maybe in another life, we could’ve be together” he grabs his bag and tosses it over his bad shoulder, as if he wanted to punish himself for being stupid ”Just not this one.” he grabs her face in his hands and leans down to gently kiss her forehead.

“Bell” the tears keep falling despite her trying to stop them. How come she’s so weak now when she just broke his heart? ”Bellamy, please.” she wasn’t even sure what she was begging him for.

“Remember what I told you, princess”he whispers and looks her in the eyes ”Be happy.” he means every word he says and she feels herself breaking apart more and more with every word he says ”Don’t rest until you find what you’re looking for. Don’t stop until you’re smiling every day just because. You deserve to have everything good in this world.” at that he lets her go and she watches him disappear behind the door. 

She wants to move, to follow him down the stairs, to hug him and tell him not to leave, but she doesn’t take a step forward.

Instead she collapses on her knees and cries her heart out.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Octavia wakes up to her brother watching her from the chair next to her bed. She knows he’s leaving later this evening and as she glances at the clock above the door, she realizes they have nothing but a few hours left.

“Hey, big brother” she greets him and he smiles, but something in his eyes is so deeply sad, it makes her unsettled.

“Hey, O” he leans down to kiss her forehead, she always liked him doing that, it gave her a sense of security and as much as she liked being independent, she loved her brother and she would always need him. 

She takes a good look at him-he’s dressed in a fresh uniform and he’s showered-his face isn’t dusty or bloody but the cuts there still stand out. She traces one of them with her thumb and furrows her eyebrows before he pushes back.

“You okay?”

“All good” he promises and takes her hand in his ”Gotta leave soon though.” she nods and she sees him looking away uncomfortably, there was something bothering him, it made him shift nervously in the bed after he settled down near her broken leg.

“You’ll be back soon enough” she tries to lighten it up a bit ”Just two months, right?” he nods and swallows hard and she can see right through him, she wasn’t stupid after all

”And then how long before you leave again?” he raises his head up and stares at her surprised ”Really, Bell? You don’t think I know by now when you’re trying to tell me you’ve re-enlisted?”

“O, I know that you’re against all this but-”he tries explaining and she interrupts him.

“Yes, yes I am against it and yes I might not understand it, but I shouldn’t have acted like I did before. It wasn’t fair to you.” she admits ”I was just afraid of…getting hurt, of losing you and I thought that maybe you’ll give up and just come home, but it took me a while to get that this is not my choice to make-it’s your life and you should live it as you want.” he nods and squeezes her hand.

“Thank you.” he adds, his voice barely above a whisper. 

He knows she’ll still be pissed off at him, that she’ll be annoyed every time he comes home and then has to leave, that he’ll cause her pain especially during the holidays when he’s not here with her, that she’ll cry for not being able to hug her brother. And he’ll know she’ll have every right to do this, to be mad, to rage at the world and him. 

“When did you get so smart?”

“Oh I don’t know”she grants him a wicked smile ”Maybe while you were too busy checking out Clarke Griffin.” he doesn’t smile back and something tells her the reason for his foul mood isn’t just because he’s leaving or is too tired ”Hey, what happened, Bell?”

“Nothing” he of course refuses to tell her ”I’m fine, promise.”

“Come on, you know you can tell me” she pushes just a bit, knowing he rarely shares but needs to, otherwise he holds it all inside and lets it crush him.

“I do, but I just don’t want to talk about it now. Maybe some other time.” he promises hoping she doesn’t think he’s pushing her away. 

She nods and grabs his hand, pushing him to her bed and asking him to lay down next to her. When they were young, he would tell her stories, but now they just talk about life, he listens to her explain how she and Lincoln want to decorate the new apartment and he tells her about Miller being too funny when he’s drunk. 

They talk as if they are the only two people left in the world and by the time he has to leave, she’s barely holding back her tears. 

When he leaves, she buries her head in her pillow-now that he’s gone, she can allow herself to be weak.

Early in the morning Clarke wakes her up and she’s surprised when she realizes that her brother’s departure hadn’t ruined only her.

It had broken Clarke too.


	7. Roadtrips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you guys again for reading and leaving me such nice comments and suggestions. This chapter took me literally weeks to finish since college is kicking my ass and I tried to put a lot of effort on it. It's quite long but I hope the outcome was good. I assume for some of you it might be a disappointment but that's the way I've envisioned for things to go. Hope you enjoy it. Btw, there isn't too much left of the story.

Clarke slowly climbed the stairs to Monty’s appartment, gathering whatever strength she had left in her after a long night shift and a failed attempt to get some rest during the day. 

It’s been a month since Bellamy left and ever since, it was like something was preventing her from getting proper rest. She had convinced herself that as the days passed, she’ll find it easy to deal with the fact that she no longer has any idea about what’s going on in his life, that somehow one night was too little time for her to suddenly think she can’t go on without him, sleep peacefully, but the world kept proving her wrong. 

She honestly had no idea how he was doing. 

Every now and then she would ovehear Raven and Murphy talk about him, but they never mentioned him when she was there. She had told them something happened between them after he left and obviously so had he, because they didn’t push her for any specifics, they didn’t make her talk-they let her be and she could only assume that was his doing. 

He wanted them to leave her in peace and even though Octavia tried to pick the subject a few times, Clarke shut her down and her friend shrugged her shoulders-there wasn’t much she could do since she didn’t know what was wrong. 

Clarke felt like they avoided talking about Miller or Bellamy in general, as if afraid she might break and she couldn’t blame them. The first week after his departure had been hell for her-she barely got a few hours of sleep a day and Murphy had to cover for her at the end of her shift so she could sneak and get some rest in the call rooms. 

They didn’t comment on it, didn’t say a damn thing, but they still cared-Murphy brought her stuff to eat all the time and Raven made her go out on a few Friday nights even if Clarke was pretty sure she would prefer to spent them with her supposedly brand new girlfriend. 

They could see she wasn’t herself. Hell…even she could see it when she looked herself in the mirror, but that wasn’t what really bothered her.

It was the fact that she had no idea how he was doing. He hadn’t send her any emails and she was afraid that if she did, she would only bring him more pain. She found herself getting angry, cursing the war and everything that took him away from her until she realized, regretfully, that he was doing it all himself. It wasn’t anyone’s fault-it was his choice to keep going and she couldn’t blame him. 

She repeated their last conversation over and over in her head and every time she wished it had gone differently, that maybe they had talked more about it, but she knew there was no convincing him of dropping this and he was right-it was his job and he wouldn’t give it up just like she wouldn’t give up being a doctor.

“Yeah, yeah, let me write that down” she hears Monty’s voice when she finally enters his small flat. She wasn’t up for the movie night but they had made her come since she had raincheked every time they’ve asked her out in the past two weeks ”Oh, hey Clarke!” Monty greets her with his usual bright smile that made her heart warm.

“Clarke’s there?” she hears Miller’s voice coming from the phone on the table where Monty’s sitting, with a grocery list in hand and his lap top opened amongst other books-he must’ve been studying ”Hey, Clarke!”

“Hey, Miller, how is it going?” she greeted him warmly, it’s been a while since she heard him and her heart clenched at the thought of Bellamy maybe being somewhere near him.

“All good, giving Monty a list of all the stuff we need him to send with the next package.” he explains and she realizes how tired he sounded. She wondered if Bellamy was tired too? Maybe he was sleeping even there now in their tent, or listening at least ”How’s work?”

“Oh you know, same old same old” she brushed it away as she placed the packages she was carrying on the plot ”What do you guys need? Can we cook you something up?”

“Sorry, Clarke but you and cooking…”Monty interrupts ”No offence, I’ll ask Raven to make the cookies this time. You want cookies right?” he turns back to the phone talking as if his boyfriend was right in front of him.

“Hey, I’m not that bad!” she slapped Monty’s shoulder and he pretended to be seriously hurt.

“Sorry, Clarke, you kind of are” Miller apologizes ”And yes, we want cookies. I’ll take anything really, Blake eats everything sweet when he wakes up at night and I rarely get my handss on those stuff lately.” she furrows her eyebrows at that information, glad that Miller wasn’t afraid to say his best friend’s name out loud like the rest of the delinquents were, lately.

“Why does he wake at night?” she asks before she can stop herself and Monty throws her a worried look but hurries to bury his head back at the grocery list.

“Oh, well he couldn’t sleep so he would get up and train for the boxing game” Miller sounds a little nervous now that he explains it but obviously Bellamy isn’t there if he was speaking so freely about it.

“What happened with that? You promised to send me pictures” Monty interrupted as he leaned back on the chair and stretched his arms. Clearly, Clarke wasn’t the only one exhausted after the awful work day.

“Well he won actually and I already send you stuff this afternoon, check your email. Just…don’t tell Octaiva you know how she is about fighting and all that” he warns and Monty nods seriously as if MIller could see him while he logs in his mail and opens up Miller’s photos.

“What was that…boxing game again?” Clarke asks trying to sound casual but she’s not. 

She wants to know everything there is about him, how he’s doing, if he’s fine and why if Miller was there and obviously had enough free time to send emails, Bellamy wasn’t. Even if they could never be anything else, they were still friends and she cared about him. She didn’t want to suddenly cut him off her life completely and she knew better than anyone that he needed someone.

“We have those stuff every now and then, it’s mostly just for fun and to boost the spirits as Jaha likes to say” Miller explains just as Monty opens the first photo and she finds herself staring at the screen only to see Bellamy being raised on Miller’s and some other guy’s shoulder, sweaty and a little bloody but smiling tiredly and waving his hands victoriously. 

He didn’t look that much different from when she was saw him with the exception that there was a darker shade of brown in his eyes that she noticed that made her shiver-he was plagued by demons and the dark circles surrounding him were only another evidence of that. 

His smile was fake that’s for sure, it looked to her as if he didn’t care what he has just won.

”Since Bell is one hell of a fighter he always participates and we cheer him up and feel bad about the fact that we can never be as good as him” Miller adds. Since when was Bellamy a boxer was the only thing going on her mind. God, there were so many things about him she didn’t know.

“You guys look great” Monty praised as he looked through the rest of the pictures, Clarke peaking behind his shoulder, hoping he wasn’t noticing her strange behavior. She saw them all smiling, hugging Bellamy and each other, but they were rather dark and she couldn’t take a better look at his face like on the first one she saw ”Did you celebrate?”

“Something like it, he won a bottle of Jack and we drank all in our tent.” he explains and Clarke’s look lingers a bit longer on the last photo which was just Miller with his arms throw over a very sweaty Bellamy with their fists raised in the air and bright boyish, even if a bit tired, smiles ”He needed that win so I’m glad he got it.”

“By the way where is he?” Monty asks the question Clarke has been dying to get the answer to ever since she realized Bellamy is not in the same room with Miller.

“He’s probably out there fixing our-oh, speak of the devil” he suddenly interrupts himself and they hear movement.

“Shit, sorry, I didn’t know you were talking to someone.” they heard Bellamy’s hoarse deep voice and when Clarke heard him, she stopped, forgetting for a moment about the bags of chips she was about to put on the cupboard above the fridge. 

Something pulled her back to the table where Monty was sitting, her throat was dry, her eyes stared at the phone as if she could somehow make him physically appear right before her.

She had never realized how much she needed to just hear his voice. 

Monty threw her a worried look and she managed a tight smile, promising silently that everything’s okay, even though Monty could see how pale her face suddenly went, how her hand shook a little when she placed the bags on the table and gripped the old wooden chair with her white hands.

“It’s okay, it’s just Monty and Clarke” Miller explained and she wished she could see his face when their friend mentioned her name.

Was he surprised? Was he scared? Did he suddenly want to run away from her, overthrown by the memories of their last conversation.

“Oh” she heard him again, this time he was obviously closer to the phone cause she could make his voice better ”Hey guys, how are you doing?” she swallowed hard as she closed her eyes and tried to gather her shit together. 

She knew that after he got back there, he’s been pulling away from all their friends. Octavia was the only person he still talked to, almost every day, but she had caught Murphy complain to Raven that he’s been avoiding talking to him which made him believe he was hiding something while according to Raven, he was probably closing himself off because he was “an idiot who refuses to let people help him.”

“We’re fine, we’re having a movie night and Clarke just passed by with all the groceries” Monty explains when Clarke takes too long to answer.

“You drew the short stick again, huh, princess?” he asks with the most casual voice but she senses something nostalgic, sad in his voice, something that wasn’t there when they last talked. It’s like his sense of belonging to them broke and he was talking as if he was observing them all from afar. 

At least that’s what she made out of all this. Maybe she was overthinking it.

“I just preferred to do this on my own otherwise I was certain Jasper will forget the pop corn and it will result in a never-ending world war three” she jokes back, trying to sound lightly. If he was going to be friendly, so was she. 

“Can’t let that happen now, can we?” she hears his teasing voice and imagines his lopsided smirk, which warms her heart.

“We’re talking about what Monty should send with the next package” Miller interrupts ”Any preferences, Bell?”

“Just some socks, otherwise I’m all good.”

“Socks?” Monty asks surprised.

“He keeps losing them” Miller explains and Clarke imagines him shaking his hand off, trying to say ‘leave it be, it’s a long story’ and then turns to Bellamy ”What are you looking for?” they can hear Bellamy obviously moving stuff around and Clarke settles down on the chair next to Monty cause she’s not sure if she can keep standing like that.

“Where did we leave the extra ammo again? I gotta leave in five and I just-”

“It’s under Riley’s old bed” Miller points him to the place and clears his throat after mentioning their dead friend. Bellamy finds them soon after while an awkward waiting silence settles between Clarke and Monty who feel like they shouldn’t be listening to the guys talking but want to know what’s up too.

“Thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow” Bellamy obviously gets ready to leave ”Bye, you guys and don’t let Jasper eat too much sweet, you know how he gets when he does” Clarke’s stomach warms at this. 

God, even if he was avoiding them, he still thought about them, cared about what happened to each and every one of them. She remembered how happy Jasper was when he saw him in the hospital. He threw his arms around him and started blabbing, unable to catch his breath as he explained everything that happened when they found out about Octavia after which he switched to other subjects, refusing to shut up and leave his side, sitting next to him at all time and talking, just talking to the best friend he had in the world.

“Be safe” Miller yelled as he left and after he was gone Clarke and Monty exchanged worried glances.

“Where’s he going?” Clarke asks silently, as if afraid he might still hear her.

“Oh, he has a night shift” something in Miller’s voice obviously tips Monty off because he furrows his eyebrows.

“Nate, I love you, but I always know when you lie” Miller goes strangely silent on the other end and they hear him sigh ”Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, he’s just being send off on a mission.”

“And you’re not going?” Clarke asks surprised, whenever Bellamy went, Miller always followed, they were a team, they should be together when they’re given an assignment.

“It’s…a quite dangerous one. Jaha sends him off with the sappers while they defuse old hidden bombs in god knows what unknown neighborhood in town.” he explains, carefully picking his words so as not to freak them out ”They need backup while they deal with them in case someone attacks and since Bellamy is our best shooter and has already been on a few of those missions, Jaha trusts him to go there and come back in one piece.”

“Can’t he like…I don’t know, ask for another assignment?” Monty asks before Clarke can manage to form a sentence, she’s just too worried trying to imagine him in the middle of nowhere guarding people whose one wrong movement could send them all blowing up in the air.

“That’s the thing” Clarke imagines Miller running his hand through his hair. It’s what he did when he was worried ”He doesn’t want to be reassigned.”

That knocks the air out of Clarke and when she meets Monty’s eyes, he can see the tears there. She looks away as if embarrassed and leaves him alone in the kitchen, so she can take some fresh air out on the balcony. 

She doesn’t know how long they talk or what happens after that, but he doesn’t bother her and she stays there curled up on the floor, staring through the metal bars as the sun set, stroking the roofs of the buildings under her, saying its last goodbye with this part of town for the day.

She didn’t realize at first that she was crying, she just stared ahead and thought of him and where he was right now. 

She tried to imagine him, but all that came to mind was the last time he held her in his arms and told her the stories of his scars, stories that now seemed awfully scary to her, made her wonder how many more blows his body will take before he gives up punishing himself.

Why was he punishing himself in the first place?

She remained like this lost in thoughts until someone opened the door and almost scared the shit out of her until she realized it was Murphy.

“Hey” he silently greeted her and without asking her permission, slipped down on the warm floor next to her. He stayed like this for a while, just staring ahead with her, not bothering or asking why she was crying. Clarke was pretty sure they probably all knew already

”I heard you talked to the biggest pain in my ass” he gently nudged her with his elbow. She smiled faintly and shook her head, still refusing to look at him ”Hey, Clarke” he rarely called her by her first name, she knew if he did, he was being serious and not his usual sarcastic self ”Please, talk to me.” he begged of her. Murphy rarely begged, he must’ve been desperate ”Tell me what happened.”

“What happened” she slowly chuckled to herself, she was such a fool ”What happened is, I feel in love with him, Murphy” she admits, because she honestly has been carrying this alone for a month and she felt like suffocating. 

She felt like…she couldn’t handle it anymore.

”I fell in love with the biggest self-sacrificing stubborn idiot on earth” she smiles as she remembers their first kiss, his scarred body ”We kissed and then we talked and then I found out he wants to re-enlist.” a tear escaped her eye and she brushed it away angrily, but she couldn’t help herself, she couldn’t stop, so she just buried her face in her knees, trying to hide away her weakness from Murphy but instead he slides her arm over her weak shoulders in a desperate attempt to shelter her from the world.

”And we fought because I couldn’t be with him and have no idea what’s going on while he’s there, but here’s the worst part” she raises her head and meets his brown eyes that are equally full of sadness as hers ”I thought it will go away, I thought I could…get over it, but it’s only worse now. I thought-”she covers her mouth with her hand as she tries to swallow down her cry.

“Hey, hey” Murphy pulls her to his chest and rubs her shoulders ”It’s okay.”

“But I just-”she keeps trying to explain, because she wants to pour it all out, because it fucking hurts and she’s pushed them away as much as Bellamy has for the past month, thinking she could do this alone ”Murphy, I can’t” she shakes her head and he nods ”And he’s out there doing stupid things and fighting on his own and refusing to talk to anyone and I want to understand what’s going on but I don’t.”

“You can’t” he smiles sadly and she looks up, surprised by his words ”In order for you to understand it, you have to know what has happened to him.”

“Does this have anything to do with how you two met?” she asks barely audible and he nods as he moves his gaze away and stares somewhere far before him. 

She gives him the time to gather whatever strength he needs and when he clears his throat, she gets ready to listen.

“You know Bellamy’s mom died when he was sixteen?” he adds and she nods as she pulls away a little from his embrace so she can see his face, but his arm still remains wrapped around her so she knows she’s not alone.

”He and Octavia, they were sent off to an aunt who, however, already had four kids of her own and couldn’t really give them more than a crappy cold basement room and a cold supper here and there” Clarke’s never heard Octavia tell that story, the only thing she knew was that their mother died when they were young but that was about it.

”Bellamy, who was used to taking care of his sister, just kept doing so but it was hard, you know? Finding a job while you were still at school was tough, he was struggling, feeling like he was failing and that if someone found out their aunt is not taking proper care of them, they could end up in foster care. That was until he met Anya…and well eventually me.”

“Who’s Anya?” Clarke asks, her eyebrows furrowing. She has the feeling that she’s heard the name before, maybe from Octavia or Murphy.

”She…well, it’s complicated” he struggled to explain but she patiently waited ”She was part of this sort of gang that had dirty business all over town, some of which included underground fights. One day she saw Bellamy beating the crap out of some kid in a parking lot behind a diner and she suggested he’d start fighting for her.”

“And you were part of that too?” she asks surprised at that new piece of information. She’s never thought of Murphy or Bellamy as gangsters. But he nods confirming her thoughts.

“The first time he fought” he smiles at the memory ”it was against me.”

“Who won?” Murphy laughs at this and looks down at his shoes.

“Neither. He wasn’t trained but he just wouldn’t give up and I was a bit hungover, so I wasn’t exactly myself. At the end, Anya had to physically separate us but after that we became buddies.”

“So you fought for her?” he nods.

“That and we would sometimes do errands for her, she would send us off to beat someone who owed her money and we tried not to feel bad while doing it because it was mostly old rich fat men who kind of deserved it, but Bellamy still hated it, yet he was trapped. He needed the money so he could feed Octavia and himself. She wasn’t too happy when she found out about it, she actually hated it and even though she was more or less a child entering her teen-era back then, they fought about it. A lot.”

“So what happened? Something went wrong, didn’t it?”

“It did” he confirms ”We were a part of all this for about two years until one night Anya send us off to beat some man who hadn’t paid for the drugs she sold him. Bellamy was being, as she liked to say, stubborn lately. He didn’t want to beat people up just because she said so, the fights were one thing, but this was getting out of hand. She was using us for her dirty work.”

“So you didn’t beat the man up, I take it?” she tries to guess and he swallows hard.

“Turned out-it wasn’t a man at all, it was a fifteen year old kid who’s gotten himself in a mess he hadn’t even supposed could be the end of him. Bellamy couldn’t do it, the kid was skinny and it begged so bad so we just decided to kind of scare him and make him leave town.”

“I take it, it didn’t work out?” she sees tears in his eyes then and he looks away for a moment, trying to get his shit together cause John Murphy doesn’t cry. She puts her hand on his knee and squeezes it tightly.

“Not really. Anya found out about it and she decided to punish us-she called us to this storage place where we were supposed to have a fight later that night, but instead two of her people beat the crap out of us.” Clarke keeps her eyes on him as much as she hates to see him go through that again ”Then after that, they drag the kid through the door and Anya shoots him right in front of us. Told us, if we had done what were supposed to, he might’ve lived. She wanted to teach us a lesson.” his voice is emotionless but she knows Murphy quite good by now, he was trying to hide away all the pain he was feeling. 

“So what did you do?”

“What do you think?” he asks and briefly looks at her ”We ran away. We couldn’t keep going like that. We realized what a mess we’ve gotten ourselves into and there was no other way but to get the hell out of there.”

“But what about Octavia?” she asks confused and Murphy throws her a knowing look, he knows she’s smart enough to figure it out on her own, especially after Octavia’s recent behavior.

“He had no choice” Murphy says sadly ”He had to leave her there, we were literally homeless. For months after that we slept at friends, distant relatives, anyone who would take us, sometimes even outside, he couldn’t take her with him.”

“So she never forgave him” Clarke nods, realization settling in the air around her. It all made sense now-he had left her once then and then again when he joined the army.

”I think what she really could never get over was the fact that he did this to himself, you know? She thought he got in this mess and it was all his fault-it was stupid, reckless and resulted in them being separated.” Murphy probably repeats what Bellamy has once told him, she can basically imagine the older Blake blaming himself for it all.

“But he did it for her!” she protests and Murphy smiles sadly.

“He did, but it doesn’t change anything.”

“And then he joined the army?” Murphy nods and goes back to staring at the night city that now is so goddamn beautiful, Clarke wishes she could get lost in it.

“We got jobs, construction mostly, because it’s what we were best at. Part time bartending too” she tries to imagine how hard it must’ve been for them ”Six months later, I was with a kid on the way and he has finally succeeded in taking Octavia home with us. But it wasn’t enough, we kept struggling, no matter how hard we tried, either he or I would get fired or they would tell us they just can’t keep us anymore. We barely made ends meet-rent was a pain in our ass, whatever Bellamy bought or cooked her gave to Octavia, lying that he’s already eaten at work or some such bullshit and I had a kid on the way, I had no idea what to do. Still…we kept on like this for over a year and a half until he did it.” he ran his hand through his messy sticky hair and his eyes filled with tears once again ”I don’t know how he got the idea, I’ve never even heard him mentioning it before, but one day we came home and he dropped the bomb on us.”

“You and your girlfriend?”

“No, me and Octavia. It was a bit after JJ was born and I had just lost her, it was one of the darkest periods of my life. I had picked up Octavia from school and we found him home, JJ in his hands, mumbling stories in his ears as he tried to get him to fall asleep. I knew something was wrong in the way he looked at me-I always figured out when he did stupid stuff.”

“I assume you were both mad?” he nods

“I went out of my mind, Octavia raged of course” he leans back on the wall as the memories play right before him ”And he just let us yell at him as he kept repeating it’s all done, he’s signed everything and he’s leaving for boot camp in two weeks.” he sighs and looks her in the eyes.

”But he didn’t join just for Octavia, he joined because of me and JJ too. He knew I didn’t have enough, that I struggle and I still do. He sends a check every month” Clarke’s jaw hangs a little, that part shouldn’t have been a surprise considering who Bellamy is, but still, she can’t believe she never figured this out. 

She knew he gives Octavia money, that she needs them because even though she’s dropped out of college, she still didn’t have a stable job and he knew what that’s like. But she had no idea he was helping Murphy out too.

They stayed like this for a while, the silence and the evening darkness consuming everything around them. Murphy was still tense next to her, she could feel it has been hard for him to tell her all this, to go through it again but he had, because he knew she needed to hear it.

“I don’t know what happened between you two” he continues after a while, they can hear the others watching the movie from inside, but thankfully no one had interrupted them. Murphy must’ve warned them before he came out here and Clarke was more than grateful

”And I’m not going to mess in your business, but I’m also not gonna lie to you” she looks him in the eyes, she has a hard time making out his face, but she can sense the sadness ”I don’t think he’s been doing that great since he went back.” she bites her lip at this ”And quite honestly, it’s tough for me to keep him afloat lately, to…talk to him even.”

“What do you want me to do?” she asks not in a mean way, she really just wants to genuinely know but Murphy shrugs

“I won’t force you to do anything, I can’t” he smiles ”It’s not what he would want and it’s not what I would do. I’m just telling you, because I know you care about him.” she nods, he was letting her decide for herself if she wanted to talk to him and try to be friends with him after everything that happened between them or not and she appreciated it.

She leaned her head on his shoulder and she finally felt him relax a bit too, but they spent most of the night drowning in thoughts about a man who was too far away from home and who at that very moment was standing on patrol, guarding his fellow comrades in the middle of the night, surrounded by nothing by darkness as he stared at the sky and wondered what a girl with a blond hair must be doing back home.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

They’ve all been patiently waiting for half an hour on the airport now, Jasper and Raven holding big posters saying WELCOME HOME while Monty kept pacing up and down, asking every staff member that passed by, why there was a delay and where the hell was the damn plane. 

Murphy threw Clarke worried glances every now and then when JJ wasn’t asking him questions or trying to play with him, and she knew he was worried about her. She was worried about Bellamy. And how he would react to seeing her here.

A month passed by too fast for her to even realize it and she hated it. She hated it because no matter how many times she sat down and tried to email him, she failed. It always seemed either too stupid for her and she deleted it or she couldn’t make herself even start-she didn’t know where to even begin. 

Raven caught her struggling late one evening when she passed by to leave her some leftovers “because you’re not eating enough again” and they talked. Her friend suggested that she waits to see him in person, that maybe it would be easier to say what she wanted to and Clarke agreed, though she wasn’t sure about it.

No matter how she tried to distract herself though, the fact remained that she felt guilty, for Bellamy was all alone out there, not knowing that she still cared about him, that she wants to help.

The plane finally boarded and quickly the lobby filled with soldiers, still dressed in their uniforms, carrying big heavy brown bags on one shoulder, running and smiling as they finally reunited with their loved ones.

But their friends were nowhere to be found and Monty was about to freak out when they finally saw Miller enter the glass doors-he was the last person and Clarke’s heart skipped a beat.

Where was Bellamy?

The tired expression on Miller’s face, the fake smile he tried to give Monty when he ran towards him and they reunited after months of being away from each other, didn’t fool Clarke-something was wrong. The delinquents quickly gathered around them, Jasper showering Miller with questions right away.

“What happened? Where’s Bellamy?” Miller finally unhooked himself from Monty, but kept his arm around his boyfriend as he turned to them.

“He was on a mission and for some reason they got delayed so he missed the plane” he explains, god he looked like he hasn’t slept in ages ”I think he’ll have to catch the next one tomorrow.”

“But is he hurt?” Clarke can’t help herself but ask and relaxes just a bit when Miller shakes his head and Octavia throws her a curious look.

“No, no, Jaha just told me something happened to their rover and they got stuck for hours. I’m sure he’s mad about it, but” he shrugged ”He’ll probably try to call you from Germany” he tells Octavia ”Before they board the flight home, but he’s fine.” Octavia hugs him briefly, a little awkwardly and whispers thank yous in his ear while Clarke’s mind drifts to her friend. 

She wouldn’t be here to welcome him, she has to work the next two days because she picked extra shifts, since Cage didn’t skip reminding her, she owed him for letting her participate in Octavia’s surgery.

They all go home that night and have a party for Miller, deciding that they’ll just make another one for when Bell comes home, but her mind is not there with them and she excuses herself earlier that evening, saying that she had to get rest if she wanted to be herself tomorrow. She doesn’t have the opportunity to talk to Miller, ask him about Bellamy, because Monty literally doesn’t let him out of his sight and she wouldn’t want to spoil their fun either way.

So she goes to work the next day and she buries herself in it so bad, she loses any track of time, her phone is off, somewhere in the locker rooms and she forgets about it, not even sure if it has any battery left. She sleeps once throughout the long shift and after she wakes up, she heads to surgery with Cage. 

She only remembers that maybe, _oh damn_ , maybe, Bellamy could be back when she heads to the coffee room and sees the sun shining through the window. She remembers her phone and a few minutes after she grabs it, she gets a text from Murphy, telling her he’s parking outside the hospital and has to talk to her.

She furrows her eyebrows, because he shouldn’t even be here, it’s his day off and heads down the hallway to the waiting room when he intercepts her way.

“Clarke!”

“Murphy! What the hell are you doing here?” she asks as she sees him trying to catch his breath, sweat dripping down his forehead, he must’ve been in a rush ”Are you alright? Is it JJ?” she loves the kid too much not to worry about him.

“It’s Bellamy” he explains as he tries to calm himself down and puts his hand on her arm, pushing her away from the middle of the hallway when a nurse passes by pushing a stretcher ”Octavia and I picked him up from the airport last night.

”He’s home?” she asks, suddenly hope filling her entire being. He was here, he was finally here. Murphy nods, but he doesn’t seem too happy so she furrows her eyebrows.

“He was so tired, exhausted basically so I just took him home, but he hasn’t been able to sleep at all last night and when he tried to get up in the morning he kind of collapsed in my hands.”

“What?” she raises her voice without even realizing it and he waves his hand up in an attempt to calm her down.

“He admitted there was some kind of explosion and he was thrown away, so I assume he has a concussion, but that’s why I brought him here so you can-”

“Where is he?” she starts walking down the hall, without even letting Murphy finish and he curses as he catches up with her.

“Okay, Clarke, calm down.”

“I’m perfectly call” she huffs as if annoyed at Murphy’s remarks and he raises his eyebrow at her.

“You don’t look like it at all” he mumbles under his nose as he grabs her wrist and takes a turn to the left only so they could enter a smaller hallway, leading to the back waiting room ”Octavia doesn’t know, he didn’t want to worry her.”

“Of course he didn’t” she shakes her head as she finally catches sight of him. 

He’s sitting on one of the chairs, JJ in his lap, looking curiously at his uncle Bell as he talks to him. He’s dressed in civilian clothes and she briefly catches a sight of his face only to curse under her nose angrily. This had to stop happening to him.

“Bell” Murphy calls him and both JJ and Bellamy look up. 

When his eyes fall on Clarke he swallows hard and tenses, he seems really self-conscious all of a sudden and she notices him tense. They stare at each other for a whole minute without saying anything, looking at each other, trying to estimate exactly how screwed up they both were right now.

“Welcome home” she finally greets him and he grants her the warmest, most genuine smile which made her heart skip a beat.

“Auntie Clarke!” JJ jumps from his lap and runs to her, hugging her legs tightly. She kneels down to give him a kiss on the cheek and he giggles as he wraps his tiny arms around her.

”Ucle Bell’s hurt, will you fix him?” he asks her and Clarke smiles as she throws Bellamy another look only to find that he’s been observing them carefully. God, he looked so tired.

“Of course I will.” she promises ”And then you have to help me convince him to listen to everything I tell him to do, okay?” JJ looks seriously and then turns to his father and uncle, raising his finger at him as if he wanted to scold him in his sweet childish way.

“Listen to her!” he threatens and Bellamy chuckles ”Or dad won’t let you play with me and I know you want to play with me.”

“Alright, buddy, I’ll listen to her” she hears his voice for the first time today and after Clarke let’s JJ go, he hugs him one last time and Murphy promises to come pick him later.

“Fix him for the dinner tonight, will you?” he asks of her as he picks his son.

“Dinner?” she looks confused.

“He doesn’t want a party so we settled on a nice quiet dinner with everyone else.Apparently, he’s too old for that stuff.” Murphy huffs and rolls his eyes.

“Murphy, I’m right here, I can hear you” Bellamy protests but Murphy ignores him and says their goodbyes, leaving them alone in the waiting room. Bellamy sheepishly looks up at her and she realizes how pale and tired his face looks.

“Let me guess” she interrupts him as he opens his mind and she just knows what he has to say ”You’re about to tell me you’re fine, that it’s nothing and Murphy shouldn’t have brought you here.” he chuckles lightly at that and shakes his head.

“Good to see you haven’t changed, princess.”

“Neither did you, Blake” she nods at him ”Come on, let’s check that thick head of yours.”

“It’s not thick” he protests but when he stands up, he staggers and she grabs his hand right away, steadying him. 

Worry washes over her face, alongside anger and he feels it in the way she tightens her grip around him, so he decides not to piss her anymore that she already is and lets her take him down the hall to an empty room. 

She helps him sit on the bed and notices how hard it is for him to do simple movements, it was like his whole body was on fire. She flashes a light in his eyes and does s basic check up on him only to realize that yes, Murphy’s right, he has a light concussion but beyond all that-he was extremely exhausted and dehydrated, his blood pressure is too low and every thing she asked him to do required strength he currently didn’t posses, so she pushes him down the bed and hooks him up to an IV.

“How long has it been since you last got rest?” she asks and he notices the anger still flashing in her eyes.

“I slept on the plane yesterday” he mumbles when she grabs a bottle of water and helps him move his head up so he can drink.

“I meant decent, long, at least eight hour sleep, Bellamy” she scolds lightly as she proceeds on filling a syringe with some kind of medicine he hoped would knock him out.

“I don’t know” he tries to remember but his mind is such a mess ”Maybe a few days before we left. I’ve always been insomniac, ever since I was a kid so…it happens often.” he admits the last part as if he’s ashamed of himself and looks away from her.

“Well Murphy was right” she explains with a tired voice, he wonders how long she’s been here for ”You do have a concussion, your body is exhausted and you need rest, so I’ll put you out and wake you up to check on you in a few hours okay?”

“Thanks, princess.” he says and he really means it. He watches her roll up his sleeve and clean the spot on his arm with the cotton before injecting him with the drug ”You doing alright?”

“I’m fine” she cuts him off, without looking him in the eye, god she was still mad. At what? The war? The universe? Him?

“Yeah?” he asks in disbelief ”How long has it been since you got any rest?”

“It’s my job you know” she doesn’t know where he’s going with this but she disagrees ”It requires working long hours.”

“So does mine” she shakes her head as she rolls his sleeve down and pulls the blanket up his body. He needed someone to take care of him, since he was obviously so bad at doing it himself.

“Get rest” she tells him and he lets himself close his eyes.

The last thing he feels is her squeezing his hand tightly before letting go. He wants to ask her to stay, to admit that he doesn’t want to be alone, that he’s tired of it, but instead he lets the darkness consume him so he could forget about feeling like that, without knowing that she pulled a chair and sat by his side for an hour before resuming back to her work. 

There was no way she would leave him alone.

When she comes back a few hours later, she notices his t-shirt is a little sweated, but she wakes him up and asks him a bunch of questions to check if he knows where he is and what’s happening to him.

He doesn’t seem to be getting worse, on the contrary, his pulse steadies and his blood pressure goes up after she makes him eat a chocolate bar and drink more water.

If it wasn’t for the demons plaguing his eyes, she would say he was doing quite well, but then again when she returns another three hours later she finds him mumbling something under his nose and tossing his head left and right. His shirt is soaked this time and the disjointed moves his body makes, tell her he’s having a nightmare.

She shakes his shoulder and calls his name, realizing too late that this is not the first time he wakes like this today-hurt and with tears in his eyes, dragging away the remains of the horrors he’s just been dreaming about to the present. His breaths are short and rapid and it takes him a second to realize where he is and what’s going on.

“Hey, it’s fine, just a nightmare” she says as she holds his hand and his head falls back on the pillow while he tries to catch some air ”You’re okay.” she promises, though she knows she’s lying and judging by the look on his face, he’s not getting better any time soon.

”You will be fine” she insists after she helps him get some water and sits on the bed next to him.

“Thanks, princess” he mumbles barely audible as he still struggles to breathe normally.

“Hey” she rubs his shoulder gently ”Go back to sleep.”

“I can’t” he admits and for the first time since she saw him today, she realizes he’s being completely honest with her.

That was Bellamy Blake as he was-no bad boy facades, no empty promises of being fine, no hiding behinds masks that said he was invincible and perfectly good with carrying the world on his shoulder-this was him, a broken soldier, who felt like he was all alone in the world.

”Too many demons.” he adds and she swallows down her tears.

“Well, you’re a fighter” she states the obvious, knowing how much he needed to hear it ”Don’t let them haunt you.”

“They don’t just haunt me, princess” he responds silently ”They try to drown me.” his revelation leaves her shaken and she doesn’t know what to say. Before she knows it, he’s back to falling asleep despite thinking he wouldn’t and she stays there by his side, completely and utterly defeated.

An hour before the dinner has to take place, she drives him home. He’s silent, doesn’t speak much and falls asleep in the car. He’s just that exhausted. When they arrive and they find Murphy setting the table while JJ watched cartoons, Bellamy tries to help but Murphy just kicks him off to his room and promises to wake him before everyone arrive.

“He alright?” he asks Clarke when they are the only two people left and her look lingers at the already closed door of his room.

She nods, offering Murphy a promising smile.

“He will be. Just make sure he gets enough rest and eats more.”

“Will do” he hands her the salad ”Are you alright?” her head snaps at this and she swallows hard. Murphy is the only person who knew how she felt about Bellamy and he seemed genuinely concerned about her.

“All good” she promises and he squeezes her arm in a supporting way.

“For the record” he adds as he clears his throat ”He scared the shit out of me when I picked him up from the airport, so I’m sorry if I freaked you out when I brought him today. I had no idea what else to do and I knew he would listen to you” she looks at him surprised at his last comment.

Since she’s lacking words, she decides to just remain silent, give Murphy a light nod and continue helping him with dinner. 

He doesn’t pick up the subject anymore, but his comment keeps bugging her for the rest of the evening. 

When their friends come, Bellamy pulls his most convincing game and if Clarke hadn’t known he spent the day in a hospital bed trying to get rest because he had a concussion and was exhausted, she would’ve just told herself that he looks a bit jetlagged and nothing else was wrong. 

She _hated_ it, how convincing he was when he lied to them all, how he laughed and hugged them and pretended like everything was right in his life when in reality he had spent home a sleepless night and woke up from nightmares every three hours. 

He noticed that she avoided his look, that she was strangely silent throughout the dinner except for when she grabbed his wrist before they sat down and reminded him to go easy on the alcohol since she practically drugged him to knock him out today.

He nodded and again, as with everything else, pretended-taking small sips of his beer here and there so as not to make anyone suspicious, give them any ideas that something could be wrong.

She was pissed but she tried to hide it. If he was good enough at pretending nothing was wrong then so was she, but it didn’t mean she didn’t hate it.

She was happy to see Octavia’s smile-the girl was beaming, sitting next to her brother, happy to have him home, Jasper was on his other side blabbing all the time. Raven and he kept their friendly banter and JJ would jump in his lap every now and then making her heart clench.

When they were done and most of the delinquents had gone home, she helped out Murphy in the kitchen, but JJ got tired and he had to put him down so Bellamy came by the sink and they worked together in silence.

“I never properly thanked you for today, princess.” he says as she passes a plate for him to dry.

“Nothing to thank me for, Bellamy” her voice is a bit harsh, angry and she doesn’t want it to be this way but then again she can’t really help it ”It’s my job.”

“I didn’t mean only that” she throws him a curious look before burying her hands back in the sink ”Thank you for still treating me as your friend even after…the way we parted. It means a lot.”

“Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean we still can’t be friends, Bellamy.” she comments as she hands him a wine glass and he looks at her confused at the way she’s acting ”Though clearly you don’t believe so.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember how you promised to keep writing to me? To keep talking?” she refuses to look up ”Didn’t follow up on that one, Blake.” he stops suddenly, places the glass down and grabs her hand which is wet and soapy. 

“I thought it’s clear why I didn’t do it, princess” he says gently but his eyebrows are furrowed, he wishes she could understand him ”I wouldn’t want to hurt you anymore. I think we can boh agree that I did enough damage the last time I was here.”

“So you were again sacrificing your own self so someone else can be alright?” she bites back, raising her voice just a bit ”Of course you were.”

“You’re angry” he states the obvious as she pushes herself away from him and the kitchen and cleans her hands in the towel, getting ready to leave. She wasn’t sure how much of this she could take 

”Why?” he asks as he grabs her wrists and turns her back. Her eyes are burning with a light he only saw when she was beyond pissed off but she still refused to answer ”For the record, you didn’t write either, princess.” at that she takes a slow step back. He was right. He didn’t reach out but neither did she ”And I’m not holding it against you.”

She shook her head and crossed her arms on her chest-everything was so…wrong, so damn complicated. She wishes it would just stop being so hard to breathe around him, to get pissed off at him, to worry about why he’s doing so bad, to stop blushing every time he touched her, but she can’t.

Her eyes well with tears and when his hand lands on her shoulder she doesn’t look up.

“For fuck’s sakes, princess, talk to me” he begs of her and she finally looks up, letting a tear roll down her eye ”Please. Tell me what to do, I don’t want to see you like this. Do you want me to go? I can leave you be if it will” she shakes her head harsh and takes his hand in his.

“There’s nothing you can do” she admits and stares in his eyes, they’re so close to one another ”God, Bellamy I just-”

“I hurt you” he says instead and she snaps her head at this only to see his eyes well up too ”Shit, I hurt you so much, I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not hurt” she bites back even though the tears rolling down her cheeks say the opposite ”I’m fucking mad, Bellamy!” she admits and he drops his hands away from her, afraid he’s only making things worse, but he listens to her closely ”I’m just so angry, do you understand?” she says, begging him to just look into her eyes and see for himself ”At this stupid war for taking you away, at you for continuing to pretend like everything’s absolutely alright, at _myself_ ” she almost cries the last part out ”for being unable to fucking stop falling in love with you!” at that his mouth opens in surprise, his eyes go wide and he freezes. They remain like this staring at each other for a few minutes, their breathing, the only indication for any life in this goddamn kitchen.

“You’re falling in love with me?” he breaths it out so afraid that he’ll break something around them. Break _her_. Even though he realizes that out of the two of them, she’s definitely the stronger one. 

She swallows hard and looks away for a moment before her eyes fall back on his.

“I thought you knew that” she admits and he shakes his head, still completely shocked.

He’s been shot at, thrown away by bombs, shaken by demons every night, plagued by memories he tried so desperately to escape and yet nothing….nothing blew him away like she just did.

“Well…I definitely didn’t, princess” he takes a step forward and she doesn’t pull back.

Instead, she takes a step forward. In this moment she doesn’t care about the fact that he has re-enlisted, that he’ll go back there, that he’s risking his life because he loves his family more than anything else. She doesn’t care that he pretends like he’s perfectly fine or that he’s a stubborn asshole who never listens to what she has to say.

No, she doesn’t.

All she cares about is all the ways in which he says “I love you” to the people that he cares about. Like when he holds JJ in his arms and whispers stories in his ears so he can fall asleep, even though he is exhausted, or holding his sister’s hand and helping her get up because her leg is still unstable after the accident or pulling Jasper aside to talk to him on the balcony because he knows he’s been having a rough time this month. 

She cares about the man he is. She cares about all of him. And being a soldier? That was part of him too. Going on tours, fighting, doing what he liked doing even if it ruined him, that was him too. How could she hate that? Or push it away?

He sees how many emotions pass through her all at once and he’s afraid to take a step forward, because he won’t hurt her again. He just won’t.

She smiles, though as she approaches him even further and takes his hands in his. He knows what she’ll do and he doesn’t want her to regret it later so he just gently squeezes her hands, stopping her for a moment.

“Wait” he whispers, he can feel her breath on his face ”Just a second, princess” he begs of her and she stops moving ”Are you doing what I think you’re doing?” his heart skips a beat.

“I’m about to kiss you if that’s fine by you, asshole” she mumbles with a foolish smile on her face reminding him of when he asked her the same thing just two months ago. God, he was so screwed.

“Perfectly fine” he smiles back ”I just wanted to check something with you” she looks at him expectantly ”I’m still going to leave, you know that right?”

“I do.”

“And you’re okay with that?” she nods as she steps on her toes and presses her lips to his, he smiles as he responds, deepening it and burying his hand in her hair-she smelled so good, but most importantly-she felt like home. She wrapped his legs around him and he held her with his strong arms.

“I’m okay” she mumbles out when they separate and she moves away the hair from his forehead ”I’ll be okay.”

“Good” he smiles back and leaves a peck on her nose ”Because for the record, I’m falling in love with you too.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

She traced the scar on his left side with her index finger as she leaned on his bare shoulder. He hummed but didn’t open his eyes, she knew he was a little ticklish but she was staring seriously at the thin long line. 

“Is it some kind of kink for you to do that, princess?” he asks and she moves up with his chest as he takes a deep breath. 

She smiles and looks up but he still doesn’t open his eyes, instead his finally relaxed face is half buried in her hair. She’s glad that he’s finally got some rest after the last few painful hours. 

They’ve lost themselves in the kiss after arguing in Murphy’s kitchen until he stumbled upon them, his jaw hung, his eyes wide as he realized what was really happening. For a few seconds all three of them stared at each other until he finally shrugged, mumbled something under his nose that sounded like “fucking finally”, waved his hand at them, suggesting that they can go back to whatever they were doing and retrieved back to his room.

Clarke had chuckled as she buried her face embarrassed in the crook of his neck as she listened to the steady beating of his heart.

“We should go at my place” she had suggested and he nodded, red creeping up his neck as well.

So that’s how they’ve ended up here, spread on her bed after a pretty…well eventful for both of them night. They fell asleep early in the morning but no less than an hour later he had woken up, not as violently as when in the hospital, though still enough to shake her too. 

She had put her hands on his cheeks and whispered promises of being here with him and never leaving his side until his breathing returned to normal and his eyes got back their boyish charming glow instead of the darkness and the pain that has consumed them.

Then they just remained like this, hugged in one another, losing any track of time. They’ve tried to get up, they really did, they’ve planned to make pancakes last night inbetween one of the many hot moments, but she knew he was tired and he hardly had the strength to get up-still so jetlagged and in need of recovery after coming home like this while she was no better-last night as great as it was, left her pretty exhausted.

“That one’s not from the war” she simply states, avoiding his light question and he opens his eyes as he looks down at her.

“It’s not” he admits and she nods, moving her head back down on his chest and continuing to trace it with his fingers. It seemed as if made with a knife and she couldn’t imagine how someone could dig a blade into his side like this, she couldn’t imagine the blood and the pain he must’ve felt.

“It’s from when you and Murphy fought for Anya, right?” she dares ask and feels him tense under her, but she doesn’t look at him, not wanting to make him feel any more uncomfortable ”He told me the story. I made him do it” she expects him to be mad or well at least a little angry, but after a few minutes of complete silence he finally lets a relieved breath out and relaxes a little bit into the bed, pulling her closer to him.

“It’s not something I’m proud of” he admits ”There are…many things I did wrong back then.”

“It was for a good reason” she finds his hand and squeezes it ”Your sister needed you.”

“I _left_ my sister” he says harshly, so desperate to punish himself and she finally moves up, raising herself on her elbow as she reaches out and moves away a strand of his forehead.

“You did what you had to” she states and he opens his mouth to protest but she just shakes his head ”You never left her, Bellamy. Whatever you did, you did for her. You went through hell so she could be fine.” he stares at the ceiling, because he disagrees with her yet doesn’t want to argue right now. She decides to let it go and places her head back on his chest. 

“I’m not a good person” he whispers after a while, both afraid that he’s saying it out loud and terrified that she’ll hear it and face it ”Back then, I was a monster, but when I joined the army” he sighs and brushes away a tear that falls down without him wanting it ”I saw it as a way to write my wrongs. It wasn’t just for the money or wanting to help Octavia and Murphy, I did it for me too.” he admits.

“And did it help?” he nods and gives her a light smile as she moves up, resting her chin on his chest so she can look at him.

“It gave me a sense of belonging, of family” he continues as he stares at the ceiling ”And when we were out there doing good things, really good and not just killing, it’s…something in me shifted” he explains as he struggles with words ”but in a good way this time.” she looks at his tired face, at his glossy eyes and messy hair and she thinks she finally understands why he was doing all this and why it meant so much for him. 

He liked being a soldier, he wasn’t just senselessly throwing himself out there, but there was also a part of him that believed he had to be punished for everything he’s done, a part of him that thought he doesn’t deserve anything good, that sacrificing himself for others is the only way for him to live with himself. 

And she hated that part as much as she loved the other.

After that she just moved up and kissed him, because she couldn’t believe how much she has grown to just feel love for Bellamy Blake in the span of a few months. He was a little surprised at first but then he indulged right away and she felt him smiling as they finally parted. 

“What was that for, princess?” he asks with his lopsided smile and she blushes as she goes back to lying on his chest as she shrugs refusing to give him a proper answer, because it feels like now is not that time.

He leaves it be, sensing that she doesn’t want to talk and instead buries his hand in her hair.

“How long before you have to leave?” she asks the inevitable and he stills for a moment.

“About a month” he explains and expects some angry reaction out of her but she just keeps drawing figures with her finger on his side, circling around his scars and simply thinking ”More or less, I have to talk to Jaha and get some paperwork done but that’s about it” she sits up and stares down at him with the most loving look.

“Then let’s make the best out of it” she suggest and he smiles as he moves up as well and kisses her.

So they do. They make the best out of it. 

They spent every day together, the evenings either by themselves or with their friends. Everyone seems to be absolutely okay with whatever’s happening between them, no one questions it, no one protests, moreover, it seems they were waiting for it to happen for some time now. 

Octavia is the only one who’s a bit wary of the whole situation but she doesn’t give either of them a hard time. Well…at least not for too long. Jasper is so excited for them that he trips over a pillow and almost twists his ankle while continuing to freak out at the same time, Monty squeezes Clarke’s shoulder and gives her a knowing smile while Miller whispers something in Bellamy’s ear that makes him slap his friend on the shoulder. Raven is the most chill of them all, saying that she saw it coming two years ago when the banter began but nobody believed her. Now she got to glow and mutter “I told you so” every five minutes. 

Clarke takes a week off from work and they decide to travel a bit down the East coast. It’s been a long while since either of them went anywhere just for the sake of it, just to have fun, to lose some of their shit along the way, to simply…live. 

And so they do, they live as best as they can-some nights they drink and stare at the stars, Clarke listening to Bellamy tell her the stories of the constellations until she falls asleep and he moves her to their crappy hotel bed. 

Other nights they drink, they dance, they laugh their lungs out. On occasions, they cry, Bellamy tortured by demons still often, though not as much as when he first came home, wakes up violently and wants to do nothing but lose himself-sometimes it wakes her up, other times, if she’s too tired it doesn’t and at dawn she finds him cuddled up in the corner of the bathroom, letting the cold water shake the demons out of him. 

“It’s the only thing that helps” he tells her “Well either that or a punching bag”. 

She takes her clothes off and gets in there with him, taking his face in her hand, burying her bony fingers in his hair, kissing him, not passionately, but rather just lovingly, calmly, so she could bring him back to her.

He tends to lose himself in his pain. Often she founds him drifting away to places unknown to her while they drive, his mind taking him back to the desert, to the bombs, the bullets the corpses.

One evening as they lay in bad after a particularly bad nightmare he’s had, he tells her that nobody warns you how much blood you’re actually going to see when you’re out there, how much death and she was the only person in the world who could get what he meant because she, too, saw many people die in her line of work. 

But she disagreed because it was different to try to save someone in a hospital and lose them despite the efforts you are pulling and watch so many people being shot and die without having the chance to save them because you’re in the middle of a battlefield.

“We all aim at the same enemy, princess” he tells her as he squeezes her hand “you fight death with a scalpel, I do so with a rifle.”

“But your enemy has a rifle too, Bell, mine doesn’t.”

“You know I like to live dangerously, princess” he chuckles and hugs her closer, but her heart leaps and she holds onto him tighter that night. 

Her favorite are the mornings when they’re too lazy to get up after making love all night. They leave lazy kisses on each other’s bodies, play with each other’s hairs or simple lay and talk-it’s everything for her, because it was filled with so much love and meaning.

As time starts pressuring them, she often finds herself looking at him and trying to memorize moments, situations-how he plays with JJ when they’re babysitting him, or how he hugs her sister whenever she comes by and takes her to the kitchen, helping her make dinner. 

Fooling around with Jasper and Monty is one of her favorite things because it makes him smile a lot while they play cards or video games-they grant him joy while Murphy gives him serenity and piece. 

They often go out, both of them, sometimes they play basketball on the playground in their neighborhood, sometimes she just catches them both grabbing a beer at three in the morning as they talk about everything they’ve been through.

And she tries very hard to remember it all. 

When the day comes that he has to leave, she’s still in many ways in denial, but she tries to hold on for him. He can see right through her, of course, they were so good at knowing what’s going on with the other. 

He takes his time saying goodbye to everyone, patiently, there’s no need for him to hurry. 

Jasper cries a little when they hug, but he brushes his tears away and clears his throat as he rubs his neck. Miller gives him advise, tells him to listen to Jaha and to remember to sleep. The others are really confused when they use their military language so at the end Monty interrupts them and so he can say his goodbye with Bellamy. 

Octavia is more or less a mess, but she is definitely holding up better than Clarke. She’s done this twice so far, she knows the drill. Doesn’t make it less painful though. 

Murphy is as always supportive, but he seems worried, too worried for his own good and when he hands him JJ one last time, he turns away because he can’t handle seeing his son and his godfather like this, not knowing if they’re saying goodbye or if they’ll see each other again. 

JJ blabs a lot, he’s not crying, but he’s not smiling either. For his fragile four years, he is surprisingly wise. He holds onto Bellamy the longest of them all and finally before they have to go, Bellamy whispers in his ear to take care of his father and Clarke. The kid promises and hugs him tighter than ever before.

When they’re all done, they leave outside to their cars, giving Clarke and him the space to say goodbye.

She doesn’t talk much, if at all. He just holds her in his arms and feels like the luckiest man alive to have her.

“You promised you’ll write” she reminds him as she huddles closer into him.

“I will” he assures her for the fifth time today ”And I’ll call every other day, I promise.”

“I’ll kiss Cage’s ass so he doesn’t give me night shifts.”

“Don’t kiss it too hard, I might get jealous.” he jokes in one desperate attempt to make her smile ”We’ll be okay, princess” he tells her reassuringly as he hugs her even tighter. 

When they finally separate they keep their hands in one another for a while and he looks into her eyes, seeing all the pain he’s causing her and wishing he wasn’t.

“You’re scared” he concludes and she wishes she could lie but she can’t, so instead she just turns her tears-stained face away and tries to compose herself.

“I am.” she admits and he grips her hands harder.

“That’s okay, princess.” he assures her ”I usually am too, every time I have to leave” he he leans close and kisses her forehead ”But want to know something? I’m not only scared this time…I’m terrified.” at that her head snaps up and she meets her tear-stained eyes ”Because for the first time, I have someone to get back to and it freaks me out so much.”

She steps on her toes and kisses him with as much passion and love as she can give him, desperately wanting to make him understand how much he means to her.

“You’re strong, Bellamy Blake” she whispers when their lips part, but her hands cup his face ”You’ll be alright.”

“We’ll be alright” he emphasizes on the fact that they’re together now as they’ve always been ”And for the record, you’re much more stronger than me, princess.” 

They hold onto each other till the last possible moment.

“I love you” she whispers one last time ”Be safe.”

“Love you too, princess” he kisses her head as he slides the bag over his shoulder ”Eat, okay? Make sure you rest enough and don’t-” she chuckles at that through tears. Even when he was leaving for war, fucking war, he was making sure she was fine. 

He stops it though and smiles as he takes a step back and lets go of her hand.

She remembers him exactly like this-his lopsided smile, the playful light in his eyes, his freshly cut hair reveling the scar on the side of his head that he tried to hid under a cap he puts on, his bag heavy, the strain rubbing over his bad shoulder, his boots making a heavy-to-bear sound of loneliness as he walks away and she stays there, frozen in place, her eyes never leaving him just as she never would.


	8. Sandstorms Pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, this will be the last chapter and then I'll post a short (I hope so) epilogue. I wanted to thank you all for reading, leaving me comments, being so supportive and I hope you will enjoy this chapter as well. If it wasn't for all that, I am not sure I would've kept on writing this story and if it wasn't for one particular person (Nou, that's for you), I wouldn't have posted it at all. So, truly, thank you! If you have any questions, want to yell at me or simply share an opinion, you can find me on tumblr- jasperjoordan.tumblr.com

**_From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_**

**_To:bellblake@gmail.com_ **

_Dear Bellamy,_

_I’m really sorry that the plans to talk last night fell through. They called me in very late because one of my patients, a little girl called Charlotte, went critical and needed surgery right away. I stayed there all night, making sure everything was fine, because honestly, she scared the shit out of me and she’s still not out of the woods._

_It’s awful to see kids like that, with no parents, nobody to really stay there when they feel so bad. You can understand why I couldn’t leave her. I hope you’re not mad at me._

_How are things going on there? What happened with your mission with Jaha? I hope everything turned out to be alright and you didn’t have any problems._

_I know that our initial plans to talk every day are not happening exactly as we expected and I won’t lie to you-it’s hard not to be able to hear your voice, but I know we’ll be alright. As long as you’re safe, everything will be fine._

_I talked to Monty the other day. He and Miller finally went on that vacation they’ve been planning for so long, but despite that Miller calls me every now and then to check if I’ve talked to you. He cares so much and I think in a way maybe he misses being there too. I know we never talked about that, but how are you holding up without him? I know it was different for you when you had him there, it must be hard to be without your friend._

_Have you gotten a chance to talk to Octavia recently? She’s gathering all of us tonight for some special dinner at their new place, but for some reason I feel like she has some news for us. You know anything about that?_

_Something else that I haven’t gotten the chance to mention yet-my mom is coming by this weekend. I honestly don’t know what to expect but I hope we’ll manage to have a good time. We’ve been talking more ever since you left and she still complains about the fact that she’s never met you. She wants to get to know you when you come home._

_That’s about what comes to mind right now. Write soon, please and if you can, call._

_Be safe,_

_-Clarke_

**_From: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

**_To: coffeedeprviedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

_Dear Clarke,_

_I’m so, so sorry that I’m late with this email. The mission took a lot longer than I initially expected to. Jaha only shared his plans when we got in the rover and needless to say, both I and the team were a bit pissed off that he kept us in the dark. He claimed that he did so because it was a classified thing, but I know he should’ve briefed at least me as the team captain._

_We only got home an hour ago, it’s morning here and I came by to the computer room as soon as we unloaded the rover. I hope you’re not too worried about me. Sometimes things take unexpected, even for me, turns._

_Judging by your letter, I can tell that you’re worried and I feel extremely guilty about it, but you can’t say that it matters only for me to be okay so we can be fine. Princess, you’re the one thing in my life right now that gives me hope, if anything were to happen to you, I would…_

_Well, I can give you a few ideas of what I can do, but I am sure you are able to imagine the scenario yourself. So, please, don’t cut yourself from the equasion. We’re together and just because I am the one currently fighting a war, it doesn’t undermine anything that happens to you._

_I know that before I left, we talked about it, but I need to say it again-I count on you to tell me everything that happens, even the bad stuff. You know I’m good at keeping my shit together, you won’t have to worry about me being distracted or doing stupid stuff while I’m out there…even if sometimes my actions in the past have proven otherwise. Not knowing how you are, if you’re really doing fine, and founding out from other people that something has happened, is a lot worse than you just telling me._

_Anyway, apart from all that, yes I know what’s going on with Octavia and I assume by now you’ve found out too. Lincoln called me last week to ask for my blessing, but I promised not to tell anyone. I can’t believe my sister is engaged. It makes me feel so old. I bet you made pictures like you always do when you’re too excited about something, so please send me!_

_I’m going to be in base in the next few days since we’re getting prepared for Christmas, though we’ll still be working even then. Yet, guess who drew the short stick and has to decorate the mess hall? Yep, that’s right-yours truly. Knowing how lazy my team is and with the new recruitments I’ve got, you can bet it’s gonna be me doing all the work. I miss Miller in moments like that._

_Anyway, I’m going to go try to catch up on some sleep. I hope we get to talk tomorrow, princess. I miss you very much._

_I love you._

_-Bellamy_

**_From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

**_To: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

_Hey Bell,_

_I’m really sorry for being so late to respond-things at the hospital have been a total mess. It gets crazy around Christmas, people getting hurt while decorating their decks or falling outside and breaking bones. It’s been really busy and I’ve missed talking to you._

_It all proves to be harder than we thought it would right? Then again, when were things ever easy for us?_

_Murphy said he talked to you today before you went in for your guard shift. He said you sounded…sad. Now, I know that Christmas is a difficult time to be away from home, but you never mentioned anything when we talked the other night, which is pretty hypocritical of you, considering you wanted me to promise to tell you everything._

_You know, you don’t have to shy away from those things. I want you to tell me everything that’s going on with you-the right and the wrong. I am not dumb enough to believe that your nightmares stopped when you went there, they probably worsened and even though I haven’t asked you about it yet directly, it doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m just being patient with you, though I guess that was the wrong tactics._

_Anyway, what I mean is…please talk to me. Don’t push yourself away again from everyone you love, just because you’re a self-sacrificing ass._

_I have pictures attached from the engagement party. You were right, it was one hell of a dinner. I am mad that you knew and didn’t tell me! How could you? I was so surprised but our delinquents were too precious with their reactions-Jasper almost fell from the chair, Monty and Miller cheered loudly and Raven gave us, as usually, a snarky remark before elbowing me and betting that Miller and Monty will be next. I will definitely not be surprised, as I found out recently, that they’ve been looking for a newer, bigger apartment in our area which is great._

_Speaking of places to live, Octavia told me something during the engagement party. She said that part of the money you get from the army you save so you can repair the old house you lived in with your mother._

_Why haven’t you told me about that? She said it was your dream to rebuilt it on your own and live there with your family one day. That’s big plans, Blake. You better be including me in them._

_Anyway, I have to go now, I have less than six hours to rest before my next shift starts._

_Please, stay safe while you put on the decoration. Don’t trip!_

_-Clarke_

**_From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

**_To: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

_Bellamy,_

_I’m seriously worried out of my mind. It’s been four days since we last heard from each other. I can’t get in touch with you, the phone is off and you haven’t answered here at all. I don’t know if there was a mission you were send to and you’re out of reach but I’m going insane. All of us are, including Octavia who probably will try and assassinate the president if we don’t get any news on you._

_Please, as soon as you can, call me or write if you can’t do that. Miller said he’ll try to get in touch with Jaha, but he’s not sure if it will work._

_Please, be safe, please!_

_-Clarke_

**_From: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

**_To: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com._ **

_Dear Clarke,_

_I’m sorry for scaring you so much, this really was out of my control. Jaha told me Miller called and he gave you some information but he couldn’t have known how I was doing, because he wasn’t allowed anywhere near medbay._

_Honestly…this was one of the worst experiences I’ve had for all the time I’ve been in the army. You know virus outbreaks don’t happen that often, the only other time I’ve been sick, was when Miller and I were still in boot camp and it was nothing compared to this._

_I don’t know how it spread so fast, it was some kind of flu, but worse-blood trickled from our noses or we coughed it out, the fever was relentless._

_First my entire team fell with it in a day. I was the last one to catch it and I was actually out driving with Jaha all day. I felt that something was wrong and by the time we made it back to camp, I could barely see the road ahead of me._

_It’s the worst outbreak in years._

_Over half the soldiers in camp got sick. The medbay was full and when I finally collapsed on the way to my tent, I hardly remember anything that happened after it. I know that they carried me there, but all the cots were full so they placed me on a blanket on the floor. There were sick people all around me, everyone coughing or struggling with the pain._

_The medical staff wasn’t enough, I don’t remember anyone coming to see me the first day, I just laid there. Jackson later told me they ran out of medication very fast and by the time a new shipment came, it was too late for some of us. It was all so horrible, I felt so helpless, so bad, the air was stuffed, people were yelling in pain, doctors were rushing up and down trying to help those who were too sick._

_I slept through most of it and on the second day I remember a nurse came. She talked to me, asked me questions but I could barely answer. I remember coughing and staring at the blood on my hand-I don’t recall being that scared since I first came here._

_Then later Jackson came, he gave me medication, told me the reason I’m having it harder is because I haven’t been taking enough rest, my body was exhausted. He scolded me quite a lot before he left me some soup to try and eat later but I just couldn’t, so I gave it to Sterling, one of the youngsters on my team who had just joined, he was lying next to me._

_I remember the first time I managed to raise myself on my elbows I realized how full the medbay was-we were placed literally in the corner of the room, it was all so dark, even though I think it was day and I felt dizzy, so I just laid back down._

_I must’ve fallen asleep because the next time Jackson woke me, it was late in the evening. He seemed worried and I rarely saw Jackson worried, so I thought that was it-I was going to die right there. I came to war and I died because of some shitty flu. I remember he tried to keep me awake, made me eat a little bit before he went to another patient._

_I stared at the ceiling and thought about you. I knew how pissed you would be if I don’t fight, if I don’t get though this, I imagined you scolding me, giving me hope. And then I dreamed and I dreamed of you, I swear, you were right there with me, you were kneeling down and you held my hand and talked to me. Turned out later, I was talking in my sleep because when I woke up, Jackson was there again, making me feel embarrassed for being in love with you so much._

_Anyway, now I’m a lot better. The medicine kicked in and I managed to get back on my feet and drag my ass to the computer room. I don’t have the phone right now, Jaha needed it for some mission but as soon as he comes back, I’m getting it and talking to you._

_I’ll be sticking around base till the end of the week, resting as per Jackson’s orders. You don’t have to worry about me, princess, I told you, we would be fine. You literally saved me life. If I didn’t have anything to hold on to, I’m not sure I would’ve survived this._

_I love you, never forget that!_

_And I hope I didn’t scare you too much with this letter, I just wanted to be honest with you, like you asked me to. Please, tell me how you are. I’m really sorry again for doing this to you._

_Be safe, princess,_

_-Bellamy_

**_From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

**_To: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

_Dear Bellamy,_

_Yes, you did scare the shit out of me, but I’m so glad you told me everything the way it was._

_I won’t lie to you, when I read your email, I cried. I couldn’t imagine you going through all of that alone, being there, in the room with all those sick soldiers, lying helpless and on the floor, without getting help right away._

_It scared me, but moreover, it made me angry. Angry because, I wish I was there with you, so I could’ve helped. Angry, because you didn’t have enough medication since obviously those superior to you, weren’t prepared for such a scenerio. Angry because you were so afraid you could die and you were alone._

_I know, I already told you all this when we talked, that we discussed most of it and that you calmed me down, saying you’re feeling a lot better, but still…I can’t get this out of my mind. I keep imagining you there and it breaks my heart._

_I scolded you already, but Jackson was right-you need to get more rest. I am aware that sleeping comes hard to you, I know you have nightmares, but you have to eat and try to relax more. Promise me you’ll do that._

_I’m doing alright, things at the hospital are still a bit crazy because of the weather and the holidays but it’s becoming a routine. I can’t believe you’re being send out on a mission on Christmas day! Hope you can stick in base on New Years?_

_Anyway, since I haven’t manage to tell you the good news, because I only found out last night, I’m going to enlighten your sweet ass-Miller and Monty are adopting! Can you imagine that? I had no idea they were planning on it, though obviously it’s something they’ve been thinking about for a while. I can’t wait to see them as parents one day._

_Speaking of parents and kids, JJ has been having troubles at kindergarten lately. Some boy has been abusing him, kicking him while they played outside or calling him names. He’s been crying every morning, refusing to go there and I babysat him on my day off and during the weekend._

_It breaks my heart to see him like this, so sad and closed off. You know what kind of kid he is-always happy, energetic, jumping around all over us and refusing to leave us alone. Now he barely says a word, usually sits down and plays on his own. I tried to talk to him, but I am sure it would mean a lot if you could skype with them. You always bring a smile to his face._

_Anyway, I’m heading off now, gotta get to work._

_I love you, please be safe and rest!_

_-Clarke_

**_From: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

**_To: clarkegriffin@hotmail.com_ **

_Dear Clarke,_

_I’ll try to keep this short because I just talked to my sister and she said you haven’t been doing that great._

_I’m really sorry that you couldn’t save Charlotte, I’m really sorry that such a young girl left this world. Octavia said you took it really hard and spent the afternoon in bed, refusing to talk to her or Raven._

_Please, please, princess, call me when you read this. I want to talk to you, I want to help. Saying stuff like” you did everything you could” are cliche but they are the truth. I know that when you get like this you prefer to be alone, but don’t be like me, don’t carry it all on your own._

_That’s why you have me. That’s why you have our delinquents. Let us help._

_I love you, don’t ever forget that._

_In seven months I’ll be home, I’ll hold you in my arms and never let you go._

_-Bellamy_

**_From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

**_To: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

_Dear Bellamy,_

_Thank you so much for spending two hours talking on the phone with me last night. I know you must’ve been tired, you sounded so, but you helped me more than you possible realize. It’s been tough, seing such a young life leave this world, watching the light fade from their eyes before they’ve even experienced their first love, their first heartbreak, their graduation. Before actually living._

_You understand it because you’ve seen so many young men die. Out of all the people in the world, it was you again, who could possibly know how it feels. So thank you, for refusing to let me drown in my misery, for pulling me out of all the grief and reminding me that sometimes things get out of hand, that we can’t save everyone._

_Octavia and Raven have barely left me alone this week, they constantly pass by and even stay the night. I know they have their own stuff and I tried to tell them they don’t have to come every day, that I’ll be fine, but they said I should let them just do it because they weren’t going anywhere. “The princess needs to remember she’s not alone”, they said and honestly…they made me cry._

_Something else caught my attention in your last letter, but I didn’t have the guts to bring it up until now._

_You said you’ll come home, hold me in your hands and never let me go. Now, I know it might be a bit of a stretch to hope that, but…I was wondering what exactly did you mean by it?_

_Are you thinking about this being your last tour? Or am I totally misreading it and it was just you using this expression like that? I’m not trying to pressure you, but it has been bugging me since I read your email…Do you want to re-enlist again after this tour is over or are you really coming home to me? For good?_

_You don’t have to answer right away, if you don’t want to talk about it or haven’t decided, please say so. There’s time for us to discuss this, you’re not even halfway through this tour, but it just made me wonder and I couldn’t help but ask._

_Anyway, I have the day off and I’m going out with JJ and Murphy. The kid has been doing a bit better since he talked to you, as I assumed would be the case, and Murphy decided to move him to another kindergarten so he can start anew._

_He told me it was an expensive one and not in our neighborhood but before he could explain anything else, you already had the check send to him, urging him to just do the thing._

_I will never know how big your heart is, Bellamy Blake, but it is one of the reasons that I love you so much._

_Don’t let it darken, don’t let yourself forget that you’re a good man._

_I love you._

_Be safe,_

_-Clarke_

**_From: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

**_To: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

_Dear Clarke,_

_First of all, thank you for sending that enormous holiday package full of all the things my soldier heart craves. I was happy to share it with the guys and they send their regards as well. You’re literally our savior. It’s been so hard for all of us in the past few weeks but something like that, which you consider small and insignificant, I’m sure, made our holidays a hundred times better._

_Now to the more pressing stuff-you didn’t misread my words, princess. I meant exactly what I said. When this tour is over, I’m coming home and I’m not leaving you again. I won’t re-enlist. I know it will be hard for me, but I realized that I can’t stay that far away from you, I need to be there. I want to start working on my mother’s house, I want to fix it and maybe find some decent job. I want us to move in together, so I can wake up next to you every morning only to realize I am the happiest, most luckiest man on this earth._

_I love you, Clarke Griffin._

_I love you and I am coming home to you._

_You just have to hold on for seven more months and we’ll be together. Bear with me just a little while longer and I’ll be yours if you’ll have me._

_I know I’ve been putting up a brave face for you and I know you see right through me, but the truth is, princess, this tour is the hardest one I’ve had since I joined._

_And it’s not just because Miller’s gone or that half my team consists of fresh-out-of-bootcamp eighteen-year-olds. It’s just a lot tougher._

_Fights break out every other week, we’re being sent off without having any idea what we’ll stumble upon. There’s never been such uncertainty or that much stress to be honest. I love being a soldier, you know that, I’ve told you so, but this year, for some reason it’s just so hard._

_Maybe it’s because…and even if I don’t want to admit it, I guess it is true…that it’s because I’m fighting so hard to stay alive this time so I can come home back to you._

_I’ve realized that before, I was a lot more careless with my own life. I hate even saying that out loud, but I guess it’s true. Somewhere deep down, I’ve felt like, I don’t want to die…but I wouldn’t mind if it happened._

_You changed things for me, princess. You made me want to live not only for you and my friends, but for myself too and for that I will be forever grateful._

_Falling in love with you, that has been a journey I never thought I’ll be lucky enough to live through. Holding you in my arms, kissing you, loving you all night long until we are so tired, we can barely keep our eyes open, that felt like a dream, but the best thing is, that it was not. It was real._

_Loving you is real._

_Anyway, I have to go now. It’s back to being busy here after New Years and we’re being send off to a mission tomorrow. Don’t worry, though, it’s not supposed to be anything dangerous. I’ll be back to calling you and annoying you all the time before you know it._

_Make sure you get enough rest too. Octavia said the dark circles under your eyes are scaring her, please don’t forget to take care of yourself._

_I love you,_

_-Bellamy_

**_From: coffeedeprivedgriffin@hotmail.com_ **

**_To: bellblake@gmail.com_ **

_Dear Bellamy,_

_I know you’re probably away on your mission by now and I myself dont have much time to write, but I needed to._

_Your last email left me in tears. I love you all the more for telling me how you felt and what changed after we got together. I won’t lie when I say that I’m happy you’ll be coming home and not going back, even if I do know it will be hard for you to get used to the civilian life._

_We’ll get through it, though, as we always do, together. I will never leave your side just like you refuse to leave mine._

_I love you more than you can imagine, Bellamy Blake. And if you think I am the one that saved you, you couldn’t be more wrong, because you changed things for me too. You came into my life because of a stupid sandstorm and turned it all upside down, leaving me breathless and utterly confused. Now I can’t be more grateful for the way things turned out. I’ll forever thank the universe, God and whatever is out there that cut you all from the world and made you write that first email to me._

_I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you._

_There’s something I need to tell you, though and that’s one of the reasons I am writing this now even though I don’t have much time. Please, when you come back call me, this is important and I don’t want to write it over here. I want to hear your voice, I need it._

_Don’t freak out though. It’s not a bad thing…or at least I don’t think it is. I will explain it all when you call me, but don’t have a heart attack before that._

_I love you and I will wait for you,_

_-Clarke_

 

~~~~~~~~~~

He doesn’t know how it happens, it is that unexpected. One minute he was hiding behind the rover, getting ready to jump out and attack and the next he feels his body being thrown away.

It felt much more like flying than anything else, but he guessed being blown up does that to you. It’s not like it has never happened to him before, but this time, it’s different-much more stronger, much more painful.

He finds it hard to open his eyes at first, the pain literally blinds him and he attempts at moving but a loud gasp escapes his lips and he gives up. His moan gets lost in the utter mess that’s going on around him-more bombs blow off, more bullets whizzle by him, more soldiers yell-nobody can hear him.

He manages to lift his head up, using absolutely every drop of strength he has left in him, trying to convince himself that maybe it is not that bad. 

Yes, it hurt, it hurt a lot and everywhere, but maybe…just maybe…

And then he sees his bloody body-he can’t even recognize his leg, looking at it makes him feel sick and explains why he can’t feel it at all. Then he stares at his stomach and realizes that he can’t even lift his hand to cover the big hole on his left side-he was that helpless.

_It’s fine._ He tells himself. It will be fine, they’ll send the medical units, they’ll get to him.

His head drops back on the sand and he realizes his helmet must’ve fallen out too and the thick red liquid coming down his cheek and dropping on his eye is red. It’s _blood._

So the head too, then, it must’ve been a really bad blow. It was, he felt how strong it was, he had just hoped it would be fine.

He clenches his jaw and groans loudly as he tries to move but he can’t-he doesn’t feel his legs at all, he tries to move his hand again to cover the wound on his stomach but he fails. 

Suddenly, he realizes, he doesn’t hear all the noises around him-he does see other soulders running by him, yelling, but he doesnt hear them. 

_It must be my head_ , he thinks, _I must’ve hit it really hard._

He lays down and decides to wait, somebody will come, somebody will help him. What did Jackson always say-when you hit your head, try to stay awake, no matter what you have to do, stay awake.

And he knows it will be a challenge the minute he remembers this, because he feels so cold and his eyes are drooping, begging him to close them.He should just rest, he should just fall and when he wakes up, he’ll be back in base, safe and sound in a cot, he will be fine. He’ll call Clarke and tell her it’s nothing serious.

Clarke.

He remembers her and his eyes snap open. He stares at the bright sky and thinks, imagines her. He had to stay awake for her. 

He decides to remember all the good moments they’ve had when he was home, all the times she smiled when he kissed her after waking up, the way her hair spilled on his pillow, how she hugged herself closer to him at night even though it was technically still hot outside but she claimed she was cold. He recalls all the times he tickled her and her laughter filled the kitchen or that one afternoon they had ice cream and she got chocolate all over her face like a kid. He remembers loving her for the first time in her apparment that night after they had a fight at Murphy’s. He remembers his hands tracing every inch of her body, slowly learning everything there is about her.

But he realizes all those things, only make it harder for him to stay awake, his eyes keep closing and he would fall for a minute before jerking awake once again. 

He thought how excruciating the pain was, he thought how maybe if he’s that bad, they’ll let him come home to her sooner.

But for now he had to keep on, he had to stay awake. So he does the only thing that he could think of-he starts reciting her letters out loud. His ability to hear has returned, though it was still so loud and confusing around him, but he tried to focus on his voice.

_Hello Bellamy,_

he mumbles to himself

_You’re right-your email did come out of the blue. I thought indeed I am the last person you would message, but I am sorry you guys have been going through hell over there. I hope things are better now. But still…I have every right to be smug about this so let me glow. What an irony that you had to write to the person you can’t stand being around, huh?_

It was from her first letter. The one he got after he wrote to her when the sandstorm has passed but has ruined any other forms of communication. He never told her that, but he had memorized every email she had ever send him. He reread them countless of times and when he wake up from a nightmare, he would repeat them over and over until he calmed down. It made him feel closer to her, safer.

_Octavia is doing fine. I know that you guys haven’t talked ever since she found out you’ve reenlisted and I know you think she hates you, but she misses you too. I often catch her drifting off while we’re out with everyone else or during movie nights and I know she’s thinking about you._

He continued and he kept on and on and after he was done with this one, he started with the next, then the next, then the next. He was on the fifth one when he saw Jackson, but by that time he no longer felt any pain and he was so cold, so damn cold.

Jackson was talking to him, he could barely feel his hands on his body though, he was asking him something, he pressed his hand on his cheek and he heard him saying something like _It will be fine, I’ve got you now._

But he was so cold and he barely kept his eyes opened. He felt them moving him on a stretcher. He couldn’t hear bombs or bullets or yells of people dying all around him anymore-it was quiet, the fight must’ve been over.

When he found himself inside a vehicle alongside two more soldiers, he felt himself trembling really bad-why was it so cold? He was in a goddamn desert, he usually couldn’t sleep because of the heat and now suddenly, it was so unbelivably cold. Jackson yelled at the nurse to hurry, he heard them talking something about losing blood, head trauma, his leg being completely useless, but it strangely didn’t hurt at all. Not anymore.

I love you-he remembers her saying on the airport before he left.

“I love you too, Clarke” he mumbles and Jackson throws him a confused look ”I love you, I love you so much” he no longer trembles, his body isn’t torn by pain or wounds or violent shakes-it’s calm for the first time today, it’s calm and he wants to give into it. 

He closes his eyes and sees them all as they last were on the airport-he feels Jasper leaning his cheek on his shoulder, Monty patting his arm, Miller giving him advice, his sister’s strong embrace, Raven poking his rib. He recalls JJ’s small head resting on his chest, he remember Murphy looking away, hiding his tears. 

He sees them all.

He sees _her_ too. There are tears in her light blue eyes, but she is smiling and she is so damn beautiful.

He hears Jackson call his name, but he’s too tired to open his eyes-it feels so good seing her like this, all smiling and bright before him.

He picks her in his arms and spins her. A chuckle escapes her lips as she tells him how much she’s missed him.

He no longer feels cold, he realizes, he feels happy.

He feels at peace.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Just a day later while Clarke is hanging out with Raven in Octavia’s place, two soldiers in perectly ironed green uniforms, holding a folded flag, make their way to the front porch of the house.

They ring and it is Octavia who opens up, freezing dead in her spot when she sees them. They start talking, apologizing, explaining and a minute later Clarke comes rushing in.

She listens, but she can’t make sense of their words.

Raven catches her as she collapses, preventing her from hitting the ground while Octavia’s cries fill the empty living room.


	9. Epilogue: Bruises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I wanted to thank you all for reading this story once again. I do realize that many of you were probably disappointed with the previous chapter's ending while others were expecting what happened. Either way, despite everything, I do hope you have enjoyed the story. As I already explained in the replies to some of you, it was how I had planned to write this and even though I knew it would be painful, both for you to read and for me to go through, I didn't change my mind. I do know that I write kind of too sad for which I'm sorry but I am glad that you stuck with me besides all this.  
> I hope you will enjoy the epilogue and thank you again for reading! For any further questions you can find me on tumblr- jasperjoordan. tumblr. com

Clarke is in the kitchen when she hears a loud cry coming from outside and JJ’s worried voice calling his father.

“Daaaaaad!” he yells and Clarke immediately drops the knife she’s using for slicing the onion and turns around, staring at the window above the sink from which she could see the small backyard where the kids were playing. 

“Dad! Aunt Clarke!” JJ keeps yelling, now seeming absolutely desperate as he sits there on the grass, hugging the smaller boy in his hands and somehow being unable to walk. 

Clarke drops everything she’s holding and heads outside since Murphy is still somewhere upstairs, folding the laundry and he probably couldn’t hear any of this.

“Hey, hey, what’s up?” Clarke asks as she jumps down the stairs taking her from the small porch to the backyard and rushes by JJ’s side. He seems too troubled, thinks she’ll maybe scold him while the younger boy in his lap cries out.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to trip, aunt Clarke” JJ apologizes as she kneels next to them and picks the boy from JJ as she assesses his face for any injuries before her eyes fall on the scrape on his knee ”He wanted me to carry him and he hopped up on my back and he was laughing and I wasn’t looking where-”

“It’s okay JJ, it’s fine, it happens” she assures him as she brushes away a strand of hair from his forehead while the smaller boy’s cries still fill the air ”Hey, hey, Noah” she places her hand on her son’s head ”It’s okay, baby boy” she kisses him and starts rubbing his back, something that always calmed him down ”It’s alright, you’re fine” she tells him and notices that he has hurt his elbow when they fell and was now clutching his hand to his chest.

“Uuuuuuuuuuuuurts” he cries out and of course he breaks her heart, he always does that even when he can’t properly say the words still, tumbling with them and yet continuing to stubbornly try. For his three years he was doing surprisingly good, though. She carefully takes his small arm in hers and a relieved breathe escapes her lips when she realizes nothing is broken and he just hit himself pretty hard.

“I know it hurts” she tells him as she leans down and places a small kiss above his scrape ”Mom will fix it, okay?” he calms down a bit, too busy trying to make sense of her words and she brushes away the tears from his eyes. 

He wasn’t a kid who complained too much, even as a baby, he would only cry when he was really in pain or extremely hungry. He didn’t even whine when he wanted to be picked-she often woke up to find him awake in his crib, mumbling his baby sounds to himself and the moment he saw her, he would smile and stretch his hands, but he wouldn’t cry even if he must’ve been awake and alone for a while. 

Octavia liked to say it’s exactly what Bellamy’s son would be like-always selflessly sacrificing his own happiness for the good of the others. Even as a fucking infant. 

Noah was a spitting image of his father-black curly hair, that his aunt Octavia had just trimmed the other day, while he impatiently sat in his mother’s lap, freckly face, darker skin and his eyes-that same deep brown endless warmth and goodness that Bellamy had carried with himself. 

Sometimes when other people picked Noah up, she would look at them and think how much he resembles his father and her heart would skip a beat every time. 

But he had stuff from her too like her awful stubbornness or his ability to sometimes close himself off and refuse to let others help which is what was a character trait of his father too, but still…He liked to help others, Murphy said it was the doctor in him. That one time Murphy cut himself while making dinner, Noah picked up a tissue, start pulling his leg until his uncle kneeled down and covered his bleeding finger with it. He smiled and turned to Clarke.

“Mark my words, this one looks like Blake, but he’s so going to be a doctor like you.” Clarke had teared up because she couldn’t believe what she was witnessing. Her son surprised her with something new every day.

“What happened?” Murphy’s worried voice came from behind her and she turned around as she helped JJ stand up too ”JJ you alright?” he wanted to pick him up but seven-year-old JJ thought he was too big for those stuff already so Murphy refrained from doing so. He still looked at his scrape and the same way as Clarke and his shoulders lost their rigidness once he realized it wasn’t anything too serious.

“They fell while they played, but they’ll be fine” she explained as she started walking towards the house. Noah was no longer crying but his face was buried in Clarke’s shoulder while he stared at his uncle and JJ following them up.

“I’m so sorry, dad, I didn’t mean to” JJ still thought he was in trouble and Murphy calmed him down by squeezing his hand gently and assuring him it’s fine. 

They entered the small kitchen and placed them both on the counters next to each other before Clarke took the first aid kit from the cupboard above the sink.

Clarke sometimes wondered what other people who weren’t their delinquent friends thought of the fact that she lived together with Murphy and his kid. To them, it might look strange but to her, it was the most logical thing in the world. 

It turned out, Bellamy has changed his will a bit before he took off for his tour, splitting the money he had made between Murphy and his sister and leaving his mother’s house to none other than Clarke. When the lawyer told them so, she really couldn’t believe it-he had left her his house. He had actually sat down and thought of the possibility of never returning home and he left her his childhood home.

She had no idea what to do with it, it was honestly the last thing on her mind, especially with everything going on back then. 

She still avoids thinking about how bad she was after they found out about him, not that she can actually remember it all. She recalls the soldiers that came to tell them but she had lost consciousness and woke up later only to see Raven and Murphy staring down at her worriedly. 

The minute she realized that this is real and he’s never coming home to her, not alive at least, she started crying. They couldn’t calm her down, no matter what they did and at some point she couldn’t breathe-they had to fight her, she would try to get off Murphy’s grip or kick him or even hurt herself just to get away from them but they wouldn’t leave her alone. 

She had no idea where Octavia was and it took her more than a few hours to realize that…she’s no longer in her friend’s house, she was back in her own flat-it was that screwed up. 

At some point Murphy decided it would be better if he just sedates her and when she saw him holding the syringe, she knew there was something she had to say but her mind was so blurry and confused until her hand instinctively fell on her stomach and she raised her hand, trying to stop him.

“Don’t!” she had begged ”I’m pregnant.”

She would never forget the unbearable silence that fell in the room in that moment, the look Raven and Murphy gave her-complete surprise and utter confusion. She had sunk down on her pillow and turned her back to them, trying to hide from the world, from the truth that Bellamy was gone.

She couldn’t stop and they didn’t know what to do with her anymore, they had hoped her body would pass out from the exhaustion, but it didn’t and later that night, Murphy had come behind her back, picked her up and just held her like this. 

She knew he wanted to cry too, but he hadn’t, at least not in front of her because he realized how much that would ruin things for her even more-he just held her and they stayed like this for a long while-Raven sitting on the edge of the couch by her feet and Murphy holding her with her back to his chest. 

At some point she asked what has happened since she hadn’t listened to what those two soldiers had said, or more like-she had, but she couldn’t make sense of it and Murphy explained how the mission took an unexpected turn, Bellamy got thrown away by a bomb that exploded very close to him and struggled to stay conscious until the medical units arrived, but died on the way to the hospital from the severity of his wounds and the lost blood. 

Later they received a call from Jackson, who explained everything that has happened in detail. She had wanted to know, but after she did, she lay down in her bed and didn’t move until the next day when Murphy came to literally drag her out.

The funeral was a total blur. 

She barely remembers any of it-she knows Raven helps her put her dress on, basically does everything for her-combs her hair, picks her shoes, helps her walk, even though she was hardly walking herself. Many people talk at the service but she doesn’t register their words, her eyes are pinned on the coffin and she occasionally looks at Octavia who’s only staying on her feet because of Lincoln’s big hands supporting her weight. 

She decides that she owes him to get her shit together at least then and when she says her final goodbye and kisses his forehead one last time, she doesn’t collapse but instead brushes her tears away the minute she feels them threatening to fall down. 

After it, Murphy gets her home, of course he does, he hasn’t left her side and deep down she wonders if that too, is something Bellamy had asked him to do. 

For a month she wouldn’t leave her place. He came every day, made her get up, forced her to eat and drink more water, called Raven when she needed a shower so she would help out. 

Sometimes she yelled at him, asked him to just go because she didn’t want any of this anymore, she didn’t want to live like this and he yelled back at her, pointing at her growing belly, reminding her of things Bellamy had said, reminding her…she can’t give up. 

She slowly picks herself up, she starts eating on her own and taking showers every morning. She goes back to work and Murphy starts coming ever other day instead of all the time, because he too realizes she needs some space so she can get herself on her feet. 

Something else settles in her, though and that’s _guilt_ -she feels bad for not thinking about her baby more, she starts doubting herself and her ability to be a good mother. It scares her to the point where she almost collapses one day after her check up and this time Murphy isn’t there to catch her. He comes by later that evening, though and the minute he sees her, he knows something’s wrong.

She’s not sure if he’s the one to call her mother but she comes either way. It slowly gets better, feels good to have her, but the guilt doesn’t immediately disappear. 

She cries the night she feels Noah kick for the first time and wonders how she’ll do all this without him.

Giving birth lasts over 18 hours. Noah is eager to meet the world but he doesn’t make his arrival easy. She doesn’t remember ever being in so much physical pain and she wonders how did Bellamy took all those bullets and brushed the scars they left with the wave of a hand. 

Octavia’s there, holding her hand while she pushes and when her lips accidentally spill her brother’s name, tears fill her friend’s eyes. She begs for the baby to be alright, asks of Bellamy to look after him, to not let anything bad happen and whens she hears Noah’s cries, it’s the most happy and relieved she’s been in months. 

But immediately after it, she feels like something’s wrong, something inside her hurts too much and her eyes start drooping. Suddenly the doctors are yelling above her, barking orders, Octavia’s hand leaves hers and she loses consciousness. It feels good to disappear in the darkness, easier, and she’s so damn tired. 

She wakes a day later only to find all of the delinquents sitting by her bed. The minute she opens her eyes and a painful gasp escapes her lips, they all jump-some of them worried, but all of them smiling. 

“Knew you wouldn’t leave us” Jasper whispers in her ear when he hugs her tight and refuses to let her go. He was so scared he was going to loose another person he loved after he had just said goodbye to his best friend ”He wouldn’t let you” he had added before they parted and her eyes filled with tears.

When they placed the baby in her hands she can’t explain what she feels but it’s surely the best thing in the entire world. 

She had a couple of names prepared for a boy but the minute she saw him, she knew which one she was picking. When she said his name out loud, Octavia cried and hugged them and the rest cheered. 

Later when it was only the two of them in the room she had said that if Bellamy was here, she would’ve made him swear he would leave Clarke choose the name, otherwise the poor kid would be stuck with some Greek god strange thing and would have to suffer for the rest of his life. 

When Noah is five months old she gets a call from Miller that he’s coming to pick her up and the baby for a walk with him, Monty and their adopted girl Chloe. 

Turns out, he doesn’t take them for a walk-he drives all the way to the house Bellamy has left her, he takes her out and helps her off the car (she was still a bit wobbly and unstable for months after giving birth), only so she can find Jasper and Murphy working on the roof. 

She had stopped dead in her place and looked at Miller confused until he explained that they are fixing the house for her, all of them. Murphy has worked for a long time with Bellamy in construction, so he had it all figured out and they’ve come up with a schedule with which fit all of theirs. It would take some time to finish it but they were doing it. 

She had tried to pull a fight, asked where they’ll get all the money for this and Murphy explained that Bellamy had a sum saved in the bank for this since he was planning to do it on his own. It would be about enough but they would all pitch in a bit so they could finish it.

She had cried and hugged them all. 

When Noah was almost two years old, the house was done, it wasn’t too big-a living room, a kitchen and a bedroom on the first floor and two extra rooms on the second, together with a relatively small backyard, but it was still a lot for her. 

Murphy was looking for a new place at that time, so they would be closer to JJ’s kindergarten when she suggested he moves in on the second floor. After much persuasion, he had agreed, promising to pay her a monthly rent, which she of course refused and asked him to just fill the fridge and teach her how to cook, since she was a disaster. 

They’ve been living like this for over a year now and she couldn’t be more grateful for having him here, because she honestly had no idea how she would live in such a house on her own. 

They both had no partners-well, on occasions, Murphy would spent the night with Emori, but it still looked like she didn’t want anything serious with him, plus he had JJ to think about and Clarke…Clarke hadn’t really thought about being with someone since she lost Bellamy. Sure, Raven and Octavia, they both urged her to go on dates and she had a couple of times, but she always came home grateful that she’ll finally get to spent the rest of the evening with Noah. 

Murphy had grown to be her best friend and they helped each other all the time-they raised their kids together and despite the hectic schedule they had, they tried to find time to have fun too. 

Clarke would take care of JJ and Noah when Murphy needed a time out and Murphy would do the same for her. They worked strangely good even if they sometimes argued about the junk food Clarke bought or the shows they watched. 

He knew when not to overstep, and so did she-he would find her sometimes late at night, unable to fall asleep, thinking about Bellamy and he would go and make her tea, leave it on the coffee table, squeeze her shoulder and return to bed. He was Murphy, that was about as much physical comfort as he could offer but Clarke could never thank him for everything he’s done for her, especially after Bellamy’s death.

JJ on the other hand loved playing with Noah. He would act like an older brother all the time, taking him out for walks and to the playground, showing him things or teaching him stuff. 

He loved him and Noah adored him too. He would always cry in the morning when JJ left for school and he had to go to kindergarten and once they reunited in the evening, Noah would run to him and hug his legs saying “JJ back!” and JJ would laugh, hug him back and say “Yes, I’m back, Noah.”

“That’s gonna sting a bit” she warns Noah, clearing her thoughts from all the memories and getting her full attention back on her son. He looks at her worried, his bottom lip trembling a bit ”But you’re a brave boy now, aren’t you, Noah?” she asks and he nods. 

JJ, who’s already being patched up by Murphy, takes Noah’s hand in his and squeezes it hard just when Clarke presses the cotton to her son’s bruised elbow. He hisses and squeezes his eyes but doesn’t cry.

”That’s my boy” she praises him when she’s done and JJ smiles in support only to meet Noah’s blurry from the tears eyes. 

“Will you go to the cemetery tomorrow?” Murphy asks casually but she notices the tension in his shoulders. 

“Yes, probably in the morning” he nods and she lets Noah pick up his band aid. He chooses the blue superman one and she carefully puts it on.

“Do you want me to babysit Noah or will you take him too?” Murphy continues as he wraps JJ’s knee in a tight bandage. She swallows hard, feeling bad that he took most of the fall, probably because he was trying to cushion the fall and keep Noah safe.

“I’ll take him with me.” Murphy nods and JJ looks between them curiously.

“Are you gonna see uncle Bell?” he asks carefully, knowing that the subject’s sore, usually bringing tears to his father’s eyes and making his aunt tense.

“It’s his birthday tomorrow” Murphy explains for Clarke, knowing how hard it is for her ”So your aunt will go see him and then later your uncle Miller and Jasper will come by and drive us there too.”

“Can’t I come with you?” JJ turns hopefully to Clarke ”I promise, I’ll be good and I won’t give you any trouble.” she smiles. 

JJ was such a good kid, he rarely did something bad, he was also so smart that the school had called Murphy the other day and told him JJ could skip right onto second grade if Murphy agrees to it. He was some kind of prodigy apparently and Murphy spent the evening crying from happiness, leaving Clarke confused as to how to explain to a seven year old that this dad is just too proud and happy for him and not crying because he did something wrong.

“JJ” Murphy starts seriously, getting ready to explain that Clarke wants to be alone when she interrupts him.

“You can come” she smiles and picks Noah up in his arms because he senses her sadness and had stretched his small arms, begging her to hold him.

“Clarke” Murphy looks at her, shaking his head, offering her the chance to say no, but she doesn’t want to. She loves JJ as her own kid, the same way Murphy loved Noah. He spoiled him more than Octavia did and Clarke had to scold them both half the time ”Are you sure?” he adds and she nods as she leans down to give JJ a kiss on the forehead before checking his bandaged knee.

“Why don’t you two go and watch some TV while me and your dad finish up with dinner here” she tells JJ and watches him take Noah’s hand and lead him to the living room.

They continue making dinner in silence, there’s not tension or the sudden need to say anything but Murphy sees how hard it is for her to keep herself calm and collected, her hand would tremble when she held the knife or she would accidentally drop something because she’s too lost in thoughts, but he doesn’t go to her and tell her she should stop, he knows she hates that and he won’t make her feel like just because she’s hurting right now, she’s incapable of preparing dinner.

Later that evening, when she can’t sleep, he passes by and leaves her a cup of tea on the coffee table before he heads upstairs. He sees the wooden box in her lap, knows its content but doesn’t say anything, fully realizing that she does what she has to to get through each day. 

She leans back on the couch when she’s sure she’s alone and opens up the box full of letters. 

Turned out, about two weeks after the funeral, they finally got all of his stuff back. His clothes, his uniform and any other of his belongings. In one of his bags, Octavia found the box and the minute she realized what it was, she handed it over to Clarke, who was too busy staring at photos of him and his team that they found inbetween some documents. She took it in her hands and when she opened the first envelope and read a few lines she realized what it was.

Back when they had fought and separated after he had come home for Octavia, they had stopped talking for over two months. Well…she had stopped talking to him as it turns out, because he didn’t. He wrote her a letter for each and every one of those days. He talked to her, he apologized, he explained how hard it is for him, but he never send them, because he knew how much it would hurt her. 

So all those letters were there, proving he never stopped loving her even though they were at odds, even though, they technically haven’t even confessed their feelings to one another yet.

And then, at the bottom of that box, there were ten more letters, bound by an old shoelace that each carried a different message. 

First one said- _For the day I die_ , second one- _For the day you marry your future husband/wife_ , which she doubted she would ever get to read. There was one entitled _For a bad day_ and another saying _For a good day_ , one of her favorites has always been _For when you officially become a doctor_ as well as _For when you have children of your own_ , which broke her hear because she read it the day she brought Noah home and she couldn’t help but blame herself for not calling him or telling him sooner about being pregnant. The last one was _For when you’re old, gray and resting in a swing chair on the back porch of your house_ which she hadn’t opened yet because she was still in her mid twenties, after all.

He had done all this for her and it broke her heart thinking how he managed to find the strength to write all that in the middle of a goddamn war, separated from his friends, away from the only girl he ever truly loved. 

She falls asleep like this on the couch, rereading some of the letters she had opened and early in the morning she finds that Murphy had covered her with a blanket and taken the box away from her hands. She is a bit sore from sleeping there but she gets herself up and running pretty fast, finding Murphy preparing breakfast when she gets to the kitchen, Noah in his hands.

“Mama!” he exclaims when he sees her and she takes him from Murphy, thanking him for getting him out of his crib and bringing him down here. He was an early riser but he got really tired around noon and usually fell asleep in her arms.

“Good morning, baby boy” she greets him with a kiss.

“Petty!” he exclaims when he pulls at her braid a bit, fascinated by it and she chuckles.

“Yes, I agree” Murphy chimes in ”Your momma is petty.”

“Dad, I think he means pretty”JJ enters the kitchen, rubbing his eyes tiredly as he hops on his chair. He was the absolutely opposite of Noah who was so energetic in the morning and his ruffled messy hair only made Clarke’s smile bigger.

After breakfast, she gets the boys all settled in the backseat of Bellamy’s old truck(”I don’t know how this thing still works”, Monty had complained the last time he was trying to fix it) and heads to the cemetery. 

JJ and Noah are playing in the backseat but when they get there and she takes them out, unusual silence falls upon them. She picks Noah up in her hands because she doesn’t want him to get lost here and grabs JJ’s hand as she makes her way through the gravestones, all of them so similar yet telling the story of different men and women who died in service of their country.

When they get there she lets Noah back on his feet. He wanders back to JJ while Clarke places her hand on the white stone and smiles.

“Happy birthday, Bell!” she whispers quietly. She takes a few minutes like this, hearing JJ explain something to Noah and when she is ready to turn around she finds them sitting on the grass behind her. 

Noah’s trying to climb on JJ’s back, his hands are in an almost deadly grip around his neck but JJ is smiling. She sits down next to them and they stay like this for a while. Noah can rarely sit put, he always wants to do something (just like his father) and he walks to the gravestone then back at them, then he picks some of the grass or finds a flower to bring for them.

“Aunt Clarke” JJ turns to her while they watch Noah’s legs give in and him falling on his but with a small chuckle while he keeps trying to pick some of the grass before him ”I remember uncle Bell.”

“You do?” she asks surprised. She always wondered how much JJ could really recall, he was four years old when he last saw Bellamy, but she never picked the subject because she didn’t want him to feel sad.

“Yes” JJ nods and smiles, happy that he has her attention, that her sadness fades for just a brief moment ”I remember him holding me and telling me stories, mythological things, back in our old flat” he did that, she knows he did it ”He also gave me cookies when dad wasn’t watching. “

“He loved you very much” she tells him when she puts her arm over his small arms and pulls him to her side while her other hand wraps around the dog tags hanging from her neck, hidden under her blouse.

“I think one day, I might be a soldier like him” the sentence makes her hand freeze on his shoulder and her heart skips a beat. 

Her biggest fear was that one day Noah was going to come home and tell her he had enlisted and is leaving, but this, now, coming from JJ at such a young age knocked the breath out of her.

“I’m not sure he would’ve wanted that for you” is all that she manages to say and JJ looks up curiously ”Your uncle enlisted because many things were wrong in his life-he loved being a soldier and he loved his country, but he was also pressured by the circumstances.” she takes his hands in hers and pulls him up to his feet.

”Listen, John” she moves her hands on his shoulders and looks him in the eyes. He listens carefully, knowing that when she’s using his first name, she wants to tell him something important.

”You’re the smartest kid I know and you’re going to do amazing things in your life. If when you grow up you want to be an engineer, doctor, writer or a soldier” she tightens her grip a bit ”I’ll always be there by your side, no matter what you decide, but I want you to remember this-war, that’s not a game, it’s not like when you and Noah play hide and seek in the backyard” he furrows his eyebrows and tries to make sense of what she’s explaining.

”It’s one of the scariest things a person can go through in their lives-seeing someone die and not being able to help them or having to take a life yourself, that’s not a joke and it isn’t called bravery or courage or any of those fancy words I know you are aware of. It’s not what made your uncle the man he was.” she sees how her words sink in his small head and relaxes a bit.

”What did was the love he had for his family” she explains ”his kindness” she smiles at the memory of Bellamy ”his willingness to do anything to keep his closest people safe.” she places her hand over JJ’s chest ”It was his heart, do you understand?” JJ nods and she pulls him in for a hug. Noah, who sees them rushes by their side and joins them too. 

Clarke smiles and when she pulls back, JJ brushes the tears on her face with his small hands.

“You’re pretty when you smile, aunt Clarke” he says and she remembers that’s what Bellamy used to say too. 

She hugs them both again and then they sit back down on the grass next to her, doing their own thing, talking and picking up the stones they find, while she stares at the sky for a moment, thinking how despite everything that has happened to her, despite getting her heart broken, losing the man she loved and barely surviving the birth of their son, she is still somehow okay.

 _We’ll be alright, princess_ his voice echoes in her head and she closes her eyes for a minute, imagining his lopsided smile, his freckly face, his warm eyes.

When she looks up again and her eyes fall on Noah, she smiles and she knows he was right.

They were alright.


End file.
